Jack Palance vs. James Coburn
Battle of the Cantankerous Codgers

Let us take a moment to discuss the Best Supporting Actor/Actress Oscar™. Who wins it? Actors who've given the defining performance of their careers, like William H. Macy in Fargo? No, actors who've substituted bombast, spittle, and a tiresome catchphrase for nuanced characterization, like Cuba Gooding, Jr. in Jerry Maguire. Does the award go to an Emma Thompson for In the Name of the Father, or to Candy Clark for sashaying around American Graffiti? No, it is bestowed upon freakish child prodigies like Anna Paquin (in The Piano) or Tatum O'Neal (in Paper Moon). The "Supporting" category is the Oscars'™ "Miscellaneous" category, in which the award is, more often than not, given to whichever nominee is not like the others. In two memorable recent years, the award went to a crotchety old man for playing a crotchety old man; in 1992, it was Jack Palance for his turn as Curly in City Slickers, and in 1999, James Coburn won playing Glen Whitehouse in Affliction.

The win occasioned a minor renaissance in Palance's career. There aren't so many roles for men in the 70+ age range, so the sight of him doing his infamous one-handed push-ups on the stage of the Dorothy Chandler pavilion served primarily to remind many casting agents that Palance was alive, and available to work; for a time, he was the go-to guy for any role that called for an alternately cranky and lovable pensioner. In everything from Cops and Robbersons to The Swan Princess, Palance worked his special magic, mostly doing an exceptional job in reminding audiences of that great-uncle they avoided at family reunions.

But look out, Palance -- there's a new old man in town. Starting with his unforgettable performance in Winning at Slots & Video Poker, James Coburn has been bogarting Palance-type roles from Hallmark Hall of Fame presentations to Payback. Granted, Coburn didn't do anything so vulgar as engaging in a feat of geriatric strength in the middle of an ostensibly solemn ceremony -- and then imply that it was a visual metaphor of sexual intercourse. Instead, he went Palance one better by showing up with his wife, less than half his age, on his arm.

Which aged actor has the least class, though, isn't really the issue. The question is, which gruff grandpa is best equipped to pick up Jason Robards's sloppy seconds? Sure, Jack Palance has that steely voice, but James Coburn really seems like he could kill you. Plus he knows all the behind-the-scenes tips the casinos don't want you to know.

Advantage: James Coburn.