Michael Rapaport vs. Rick Rossovich
Battle of the Goofy Bruisers

Remember Rick Rossovich? The curly-coiffed doofus from Roxanne who was part heartthrob and part Eraserhead and who, circa 1987, seemed to have a lock on all parts in Hollywood that required a beefy, slightly goofy handsome guy? Do you ever wonder what happened to him?

Because there's really no reason that Rick Rossovich shouldn't still be front and center in our collective consciousness, or at least the part of it devoted to goofy bruisers. There's really no reason, in fact, that Rick Rossovich shouldn't have played the beefy, slightly goofy handsome guy in, say, Mighty Aphrodite, or Small Time Crooks. Except for the fact that, in the post-'90s, post-Tarantino Hollywood, it's not enough to be a beefy, slightly goofy handsome guy. You have to be a beefy, slightly goofy handsome guy who could, at any moment, explode and shoot someone in the head. And if that's what you want...well, then you do not want Rick Rossovich. Rather, you want his hair-trigger younger brother. You want Michael Rapaport.

This may sound far-fetched, but think about it: Rick Rossovich's one high-profile role in the '90s was as Dr. John "Tag" Taglieri on ER. And on ER, they're not really looking for doctors who also seem like they might, at any minute, put a cap in your ass. But everywhere else, they are. Enter Michael Rapaport. And exit Rick Rossovich, through the door marked Pacific Blue.

Then again, maybe what happened to Rick Rossovich was the 1990 action movie Navy SEALS, which, inexplicably, turned out to be a kind of Bermuda's Triangle of actors's careers. Charlie Sheen managed to get out alive, but the Coast Guard is still searching for Rossovich's co-stars, Michael Biehn and Joanne Whalley.

Advantage: Were you reading the piece, above?