CCH Pounder vs. Marianne Jean-Baptiste
Battle of the Steely and Unflappable Lady Cops

Two Actors, One Slot, One Salad Bar, Part II: A Play

Marianne Jean-Baptiste, co-star of the CBS Thursday night hit Without A Trace, stands at the salad bar at a Ponderosa restaurant in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. As she examines the choices, she is approached by a Stranger.

Stranger: Hey, don't I know you? Yeah! You play that woman from that gritty cop show from TV!

Jean-Baptiste: Yes, that's me.

Stranger: I love that show!

Jean-Baptiste: Thank you.

Stranger: The grittiness of it. Remarkable.

Jean-Baptiste: I'm glad you enjoy it.

Stranger: Yeah, it's great. What are those?

Jean-Baptiste: Baby corns.

Stranger: Hmmm. So tell me -- what's that Michael Chiclets like in real life?

Jean-Baptiste: You mean Michael Chiklis?

Stranger: Yeah, that guy.

Jean-Baptiste: I'm sorry -- I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone else. You're thinking of CCH Pounder, co-star of The Shield on FX.

Stranger: But don't you play a tough, unflappable cop with an emotionally unstable partner?

Jean-Baptiste: That's right.

Stranger: And don't you solve crimes with steely resolve and deadpan flair?

Jean-Baptiste: That's right.

Stranger: And don't you wear your hair pulled back all the time and a lot of dark pant suits?

Jean-Baptiste: That's right.

Stranger: Yeah, you're the one I'm thinking of. From The Shield.

Jean-Baptiste: No, I'm on Without A Trace.

Stranger: Really?

Jean-Baptiste: Yes.

Stranger: You sure?

Jean-Baptiste: Yes.

Stranger: I never watch Without A Trace.

Jean-Baptiste: That's all right.

Stranger: I'm an ER fan.

Jean-Baptiste: It's a fine show.

Stranger: It's dipped a bit lately. [Pause] Do you know if these bacon bits actually have bacon in them?

Jean-Baptiste: I don't think so.

Stranger: I can't eat pork.

[Marianne Jean-Baptiste smiles and spoons a dollop of carrot-and-raisin salad onto her plate.]

Stranger: Wait -- now I know where I know you from. You were in Baghdad Cafe.

Jean-Baptiste: No, that's also CCH Pounder.

Stranger: Okay, so you were the one who had that mid-'90s dance hit "Finally."

Jean-Baptiste: No, that's CeCe Peniston.

Stranger: So you were that song my sister used to sing while skipping rope.

Jean-Baptiste: No, that's "See See My Playmate."

Stranger: So you're actually British and starred in Secrets & Lies.

Jean-Baptiste: No, that's -- oh, wait. That is me.

Stranger: What's this?

Jean-Baptiste: Pickled cauliflower.

Stranger: Hmmm. [returning pickled cauliflower to bin] Well, I'll tell you, Michael Chiclets could kick Anthony LaPaglia's ass any day. Chiclets doesn't care about the rules.

Jean-Baptiste: I don't know about that.

Stranger: And the FBI is for babies.

Jean-Baptiste: I'll have to disagree.

Stranger: And FX is where the real action's at.

Jean-Baptiste: [grabbing tongs and threatening Stranger] Now listen --

[The Stranger peels off her rubber Stranger mask. It's CCH Pounder, co-star of The Shield on FX.]

Pounder: Don't start anything with tongs you can't finish, Marianne.

Jean-Baptiste: CCH! You get me with that rubber Stranger mask routine every time!

Pounder: [laughs] You should have seen your face!

Jean-Baptiste: Oh, Pounder.

Pounder: I'm sorry, but that never gets old. By the way, don't eat that carrot-and-raisin salad.

Jean-Baptiste: Why?

Pounder: It's the kind with coconut in it.

Jean-Baptiste: Ew.

Fin.

Advantage: Pounder.