John Hurt vs. Ian McKellen
Battle of the Aging 'Confirmed Bachelors'

First off, let's get this out of the way: we know John Hurt is not gay. We know he's been married three times and has children and such. We're not using this space to out him, or even to cast doubt on his well-documented heterosexuality. However, Hurt does rather strike us as the kind of gent who -- unlike some diminutive, snaggle-toothed, recently divorced objects of Rosie O'Donnell's affection who shall remain nameless -- wouldn't really give a toss if someone thought he was gay. Like a lot of British actors who came of age in the '70s, he now gives off that mellow, manicured, urbane vibe that is somehow pansexual and asexual all at once; like, you can barely imagine him even having genitals now, but at the same time it's not much of a stretch to think of him having this profligate, genteelly slutty youth -- Velvet Goldmine by way of Maurice.

On the other hand, maybe John Hurt only strikes us as a "confirmed bachelor" type because Sir Ian McKellen is openly gay. You see, McKellen and Hurt are exactly the same in just about every other respect, so it's only natural that we might make the mistake of conflating their respective sexual orientations.

This particular matchup has been percolating for some time; in fact, it predates the advent of this site by over a year. Around the time McKellen started getting buzz for Gods and Monsters -- in which he plays a sophisticated, gay, British director infatuated with a much younger, coarse, shelf-haired, straight, American gardener (played by Brendan Fraser) -- we felt certain we had seen it before. In fact, what we had seen was a movie in which John Hurt plays a sophisticated, ostensibly straight, British writer infatuated (to the point of obsession) with a much younger, coarse, shelf-haired, straight, American B-movie star (played by Jason Priestley); it was called Love and Death on Long Island, and while it was scarcely the artistic achievement the multi-Oscar-nominated Gods and Monsters turned out to be, the similarities were striking.

Unfortunately (for Hurt, that is), the contrast between Monsters and Long Island is emblematic of the contrast between the actors' careers: as McKellen's career has exhibited an upward trajectory over the past ten years or so -- to say nothing of the knighthood -- Hurt has evolved into McKellen's low-budget equivalent. (Yes, we realize John Hurt has two Oscar nominations under his belt -- for Midnight Express and The Elephant Man -- but those were twenty years ago or more. Live in the now!) McKellen gets to do artsy critical darlings like And the Band Played On and Cold Comfort Farm and Richard III; Hurt finds himself in also-ran misfires like Dead Man and Captain Corelli's Mandolin. When McKellen dabbles in mainstream blockbusters, they're movies like Apt Pupil (which, even though it heartily sucked, still generated Oscar buzz for McKellen's performance) and X-Men; John Hurt has to content himself for straight-to-video-calibre crapola like Lost Souls.

Suddenly, though, Hurt and McKellen are on virtually equal footing -- more so than they have been since they co-starred in Scandal, forming the backdrop for glamorous ladies Joanne Whalley and Bridget Fonda. Suddenly, it seems that both Hurt and McKellen have landed themselves in seemingly bulletproof film franchises -- Hurt as Mr. Ollivander in Harry Potter, and McKellen as Gandalf in Lord of the Rings. Both are pretty much forming the backdrop again -- this time, for diminutive stars Daniel Radcliffe and Elijah Wood (respectively). Both are all British and old and magic. Both are...basically the same, really, when you think about it. Even if one of them is officially straight.

Advantage: McKellen.