News organizations, internet wags, and countless devastated teenagers are still talking about Ashlee Simpson's being outed as a lip-syncher on Saturday Night Live last weekend. She has variously tried to blame the screw-up on her band, for playing the wrong song (hmm, and which instrument in your three-piece band makes a sound exactly like your own voice performing "Pieces of Me," dear?), and on her faulty GI tract, afflicted as it is with acid reflux disease (which...what?). And while this whole mess seems like one of the worst things that could happen to a young singer's career (and some piss-poor spin to cover it up), it's just the beginning. We at Fametracker have journeyed into the future and learned that Ashlee Simpson has many more public humiliations -- and half-assed excuses -- still to come:

November 2004

Gaffe: Simpson appears on The Tonight Show, where she dances too energetically and collapses from an asthma attack, knocking over the drum kit and pinning her drummer underneath his own tom-tom.
Spin Phase 1: The drummer put the kit together wrong.
Spin Phase 2: Simpson thought they were in rehearsal.

December 2004

Gaffe: Performing at a holiday event at Lincoln Center, attended by New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and various other dignitaries, Simpson takes several minutes out of her set to proclaim that Christmas reminds us all why "Jesus Christ is the one true Lord."
Spin Phase 1: Simpson didn't know Mayor Bloomberg was Jewish.
Spin Phase 2: Simpson didn't know Mayor Bloomberg was there.
Spin Phase 3: Simpson didn't know Jews don't worship Jesus.

April 2005

Gaffe: Simpson unveils a new, more feminine image makeover with an appearance on TRL, in which she wears a skirt so short that a significant portion of her panties is visible beneath its hem. Simpson cheerfully explains that "exposed panty crotches are the new exposed bra straps."
Spin Phase 1: Simpson's manager/father Joe claims Simpson was duped into wearing the experimental garment by avant-garde designer Jean-Paul Gaultier.
Spin Phase 2: Joe Simpson later complains that "permissive society" forced Simpson to dress more provocatively than Lil' Kim just to get attention.

October 2005

Gaffe: On the anniversary of the original SNL disaster, Simpson returns to the show to prove she's a good sport. The same thing happens again, and Simpson flees the stage sobbing.
Spin Phase 1: "The whole thing was planned, it was a skit! Really!"
Spin Phase 2: "Hey, the first one was, too! Forget that other stuff we said!"

January 2006

Gaffe: On a tour date in Somerville, Massachusetts, Simpson marries Karen Amberski, a thirty-six-year-old large-animal veterinarian.
Spin Phase 1: Simpson thought she was applying for a fishing license.
Spin Phase 2: Not wishing to be perceived as copying Britney Spears by having her quickie marriage annulled, Simpson says she will honour her vows and celebrate her new life with Amberski.

November 2008

Gaffe: After the U.S. Presidential election, Simpson expresses her disappointment, to Newsweek, that the American Nazi Party didn't win more of the popular vote.
Spin Phase 1: Simpson was quoted out of context, while high on crystal meth.
Spin Phase 2: Simpson doesn't agree with every plank in their platform, but appreciates their commitment to researching alternative fuels.

March 2009

Gaffe: In front of seventeen witnesses, Simpson stabs and kills her wife, Karen Amberski, with a kitchen knife.
Spin Phase 1: Simpson's mother Tina reminds reporters, "We all saw on Ashlee's reality show that she can't cook. Ashlee wouldn't know the first thing about how to work a big sharp knife like that."
Spin Phase 2: Homosexual rage.
Spin Phase 3: Exhaustion; dehydration.

- WC