Die-hard fans of Arrested Development -- the few, the proud, the so often disappointed by life's cruel realities -- were heartbroken last week to learn that FOX had cut the show's episode order from twenty-two to thirteen, and would not be airing the series at all during the critical November sweeps period. Most interpreted the move as just the first step, on the network's part, toward cancelling AD entirely after three (well...two and a half) critically beloved but poorly rated seasons. Unfortunately for the show's committed viewers, their instincts are quite correct: since America evidently doesn't care for carefully plotted stories, clever jokes, and a slavish devotion to continuity, Fox has deployed its expert executives to research what does like. Fametracker has acquired a top-secret memo detailing the series treatments Fox has commissioned to address the nation's preferences, all of which are ready to be slotted onto the schedule in the event of AD's demise:

It's Toby Keith!

Hey, America! It's Toby Keith! Are you ready for him to lay his special brand of musical truth on you -- from his love for his "Big Ol' Truck" to exactly what makes him such an "Angry American"? You aren't? Well, that's just too damn bad, because Toby Keith is here: he's in your face, and he's not going anywhere. It's Toby Keith! finds Toby at home on his ranch, crooning his ditties and sharing the spotlight with guests that run the gamut from Kenny Chesney all the way to Brad Paisley -- and everyone's invited to pick up Toby's trusty ol' paintball gun, "George Dub" (tie-in water-pistol replicas soon to be in Wal-Mart stores across the country), and take a shot or two at Toby's carboard standee of the Dixie Chicks! If you liked Blue Collar TV but felt the pace was too fast and the jokes kept going over your head -- plus that Foxworthy fella seemed a little "fruity" to you -- then It's Toby Keith! is just the show for you. And if you don't like it, you better be prepared to deal with the consequences of having a really Angry American on your hands!

Hoofing It With Veterans

There's no question that, for six glorious weeks of the summer of 2005, all the nation was transfixed by ABC's Dancing With The Stars, on which celebrities were paired with professional dancers and thrown into a sort of ballroom boot camp, learning everything from the tango to the quick step. But there's no real challenge for the Hollywood elite to learn the performing arts: what if the same contest were populated by regular folks who'd been through actual boot camp? Hoofing It With Veterans puts six recently returned combatants from the current Gulf War through their paces in a ballroom-dancing contest, to be judged by a panel of experts...and you! Each week, your phone and internet votes determine which veterans will progress to the next episode's competition. And unlike Dancing With The Stars, Hoofing It boasts some real stakes: the winner will be awarded an honourable discharge from the military, while the five runners-up will each be forced to re-up for another tour of duty in Iraq. If that's not an impetus for them to impress you with their happy feet, we don't know what is -- and hey, it can't be much harder than walking across a minefield!

NASKAR

While fans of the sport have been gratified, in recent years, with the way NASCAR has taken hold of the American popular imagination, it has had one unintended side effect: with the proliferation of new entrants to the community, not all of them are on the up-and-up. Or so goes the premise of NASKAR, which introduces us to 10W30 -- so named for the number of people on its steering committee (10); its founding director, William Wright (Larry Hagman); and its annual operating budget ($30 billion). The purpose of 10W30 is to prevent crime on the NASCAR circuit. Entrusted with this mission is Bill Karver (David James Elliott) an ex-detective of the Detroit PD. His assignment is to infiltrate NASCAR as a driver, complete with a sexy manager, Barbara Eagleston (Charisma Carpenter); a pit crew chief, Ben "Pistons" Pistorelli (David Proval); a sponsor, Snapple; and, oh yeah, a super-engineered talking vehicle by the name of Effective Rational Investigative Car, or ERIC (voice of Dan Bucatinsky). Bill and ERIC make the perfect crime-fighting team: while Bill has the street smarts to tell, in the pilot, that those mysterious new drivers in the Eveready car are up to no good, while ERIC can x-ray their chassis and see that it's been fitted with canisters of neurotoxin; they have plenty of time for Bill to bring Pistons in to disconnect the gas tanks, Barbara to distract the pit crew by bending over to pick up a dropped pen, and ERIC to run over the would-be terrorists and kill them, ensuring that NASCAR remains as safe an activity as ever for families to enjoy together -- and that there's plenty of nail-biting race footage closing out the episode!

Cross Examination

Five years after the premiere of C.S.I., TV viewers are still fascinated by the world of forensics. But no matter how many episodes of the franchise get "ripped from the headlines," the fact remains that there's one historic crime that has never been solved: the murder of Jesus Christ. But, thanks to Michael Crichton (Timeline), that may be about to change. As the pilot for Cross Examination begins, we're just a few years in the future, in the crime lab of the Chicago police department, presided over by the gorgeous and brilliant criminalist Amanda Brook (Paula Marshall) and her team: ballistics expert Romeo Sabatini (Tom Verica); audio engineer Elyse Levy (Ali Larter); and quirky DNA expert Skip Stewart (DJ Qualls). They've just wrapped up the city's most high-profile murder case when they're visited by a mysterious CIA black-ops agent who identifies himself only as "Briggs" (Sean Patrick Thomas). He informs them that they've been chosen out of all the forensics teams in the country for a special case: the CIA has perfected time travel, and it wants to send Amanda and her team back to 33 A.D. to figure out, once and for all, who or what killed Jesus (Wes Bentley): was it the Romans or the Jews? (A question that instantly puts both first-generation Italian immigrant Romeo and rabbi's daughter Elyse at loggerheads!) After receiving special training to fit into crowds and operate clandestinely, the team is sent back to Biblical times -- with all their modern equipment -- to secure the scene, gather evidence, and analyze it for the sake of posterity. But when they get there, they discover that there's more to this mystery than the Bible suggests, from Jesus's secret daughter with Mary Magdalene (Patricia Velasquez) to an outstanding dispute over carpentry work by Jesus's father Joseph (John Wesley Shipp) to a shadowy cabal of very early Masons. Has Amanda gotten herself in over her head? And will the stress of the situation reunite her with Romeo...who happens to be her ex-husband?

Squeaky Farts

Fans were thrilled this year when Fox revived Family Guy, the outrageous animated series. But is it every bit as crowd-pleasing as it could be? Fox thinks not, and will soon bring the public Squeaky Farts, which is just what it sounds like: a rendition of Family Guy that edits out all the parts of the show that are too smart for its own good. Some episodes of Family Guy make reference to Nazism, the Republican Party, and books, running the risk that some in its audience will not be in on the joke; the beauty of Squeaky Farts -- a twenty-two-minute loop of flatulence, each clip extracted from a real episode of the show -- is its guarantee: no viewer left behind. [Poot!]