Shannon Elizabeth vs. Jessica Alba
Battle of the Bodacious Bimbettes

The Bimbette occupies an exceedingly exalted place in the Hollywood pantheon. Basically, she embodies, in one tight, compact package, the things Hollywood values most -- youth, beauty, the promise (if not the actuality) of moral malleability, the whiff (if not the verified presence) of promiscuity, and a negligible intellect. This is not to say that not all of those lovely young ladies Hollywood identifies as bimbettes are immoral, imbecilic harlots in their day-to-day lives; it means merely that they are able to convincingly pretend to be immoral, imbecilic harlots for the sake of their professional advancement.

The Bimbette is different from the Bimbo in many respects, most of which proceed from the fact of her youth. The Bimbo is sexy and sexual and maybe a little dumb, but she's also lived, you know. She's seen things. She's been disappointed. She's been rode hard and put away wet. She'll do, but she's no lissome Bimbette, all smooth, welcoming thighs and guileless grin.

The Bimbette is also different from the Lolita, or nymphet, a type exemplified by Tara Reid or Mena Suvari. The Lolita's appeal lies in her apparent innocence, and the possibility that she will be seduced or coerced or tricked into sex. With the Bimbette, on the other hand, there is no question. She's young, yes, and naïve about the ways of the world, but make no mistake: she's up for it. She's a goer.

Now that Denise Richards's star has commenced its inevitable fall, our pre-eminent bimbettes at the moment are Jessica Alba (of Dark Angel, and several forgettable teen flicks), and Shannon Elizabeth (of American Pie 2, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and the upcoming 13 Ghosts). Admittedly, Dark Angel has turned Alba from the haughty campus queen she embodied in Idle Hands and Never Been Kissed into a broody, pouty, and...well..."dark" action heroine. This leaves Elizabeth to trot through the sunny roles like a show pony with a hanger in its mouth (to mix metaphors), lending her pulchritude to Tomcats, Scary Movie, and the American Pie franchise -- that is, until the aforementioned Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

What happened in Jay to tip the balance of Bimbette power? We're glad you asked. In Jay, Elizabeth squeezed herself into a skin-tight black leather get-up. Yes, exactly the kind of outfit for which Alba's Max is pictured in every promo pic for Dark Angel. At that moment, Elizabeth officially became Jessica Alba and, hence, redundant.

We just plain don't need two pouty brunette action bimbettes when one can fulfill the work of both.

Advantage: Alba.