Jacinda Barrett vs. Elisabeth Hasselbeck
Battle of the Ex-Reality-TV Showbiz Graduates

When your time on a reality show ends, you could be forgiven for thinking that the world of fame has opened up to you. In a way, it has, in the sense that people on the street know who you are and have positive or negative associations with your brand. But once you try to parlay the fame you achieved by drinking cattle blood or having a piece of plaster fall on your head into something more, you probably won't get very far. You'll land an agent, a manager, and a publicist in short order, but none of them will be very effective, because they probably only represent other ex-reality-show stars. They'll be able to get you speaking engagements, gigs opening malls in your hometown, a photo spread in Maxim (if you're young, attractive, female, and just a little slutty). If your goal is to cross over and be a legitimate showbiz star, though, you should aim a bit lower: the best your team can get you is a spot on another reality show. (Jerri, Trishelle, Ryan, and Adrianne: pack your bags, y'all, you're going to The Surreal Life!) But with so many reality stars flooding into the market each year, it was inevitable that, even with all the odds stacked against them, a couple would break through; if the community of ex-reality stars had their own country (and maybe, someday, they will), the population would probably be comparable to Australia's, and hell, we let some Australians be famous, don't we?

Let's consider the careers of Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Jacinda Barrett as case studies in how to nurture the tiny little shoot of fame you get from a reality show into a...well, not a towering beanstalk of showbiz celebrity, but at least a reasonably healthy little bean plant that you might have to move from its initial styrofoam cup into, like, a plastic yogurt tub.

Hasselbeck first became known to the world on Survivor, where she was the "America's Sweetheart" of the second season, ably replacing Colleen Haskell, who originated the role. Back then, she was Elisabeth Filarski (and when you get a load of those two consonantapaloozas that make up her surnames, you can see why she opted not to hyphenate them when she got married), a cute little blonde who seemed to have a lot of fashion sense even roughing it in the wilds of Australia. She cozied up to fellow castaway Rodger Bingham, an older gentleman who served as her outback papa, even sacrificing himself to the alliance of Colby Donaldson, Keith Famie, and eventual winner Tina Wesson so that Elisabeth could stay three days longer in the game. And when Elisabeth fulfilled her contractual mandate of appearing on The Late Show with David Letterman to boringly discuss her Survivor experience, she so charmed the famously surly host that she was the only Survivor loser that year that he invited to join him in a guest seat, instead of subjecting her to the indignity of standing in the stage doorway, yelling answers to him across the set.

Perhaps this is what got her an audition when Lisa Ling left The View, opening the Junior Harpy slot for a newcomer. After weeks of auditions (fellow reality-show castoff -- The Real World's Rachel Campos -- was also one of the hopefuls), Elisabeth -- by now Elisabeth Hasselbeck, having married a pro football player -- was anointed as Ling's replacement. Which is when the trouble started. Because maybe they couldn't tell when she was trying to get the job, and therefore on her best behaviour, but Hasselbeck was both somewhat dim, and very committed to her Republican political beliefs. With the rest of the View harridans leaning left, it's hardly surprising that they...apparently hate her. She's certainly lost her America's Sweetheart crown, anyway. And now that she's pregnant with her first child, she's not going to get any less annoying any time soon. Oh, and she made the brilliant career move of speaking at the Republican convention this fall, evidently not making the connection that, if the GOP had so lowered the bar of "entertainer" that she qualified, maybe the entertainment industry isn't the friendliest environment in which to express conservative views. If she had any notion of being the next Kelly Ripa, then...well, that's sad, for her. And it's not going to happen. (Oh, and in her bio on the official View website, she's consistently referred to as "Mrs. Hasselbeck." She's willingly taken a title that you'd expect to see under a recipe for pineapple upisde-down cake in the Jaycees' fundraising cookbook. But she's twenty-seven. Good God.)

Much sunnier are the prospects of Jacinda Barrett, formerly of The Real World. Having appeared on the show's legendarily boring London season is probably a boon for Barrett, since the likelihood that casting directors will have seen her on it is slight. Also having been a model before she was on the show at least gave her a foot in the door of the entertainment world. Whatever it was, she's been having a nice little career over the past few years. Sure, the TV series she's been cast on -- D.C. and Citizen Baines -- were been canned in four episodes or less, but that's not her fault; they were ass. She's since ended up in pivotal roles in some pretty big movies -- The Human Stain in 2003, and Ladder 49 and Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason this year. In fact, we were surprised at how much we liked her in the latter (latter, not the Ladder, which we did not and will never see, Travolta), but maybe we were just taken with how tall and lovely she looked next to an epically shiny and dumpy Renée Zellweger. We do recommend, however, that she continue trying to take roles in which she plays English people; it's less of a reach than it is for us to accept that she's American, when she still hasn't lost her Australian accent.

Hey, why do all roads lead back to Australia all of a sudden? We'll be keeping an eye on them...we knew we shouldn't keep trusting them after that time Steve Irwin almost let a crocodile eat his baby.

Advantage: Not Bitsy, that is for damn sure.