Macaulay Culkin vs. Kieran Culkin vs. Rory Culkin
Battle of the Genetically Similar and Increasingly Redundant Moppets

Viewed one way, the Culkins are the perfect show-business family. The parents cleverly bred seven children at regular intervals, and now the investment is paying off. These near-identical kids are perfectly suited to play one another's relatives or, better yet, the same character in the same movie at various ages.

In Home Alone, Kieran played Macaulay's cousin. In The Good Son, Quinn Culkin played Macaulay's sister. In Richie Rich, Rory played the younger version of Macaulay. In Igby Goes Down, Rory played the younger version of Kieran. In It Runs in the Family, Christian plays the younger version of Rory. And so on.

Do you see the brilliance? The Culkin children generate roles for their siblings! The Culkins aren't a family, they're a perpetual child-star generator.

And yet, viewed another way...CULKINS! Is there no end to them? They're like Tribbles! Always underfoot! Look, there's one in the grain compartment!

For our purposes, we'll focus on the three most visible Culkins: Rory, Kieran, and Macaulay. (We'll leave Christian, Quinn, Shane, Dakota, Marlon, Tito, Harpo, and Doc for another day.)

Of this trio, one might say, Why not? Why shouldn't each member of this talented family be able to spread his wings and soar on the winds of Hollywood? After all, the movies are rife with sort-of successful broods: the Bridgeses, the Baldwins, the Phoenixi, etc.

We're all for expansive celebrity families. But most of these families are considerate enough to follow a few simple rules. For starters, they're usually famous one at a time. Secondly, everyone finds his or her own niche. They observe a strict hierarchy of The Really Famous One and The Other One(s). There's Jeff, and then there's Beau. There was River, and now there is Joaquin, along with Summer, Rain, and new Winter Mist. There's Alec, and then there's the Pipwins.

Not so the Clan Culkin. Macaulay was clearly the front-running Culkin at one point, but then he graciously stepped out of the spotlight for awhile to give his brothers time to catch up. Now both Kieran and, later, Rory have enjoyed their moment of being declared "the real-deal Culkin" by the press. So whose future is rosiest now? In fact, which one is which?

Secondly, Macaulay refuses to age. Instead, he's stuck somewhere around fourteen. Kieran looks about fourteen as well -- maybe fifteen. Rory looks about seven, but you sense that fourteen is just around the corner. And what happens then? Here's what happens: we have ourselves a fine logjam of vaguely adolescent Culkins.

And now, in a strange twist that's sure to further confuse everyone, young Rory will be appearing in It Runs In The Family, in which he'll play Eli Gromberg, a relative of the characters played by the Douglases: Kirk, Michael, and Cameron. So one Hollywood dynasty is pitching in with another Hollywood dynasty to play a big sprawling dynasty.

This will no doubt give Rory bad ideas. How far can we be from a movie that casts all the brothers Culkin as a clan of wild, rambunctious siblings? Not as far off as we need to be.

How then to stem the tide of Culkins? Since everyone has a favourite (collect them all!), the only reasonable solution would be to morph all the Culkins into one person. Considering they've actually played the same character in the same movie on more than one occasion, this shouldn't be too difficult. We're not advocating some radical biological procedure (although radical biologists are welcome to contact us with suggestions). Rather, we think all the Culkins should simply act under one pseudonym; say, "Ringo Culkin," or "Culkin X."

As an added bonus, it will be much easier for the brothers to market themselves; rather than seven different offshoots of one brand, they can all concentrate on building one strong and unified image, complete with the ready-made motto: Less Sulkin', More Culkin.

Advantage: Culkin X.