Dax Shepard vs. Jimmy Fallon
Battle of the Cowlicked Cutie-Pies

It's fortunate that Dax Shepard's first name looks like an airport code, because it gives us an excuse to write the most convoluted, drawn-out airport metaphor in Fametracker history. Here goes.

Dax Shepard, you better clear the runway. We know that Without A Paddle is supposed to the movie that clears your career for take-off, but there's a jumbo jet of a comedian whose flight plan is straight up -- and he's thrusting forward at full throttle.

So DAX, keep your flaps down and don't draw up the landing gear of your, um, talent. Offload your baggage and put the fasten-your-seatbelt sign on, because your career's about to go in the upright and locked position, by which we mean, you know, not to a good place.

Non airline-metaphor translation: Dax Shepard seems likable enough. He's got that kind of man-boy, crotch-scratching, bedhead-sporting, gee-shucks you-caught-me- hauling-off- a-vaporizer kind of appeal that the kids all like.

Sure, he's nearing thirty, which may mean he'll soon be too old to play the overgrown adolescent roles. Then again, age hasn't slowed some people from nurturing their inner tween-aged brat to bravura comic effect.

Jimmy Fallon, stop pulling all the little girls's pigtails! And how'd that gum get in your hair?

These two are just way too similar. They both have a goofy, man-boy charm. And they're almost exactly the same age (Shepard just turned twenty-nine; Fallon turns thirty this year). Although Fallon is one of the few people who manages, magically, to look both boyish and ravaged by the years. Seriously, we would have guessed he was at least thirty-six -- but a boyish thirty-six!

Point to Shepard.

Dax and Jimmy were both, at one time, stars of sketch comedy shows and are now branching out to movies. But Fallon was on Saturday Night Live and Shepard was on Punk'd, which is like saying they both worked at magazines, but one was at Vanity Fair and one was at Dog Fancy.

Point to Fallon.

But wait (you might argue) the kids -- who matter most -- probably prefer MTV's Punk'd to NBC's greying Saturday-night fixture, which airs when most self-respecting 18- to 34-year-olds are busy lowering their faces into the cool, refreshing air of the toilet bowl.

Yes, but Fallon's got people pulling for him -- powerful people, like Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels, who owns Fallon's soul. And Michaels wants movie stardom for all his little minions. And if that means destroying the career of some guy named Dax, and then finding someone to toss Dax's limp corpse in a dumpster out back of the IHOP...well, let's just say, that's why Lorne keeps Joe Piscopo's number on hand.

Maybe if Dax had come along in a year or so, long after Fallon had rocketed to stardom/faded into obscurity, he would be allowed to make his way in peace. But there's too much riding right now on the flight of the Fallon. Sorry, Dax -- you're grounded.

(By which we mean, like an airplane, not like a punishment from your parents. We thought you might be confused.)

Advantage: Jimmy "Don't Call Me Jim" Fallon