Connie Nielsen vs. Olivia Williams
Battle of the Euro-Accented Objects of Obsession

Question Posed At A Recent Social Gathering: What ever happened to Olivia Williams, that woman from Rushmore?

Short Answer: Connie Nielsen.

Long Answer: Back in 1999, Olivia Williams was on a hot streak. She'd starred as Miss Cross, the comely English schoolteacher who steals Max's heart in Rushmore. Then she starred as Anna Crowe, the comely English wife who pines mutely for Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. An indie hit followed by a mainstream hit -- now that's momentum!

Hollywood, of course, is always trolling for appropriately respectable objects of obsession ­ chaste fiancées, schoolboy crushes, sweet magnets for pure infatuation ­ and Williams, with her English bearing, easy smile, and delicate features, seemed a perfect fit.

Then, however, came Gladiator, in 2000, starring Connie Nielsen as the comely, vaguely English, entirely respectable object of Russell Crowe's desires. Nielsen, of course, isn't really English -- she was born in Denmark. But she seems English. Or rather, she seems "Euro," in that Hollywood way in which everyone from Europe (and Australia and New Zealand and sometimes Canada) is encouraged to speak with a slightly English lilt if it's a period film, or a flat Midwestern accent if it's a film set in New York.

Now Nielsen is showing up in all the roles Olivia Williams might once have filled. Nielsen played Nina Yorkin, the object of Robin Williams's obsession in One Hour Photo. Next up, you can see her in The Hunted, a kind of First Blood redux -- Benicio Del Toro in Second Blood! -- in which she plays Del Toro's fiancée. That's Connie Nielsen: desirable, but not too desirable. Sexy, but not too sexy. Olivia Williams-ish, but not too Olivia Williams-ish.

Which seems like bad news for Olivia Williams.

Though Williams has been keeping busy, with roles in films such as The Man from Elysian Fields -- in other words, films you've only vaguely heard of, but which could actually be quite good. In 2003, she'll appear in Peter Pan, which makes a kind of cosmic good sense.

And perhaps it's all for the best, given that this field is getting rather crowded. In fact, it's developed into a blood-sport kumite of Euro-accented art-house love objects.

Nielsen. you may recall, already walloped Diane Lane in the epic Battle of the Stone-Faced Beauties back in May, 2000. And should Olivia Williams best Nielsen, she'd then have to deal with Molly Parker, her Canadian doppelganger, now appearing in Max. Nielsen, for her part, has held her ground thus far, though she must stay up nights worrying about a career resurgence from her own clone, Greta Scacchi.

And who's that over in the corner, loosening up and pounding the heavy bag? Kate Beckinsale?

Then, of course, there's Toni Collette, the most powerful, multi-accented pseudo-Euro love object of them all, who waits at the end to battle the last survivor like some eight-armed boss at the final stage of a videogame.

The average moviegoer, of course, probably can't tell any oen of these actresses from the others. They probably assume that there's one really, really successful actress, of indeterminate European origin, named Olivia Nielsen Parker -- or is it Toni Kate-Molly? Or Connie Kate Gretascale? -- who's been in about forty movies over the past five years.

Oh, foolish average moviegoer!

Advantage: Round one to Nielsen.