Dennis Miller vs. Denis Leary
Battle of the Sardonic Den(n)isi

For a time, these two comedians co-existed quite nicely: Leary was the openly hostile one, loosing verbal pepper spray in short, staccato bursts, while Miller was more nuanced, more savvy, rising to fame on waves of pop-culture-laden, I-dare-you-to-keep-up-with-me patois. Miller was tucked nicely onto his own show on HBO, while Leary was making a fine living in niche character roles in the movies, and all was right with the world.

And let me assure you that I am the last person to make boring, rote accusations of "selling out," and that I understand that even people with their own shows on HBO have to pay for private schools and a new sundeck and all that other stuff that makes America great, and that stand-up comedians -- who must clamber out of perhaps the most depressing and Darwinian pool of wannabes in all of showbiz -- have every right to big houses and lots of material possessions once they finally make it. Especially actually funny comedians like the two Den(n)ises, as opposed to say, Sinbad and Tim Allen. So please, Dennis Miller, feel free to do Bordello of Blood with Erika Eleniak. And yes, Denis Leary, we begrudge you not Two If By Sea. By all means, assume your rightful place at the teat of Hollywood, because you are funny, and you have earned it.

But what is much harder to countenance is when two actually funny comedians both sell out in exactly the same manner, which is not by wholeheartedly embracing their new existence as neo-Ed McMahons, pitching gullible folk on shit they clearly don't need, but rather by looking the nation squarely in the eye and muttering under their breath, "I know that you know that it's downright embarrassing that the funniest anchor Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update ever had is now shilling 10-10-3-whatever discount long-distance. But you know that I know that you know, so we're all in on the joke, and that makes it okay." Or "Hi, I'm Denis Leary, who made his name with vitriolic diatribes against American excess. Now I'm lending that name to Quaker State, the motor oil of champions. And I'm not even doing it in an earnest, 'I'm Joe DiMaggio for Mr. Coffee' kind of way, but in a winking, ironic, 'Isn't it funny that I, Denis Leary, am doing a commercial for Quaker State?' kind of way."

No, it's not really okay, and it's not that funny. Please, Den(n)isi, feel free to cash in anyway you like. But don't try to implicate us in the process. With both of you now doing those same smarmy, self-conscious ads, there's so much winking at the audience that it's likely to trigger seizures. You know, it is possible to trade your hard-earned, at-one-time well deserved fame for filthy, filthy lucre without being all icky and ironic about it -- just look at the Wayans brothers.

Advantage: The Wayans Brothers.