Brenda Strong vs. Marcia Cross
Battle of the WASP Ice Queens

If there's any justice in the world -- in the entertainment world, anyway -- somewhere out there, a brilliant TV scribe, some heretofore unrecognized genius, is hard at work on a very special pilot script. The story revolves around a pair of bitchy, imperious sisters. A couple of statuesque soccer-mom hotties. Maybe they're even fraternal twins. Maybe they come from money but have fallen on hard times, forcing them to take jobs in some high-end department store, where their ability to look really good in a pair of pleated wool slacks and pearls can be put to good use. Maybe they're competing advice columnists in a premise loosely based on the feud between real-life sisters Abigail Van Buren and the late Ann Landers. Maybe they're the central characters in a latter-day Dynasty. Fine: the premise is immaterial; what's important is that someone create a vehicle in which Brenda Strong and Marcia Cross can finally fulfill their professional destinies by sharing the screen.

It's got to happen eventually: it's got to! Their paths have been criss-crossing for years. Way back in the day, for instance, Strong turned up on Party of Five as Kathleen Isley: a seemingly together high-powered TV journalist love interest for Charlie, who then turns out to be vindictive and, frankly, batshit crazy. Sounds a bit like Cross's role on another FOX show, Melrose Place, on which she played Kimberly Shaw: a seemingly together high-powered doctor love interest for Michael, who then turns out to be similarly vindictive and batshit crazy. Coincidence?

Later, Strong was cast on Seinfeld as Sue-Ellen Mishkie, the braless nemesis of Elaine's youth, as well as the heir to the Oh! Henry candy-bar fortune and the object of Jerry's forbidden lust. And who should turn up as Jerry's date, snooty dermatologist Sarah Sitarides, in Season Nine? Marcia Cross, of course.

And that's not all: Cross and Strong have both guested on C.S.I., Ally McBeal, Herman's Head, and Cheers, too. Whenever a script calls for a tall, well-bred, fortyish woman, either Strong or Cross can get the job done with aplomb. And they look great in tailored, upper-middle-class mom outfits.

Perhaps because Cross was so closely identified, for so long, with her memorably loca Melrose Place character, Strong got the jump on her in the credits race, racking up appearances in movies -- Starship Troopers, The Craft, the current Red Dragon -- as well as a recurring role as WASP Ice Queen Sally Sasser on Sports Night and Mrs. Carmen Mackoul on 7th Heaven. And while Cross can hardly compete, with her Dancing in September and her Female Perversions, don't count her out yet; last week, she guest-starred on The King of Queens as Doug and Carrie's new WASP Ice Queen neighbour. Perhaps she will be able to blow it up into a recurring guest role (as Lou Ferrigno did -- and people, if you didn't know that Lou Ferrigno had a recurring role, as himself, on The King of Queens, then you are quite clearly watching the wrong show Mondays at 8). There is a void in the slot where Carrie's female friend used to be, now that Merrin Dungey (Kelly) has a full-time job on Alias.

But if that doesn't pan out for Cross, there is another possibility. Brenda Strong has a recurring role on the new WB drama Everwood, playing Treat Williams's dead wife -- the character whose death, in fact, catalyzed the action of the series: created its very premise, in fact. So anyway...what if Julia Brown, the Brenda Strong character, has a sister? Who is not dead? And maybe she shows up for a visit and hooks up with her brother-in-law? Sure, it's not ideal, since Strong's character will still be dead and all, but maybe getting her and Cross together as sisters -- even sisters parted by death -- will prepare the network for my pilot, in which they play sisters feuding with one another as they...oh, let's say, compete as drivers on the NASCAR circuit. I mean...not my pilot. Some heretofore unrecognized genius TV scribe's pilot.

Advantage: Strong