Billy Crystal's 700 Sundays vs. Whoopi Goldberg's Whoopi
Battle of the Broadway Vanity One-Person Shows

700 Sundays

The Star: Billy Crystal
The Premise: Billy Crystal lovingly recalls a childhood growing up in New York, the major events of which apparently all happened on Sundays, which is a statistical improbability.
The Pitch: If you liked Tuesdays With Morrie, you'll love Sundays With Billy!
Not To Be Confused With: The 700 Club, Pat Robertson's smash one-man show.
You'll Absolutely Love It If: (a) You own Mr. Saturday Night on DVD; (b) You can't get enough of the gag where someone puts there palms on their cheeks and pretends to be Macaulay Culkin from Home Alone; (c) you're always violently disappointed when Steve Martin is named the host of the Oscars.
Suggested Alternate Title: Crystal Clear
Alternate Alternate Title: Mr. Half-Price Saturday Matinees

Whoopi

The Star: Whoopi Goldberg
The Premise: Whoopi revives all those memorable characters that endeared her to you way back before she started making movies that sucked.
The Pitch: She so sassy!
Not To Be Confused With: That very similar one-woman show she did way back when before she started making movies that sucked. Also, Monkeybone.
Three Reasons You'll Absolutely Love It: (a) You used to let loose a cheer of delight every time it became obvious that the next strategically expedient move required the selection of the center square; (b) You've ended friendships over arguments about which is funnier: Sister Act or Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit; (c) You're always violently disappointed when Steve Martin is named the host of the Oscars.
Suggested Alternate Title: Whoopi! I Did It Again
Alternate Alternate Title: Haulin' Sass

Advantage: Crystal. Faltering sales for Whoopi's show suggest that the appeal of Whoopi's degraded brand has waned tragically, even among celebrity-trolling TKTS customers.