For the past several months, gossip-hounds have watched in horrified fascination as Madonna and Guy Ritchie's infamously embattled remake of Swept Away limped into theatres. Now that it's opened in limited release to almost unanimously negative reviews, some have guessed that the movie's failure foretells the death -- at last -- of Madonna's pretensions as an actor. Not hardly! In fact, Madonna and Ritchie so enjoyed collaborating on what Entertainment Weekly called their "labor of love" that they've planned a whole raft of future film remakes. One of Rocco's eight full-time nannies smuggled this memo from Madonna's home office to Fametracker HQ. Forewarned is forearmed.

Rosemary's Baby
Release date: Fall 2003

Young, inexperienced, waifish new wife Rosemary Woodhouse (Madonna) moves into an old New York apartment building with her husband Guy (Stephen Baldwin). There, they meet elderly couple Minnie and Roman Castevet (Frances Sternhagen and Martin Landau). Rosemary starts having nightmares and premonitions of death, but Guy laughs off her trepidation as the effects of silly female hormones -- particularly after Rosemary finds herself pregnant. The Castevets prove an immeasurable help when tiny, fragile Rosemary suffers a rapid loss of health upon her pregnancy and starts to suspect that everything is not as it seems. Because the Ritchies feel that contemporary audiences won't be as comfortable as those of the late '60s with frank portrayals of Satanism, in the remake, Guy and the Castevets will be reimagined as practitioners of Scientology, who have impregnated Rosemary with the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard.

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore
Release date: Summer 2004

Young mother Alice (Madonna) is forced to start a new life for herself and her son Tommy (Rory Culkin) when her husband dies. Having long dreamed of a career as a singer, she and Tommy leave California for parts east, but end up in Phoenix, where Alice meets rancher David (Matthew McConaughey) and starts a tentative relationship. Though the original has Alice taking a job at a Phoenix diner, in Ritchie's remake, Alice finds work as a salesgirl at a high-end ladies' clothing boutique, Mel's, where she quickly makes friends with co-workers Flo (Joan Cusack) and Vera (Edie Falco) and store owner Mel (Harvey Fierstein). The film concludes triumphantly when Alice is overheard singing in the back room by a Virgin Records A&R executive shopping out front.

Nine to Five
Release date: Spring 2005

When young Judy (Madonna), who has never worked outside the home, is forced to find a job upon her divorce, she ends up an entry-level office assistant at a large, anonymous multinational corporation. There, she quickly befriends de facto office manager Violet (Catherine Keener), a smart, sarcastic clerical employee who has long since given up hope of having her talents recognized by their boss, Franklin Hart Jr. (Greg Kinnear), a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot. Violet and Judy are also united in their resentment of Hart's busty secretary Doralee (Lisa Nicole Carson), with whom they believe Hart is having an affair. However, Doralee soon discovers that Hart has been spreading rumours about her, which she debunks, and the three women make friends and have a girls' night out at a local rave. Violet passes out ecstasy her son had given her a few days before (telling her it would help her to relax), and the three women share their fantasies of revenge against Hart; Judy's is an elaborate S&M sequence in which she, as a dominatrix, forces Hart to lick her boots and parades him around the office in a leash and ball gag. Later, through a wacky series of accidents, Doralee, Violet, and Judy all get to live out their fantasies in real life, oust Hart from his position, and end up running the office themselves, so that they are in the position to hire and sexually harass entry-level office assistants of both sexes. Madonna also supplies a trip-hop cover of "9 to 5" for the soundtrack.

Pretty Woman
Release date: Christmas 2005

Young Vivian (Madonna) is turning tricks on the streets of L.A. when Edward (Bruce Willis) pulls up in his Porsche Boxster. He offers Vivian $50,000 to be his "date" for the week, and since that's more money than she can conceive of, she readily accepts, temporarily leaving behind her roommate Kit (Molly Ringwald). Over the course of the week, Edward and Vivian share intimacies beyond the run-of-the-mill fellatio (though there's plenty of that, too); Edward's friends and associates are bewitched by the coltish, unspoiled Vivian and wonder where he could have possibly found her. When Edward's business partner Phil (Jim Belushi) expresses his concern that Vivian may be a corporate spy, Edward quells his fears by informing him that Vivian is a prostitute. Phil responds by heading to Edward's hotel suite and making sexual advances toward Vivian. However, Phil didn't bargain on Vivian's being a yoga-toned, Pilates-firmed kickboxer, and she beats him so severely he ends up in a coma. Vivian and Edward live happily ever after.