Heavy Metal. Small-town theatre. Dog shows. Christopher Guest has written and starred in faux documentaries -- or "mockumentaries" -- on all these subjects, so surely the well has run dry, right? Wrong. Herewith, Fametracker presents five projects currently under development by auteur Guest.

Confucius Say, starring Eugene Levy

Coach Marv Greenstein (Eugene Levy) has a problem. He's led the Redlands High School ping-pong team to four consecutive state championships, but now the state of New Jersey wants to cut his funding and scrap ping-pong programs across the state -- right before the Redland Raiders travel to China for an exhibition tournament against the Chinese national team. After an unsuccessful appeal to an apathetic government official (Fred Willard) and numerous arguments with wife Sharon (Caroline Aaron), Greenstein has just about given up on saving his team, but then local "businessman" Danny "The Knee" Coglione (Christopher Guest) offers to support ping-pong at Redlands High...if the Raiders can defeat the Chinese on unfamiliar turf. The Raiders -- including a rising young star with a secret (Parker Posey), a blind player with a lethal backhand (Christopher Gorham), and an exchange student with something to prove (Nicole Bilderback) -- board the plane to Shanghai, and Greenstein vacillates between worrying about the fate of his team and trying to find "the toilet-seat-cover dispenser is empty" in his Mandarin/English phrasebook. But when their translator (Lucy Liu) meets them at the baggage claim, Greenstein discovers that his problems have only just begun.

Baba Said There'd Be Days Like This, starring Parker Posey

Oksana Sotnikow (Parker Posey) is a celebrated soloist in the Red Deer, Alberta-based Ukrainian dance company Rzeczownik. But she dreams of the day her talent and drive will catapult her out of her one-horse town and into the position of principal dancer in one of the flourishing folk dance theatres of Brighton Beach, New York. With the assistance and coaching of her choreographer and fiancé Don Kostyk (Eugene Levy), Oksana dances her way through a series of Canadian dance competitions, where she continually butts heads (and feet!) with her nemesis, Brenda Majiwska (Catherine O'Hara). But Brighton Beach is only big enough for one prairie-bred hoofer with a heart of gold. Will Oksana be awarded the audition before the legendarily demanding Godfather of eastern European folk dance, Myron Horudko (Christopher Guest)? As Oksana triumphs over adversity -- blistered feet, aching knees, and a pair of boots that "mysteriously" go missing only to turn up later in the trunk of Brenda's car -- she ruefully recalls, "Baba said there'd be days like this."

Money Shot, starring Catherine O'Hara

It's a wonderful age we live in, when countless scores of non-professional actors may indulge their interest in amateur performance. In particular, the internet has become a haven for those wishing to watch -- or produce -- amateur porn. The question is, how can a successful amateur performer make the jump to the major leagues? Meet Candy Chanterelle (Catherine O'Hara), a gifted amateur whose tremendous popularity online seems to be propelling her inexorably toward her destiny as the next Nina Hartley. We meet Candy at the moment her manager, Barry Falcone (Christopher Guest), informs her that her nude downloads have just surpassed those of Danni Ashe. The documentary crew follows Candy as she navigates the thorny transition from porn hobbyist to professional fellatio stylist -- many manicure appointments, meetings with fifth-tier talent agents, and more than a passing acquaintance with the old casting couch. The film's climax comes when Candy is granted an audience with Buck Brody (Bob Balaban), the éminence grise of the porn world. Does Candy have what it takes to convince Buck (the old-fashioned way) that her talent commands a wider audience? Or is Buck merely looking for another audience to spread a little wider? And in the end, aren't the two one and the same?

Lock and Load starring Fred Willard

Retired high-school Physics teacher Jim Cantwell (Fred Willard) misses his kids. Not his own children Sally (Linda Kash) and Lorraine (Deborah Theaker), mind you, who are all grown and still take good care of him, but his students, whose happy faces and vivacious shouting kept him young as long as he was still teaching them about dopant atoms and diodes. Flipping around the channels one lonely night, Jim happens upon a well-known cable comedy channel, running a program about homemade killer robots, cheered on by young fans seduced by the metallic blood lust. The next day, Jim set about building his own droid of destruction. Assisted by neighbour Joel Masters (Michael Hitchcock), Jim goes through a series of trials and errors with his motorized murder machines, and the intrepid documentarian is on hand to capture every Cantbot -- 1.0, 2.0, 3.3, 6.1, and so on right up until Cantbot 9.2 is accepted on the popular series. Will Cantbot prevail over competition from all over the country? Will three-time champion Sanford Beck (Don Lake) trample Cantbot (back) into so much scrap metal? And what do Sally and Lorraine think about all this? You won't believe what happens when Jim finally gets to unleash Cantbot in the ring of battle!

The Corps, starring Bob Balaban

The drum and bugle corps, that is! Llewellyn Stoat (Bob Balaban) is a renegade drum major brought in from "down south" to whip the Fighting Pipers (of Dundee, Wisconsin) into shape in time for DCI, the prestigious drum corps competition. Some of the old guard (colour guard, that is) aren't too impressed by Llewellyn's methods. Acerbic flag corps captain Jenna-Lou Barfield (Parker Posey) has a few choice words for Llewellyn on the field when he calls for daily practices starting at 6 AM; off the field, she attempts to organize a mutiny among her sister flag tossers. But drum major Kent Loring (Matt Keeslar)'s canola crops have had a bad year, and that setback coupled with the dissolution of his engagement to Jenna-Lou have left him determined to make it to DCI -- and win, for once in his life. Despite the many personality conflicts that arise -- despite the many rehearsals interrupted by Llewellyn's petulant hissyfits and last-minute drill revisions -- the Fighting Pipers do get to the big show. Whether they can beat their arch-rival drum and bugle corps, Flaxton, West Virginia's Blue Nuns, depends on whether Llewellyn's taught them, along with all the drills and showmanship and style, how to have heart.