Anna Paquin vs. Claire Danes
Battle of the Willowy Former Child Stars Who Did That Thing Once

Hey, look, it's that woman in the trailer for Darkness, the new horror movie opening this weekend. You know, the one you only see for a second. The one who's obviously not being sold as the star of the film, but who serves as the not-that-expensive lead with name recognition that's perfect for a horror film. You know: Sarah Michelle Gellar/Jennifer Love Hewitt country.

That face -- where do you know her from? She's that girl, who starred in that thing once, what was it called? You know, the thing she was really good in? And now she's in movies every once in awhile -- what's her name again? Oh, yeah: Claire Danes.

Claire Danes looks totally awesome in this new movie, Darkness. It's going to be totally wicked, we can just -- what? Who? Anna Packwho? Yeah, you know -- didn't she win an Oscar once? Yeah, the one from X-Men. You know. Oh. Okay.

Anna Paquin looks totally awesome in this new movie, Darkness. We don't know why we get her confused with Claire Danes. Sure, they're both young-ish stars, best known for work they did as middle-teens. And neither has quite broken out to superstar-adult-stardom, but they both work often enough. In movies. You know, like that one with the things. With the people. Like that one about the Thai prison that Claire Danes was in. Or maybe Anna Paquin.

But Paquin was in X-Men! Of course! That should be enough to clarify it, right! Certainly! Big blockbuster movie. Made big stars of...well, Hugh Jackman. In fact, we couldn't come close to naming the guy who played Cyclops. You know, the guy with the thing. With the eyes. James something.

That's the problem. Danes and Paquin are both afflicted by the "you know" disease. You know the one. Everything they've done is only half-remembered and vaguely recalled. Like Danes in that recent movie. You know, with Billy Crudup. The guy who dumped that woman, what's her name. And the movie was about transvestites and Shakespeare, or something.

But you know who's laughing now? Kirsten Dunst. Little Kirsten Dunst, from Interview with the Vampire, who seemed destined for pseudo-fringe stardom and yet now is a big star in Spider-Man and never gets confused with nobody, no how.

You know who isn't laughing? Dominique Swain.

Advantage: Paquin. You know, the one from X-Men. With James Marsden. That's his name.