Penelope Ann Miller vs. Mary-Louise Parker
Battle of the Tri-Named, Forgettable Wallflowers

Generally speaking, the addition of a gratuitous middle name or initial to an actor's handle is intended to help one stand out, be more distinctive, more readily identifiable. Take, for example, Michael J. Fox, who famously added the superfluous 'J' because there was already a Michael Fox in the Screen Actor's Guild. Or Paul Thomas Anderson, now P.T. Anderson, who clearly felt that there was distinguishing power, even dignity, in the nominal trifecta.

But sometimes having three names actually makes you more anonymous, or at least more easily confused with your fellow tri-named thespians. There are likely moviegoers across America today who couldn't tell you the difference between Philip Seymour Hoffman and Philip Baker Hall, if they even know that they are two different people to begin with. Likewise, David Hyde Pierce, David Ogden Stiers, John Rhys-Davies, Jonathan Taylor Thomas and John Wilkes Booth. I mean, could the average American tell you which one is on Frasier, which one was on M*A*S*H, which one shot Lincoln, and which one was in King Solomon's Mines and Wing Commander III: Heart of a Tiger?

Of course not. That is why we scoff at and shun the average American. But we do not scoff at, nor shun, the person who can't tell the difference between Penelope Ann Miller and Mary-Louise Parker. Because we are that person.

Which one was in The Client, and which one was in The Shadow? Which one was in Biloxi Blues, and which one was in Bullets Over Broadway? Which one was in Mr. Wonderful, and which one was in The Gun in Betty Lou's Handbag? And does it even matter?

The answers, of course, are "don't know," "don't know," "don't know," and "no." Clearly, there's no need for both of these serviceable but -- let's face it -- forgettable actresses. In fact, having the two of them together in Hollywood is a disaster waiting to happen; the appearance of Mary-Louise Parker with fellow tri-namer Mary Stuart Masterson in Fried Green Tomatoes was an occurrence of such monumental redundancy that Masterson was apparently blasted from the time-space continuum, never to be heard from again. As proof we offer her most high-profile role in recent years, an uncredited turn as 'Hope' in The Postman, a movie which is to careers as Purgatory is to states of the afterlife.

Being forced to choose between Penelope Ann Miller and Mary-Louise Parker is like choosing between vanilla and vanilla. In fact, we'll go with Mary Stuart Masterson, who was darned cute as Watts, the drummer girl in Some Kind of Wonderful.

Advantage: Mary Stuart Masterson.