Paul Walker vs. Kip Pardue
Battle of the Blond Beefcake

This commentator no longer falls within the 18-24 demographic. Just never you mind how long it's been since this commentator did fall within the 18-24 demographic; I just don't. Therefore, I sometimes feel a little pang of guilt when I find myself drooling over boys who are...well, boys. Or, men playing boys. Is it wrong of me to recommend a movie like Final Destination because some (supposedly) high-school-aged boys spend a lot of it wearing tight tank tops? Should I have stared with such interest when Ashton Kutcher and (to a much lesser extent) Seann William Scott had that topless tussle in the trailer for Dude, Where's My Car? The width of the chasm between me and some of the objects of my desire was brought home to me in an immediate and painful way when I saw Bring It On (the first time). I'd spent the entire movie marvelling at the cuteness of relative newcomer Jesse Bradford and was floored to learn that Mr. Stupidhead knew him in real life. As we left the theatre, I joked that, the next time I was in New York, Mr. Stupidhead should introduce us. With some horror, Mr. Stupidhead replied, "Uh, he's my age." (Twenty-two.) Since I was only twenty-five at the time, I screamed back, "How old do you think I am?" He added, "And you're married." True, but beside the point. I mean, beside this point. The point I am coming to. Right now.

Because I am still immature enough to be amused by films and TV shows aimed at the younger market, I am frequently presented with the celluloid images of attractive younger gentlemen. And I am not made of stone. Occasionally, I don't really get why they're supposed to be cute. But the current crop of young hotties rub me the right way. Or rather, I wish they would.

Dammit, there I go again.

Paul Walker and Kip Pardue, for instance? Both really get the job done for me. (By the way, I was relieved to learn that neither of them is actual jailbait; Walker is a year older than I am, and Pardue is only a couple of years younger.) And yet, cute as I find them both to be, I'm not sure we need them both.

Walker built his early career playing slightly all-American types of varying degrees of dimness in movies like Meet the Deedles, Pleasantville, and Varsity Blues -- always pleasant, certainly very cute, forever flashing his mouthful of huge, perfect teeth, but not quite the leading man. (In fact, he's now played second fiddle to both of the leading men of Dawson's Creek, despite being many degrees of magnitude cuter than both of them combined.) He's never really had much chance to prove he's able to act; he has proven beyond a shadow of doubt that he's very pretty.

Until very recently, Kip Pardue could have been described as the sensitive man's Paul Walker. Or, the less successful Paul Walker. Or, the sloppy-seconds-getting Paul Walker. Landing in Vanity Fair's Young Hollywood spread only a year after Walker had (and, sadly, not on the cover), Pardue is just as blond as Walker, and just as pretty. He played a conflicted gay teenager in But I'm a Cheerleader. Perhaps sensing that the market for sensitive, maybe-gay teens was limited at best, he played the original Josh -- basically, a small-screen Paul Walker type who was, in the first season, maybe-gay due to his love of musical theatre -- in the original pilot of Popular...until Pardue got cut and the part was recast. Like Paul Walker did in Varsity Blues, Pardue played a football player in Remember the Titans...but he played the free-thinking player from California who was rumoured among his teammates to be gay. (Look, we're not implying anything. We're just saying.)

And now, Walker and Pardue have actually achieved career duplication, both playing intense, rules-breaking race-car drivers in The Fast and the Furious and Driven, respectively. Sure, Pardue's movie takes place in the pro racing circuit while Walker's seems to be about illegal drag racing (or something), does it really matter? Do you think anyone distinguishes Dante's Peak and Volcano today? If they ever did? Driven and The Fast and the Furious are the same movie. Walker and Pardue are the same star. Only one of them needs to stay in Hollywood. The other can come and stay in my spare bedroom.

Advantage: Walker.