Christopher Meloni vs. Elias Koteas
Battle of the Swarthy, Slightly Balding Studmuffins

Two Actors, One Slot, One Salad Bar: A Play

Scene: A trendy Los Angeles restaurant. Elias Koteas sits alone, reading his menu. A Stranger approaches.

Stranger: Excuse me, but aren't you the guy from that new Law & Order show?

Koteas: No, I'm afraid not.

Stranger: Sure you are.

Koteas: It's a common mistake.

Stranger: Wait! I know -- you're the guy from Oz.

Koteas: No, you're thinking of Christopher Meloni. We look quite similar. I'm Elias Koteas.

Stranger: Who?

Koteas: I'm a fine Canadian actor who's appeared in Crash and Exotica and The Thin Red Line and as the skinhead tough guy in Some Kind of Wonderful.

Stranger: Interesting. Tell me, Mr. Koteas, do you have a vision of an ideal world, and if so, what would it look like?

Koteas: Well, in an ideal world, I'd be a little further along, a little more widely recognized. Of course, in an ideal world I wouldn't have busted my ass in Hollywood for fifteen years only to have some doppelganger show up like some neglected evil twin lumbering down from the attic and downgrade me to being the second most famous guy who looks exactly like I do. Plus, no hunger.

Stranger: Wait -- I know where I saw you: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Koteas: No, that was Chris Meloni.

Stranger: No, that was you.

Koteas: All right. Hey, even fine Canadian actors have got to eat. Speaking of which, would you please excuse me? I'm going to visit the salad bar.

Stranger: Sure. [walking away] Say hi to Raphael! [snickers]

Elias Koteas rises and approaches the salad bar.

Koteas: Hey, Chris, you'll never guess what just happened -- again.

Elias Koteas realizes that he is talking to his reflection in the salad bar mirror.

Koteas: Oh.

Curtain.

Advantage: Christopher Meloni.