Kim Basinger vs. Melanie Griffith
Battle of the Unjustly Oscar-Celebrated Bombshells

Before you get all uppity and snort, "What the heck do Kim Basinger and Melanie Griffith have in common!? I mean, one's an Oscar winner and one's married to Antonio Banderas! One's a cinematic beauty for the ages and one's ravaged by way too much surgery! One's all squeaky-talkin' and the other's all breathy-talkin'!" -- which, you must admit, would be an impressively long snort -- stop and ask yourself this: Which one of these actresses starred in A Stranger Among Us, playing a cop who goes undercover by pretending to be an Hasidic Jew?

You may well have answered correctly. (It's Griffith.) And you may well have answered quickly. (It's Griffith!) But we're guessing you paused, if only for a second. We're guessing you could imagine a universe in which Kim Basinger played that part. (With equally dismal results.) We sure paused, and we were the ones asking the question in the first place.

Both Basinger and Griffith made their respective names as young, strikingly attractive blondes in salaciously sexual, mid-'80s films. For Basinger, it was 1986's 9 1/2 Weeks (remember, we said "sexual," not "sexy") and for Griffith, it was 1984's Body Double (remember, we said "salacious," not "watchable").

Both went on to flirt with critical respectability that was not, in hindsight, entirely deserved: Basinger won an Oscar (!) for L.A. Confidential, even though all she did was stare soulfully into the middle distance, while Griffith was nominated for an Oscar (!!) for Working Girl (!!!), even though she had a mind for business, a bod for sin, and a voice for irritation.

Both are now shining fixtures in the night sky of the tabloids -- Basinger for her spats with Alec Baldwin; Griffith for her unfortunate inability to resist peeling, pruning, and plumping up various portions of her face. And both have been part of high-profile Hollywood marriages to sexy brunet men: Basinger to Baldwin; Griffith to Antonio Banderas. Baldwin! Banderas! Baldwin! Banderas! Why, these women are practically living parallel lives.

And both once purchased an entire town, then went bankrupt. Oh wait, that was just...which one? Quickly now! Don't wait for the translation!

Answer: Kim Basinger. The non-Hasidic-Jew impersonating one.

It's true that, of late, these women's paths have diverged. Basinger can currently be seen in the moody and satisfying The Door in the Floor, in which she stares soulfully into the middle distance. Her next film, Cellular, may not be so well received, if only because soulful staring doesn't translate over the phone.

Griffith, for her part, starred recently in, er, Stuart Little 2. If we were her, we'd wonder: How come Kim Basinger gets to mix in the odd respectable film among her flops, while I can only do flops? And little-seen flops at that?

If we were her representatives, we'd answer by suggesting she work on her stare.

Advantage: You brought her, you Basinger