1. A few years after rising to fame as the lovable little girl in E.T., she announced that she'd had a drug and alcohol problem since age nine.

• For being a whacked-out child star before whacked-out child stars were all the rage: +2

2. She started her unlikely career comeback with such cable-filler fare as Poison Ivy, Doppelganger, and Waxwork II: Lost in Time.

• For proving that soft-core-exploitation films can actually lead to stardom, and not just 1-800-Collect commercials: +2

3. She posed for Playboy in 1995.

• For her canny understanding of America's boundless good will towards once-famous people who are willing to show us their ta-tas: +2

4. She produced and starred in Charlie's Angels in 2000.

• For her canny understanding of America's boundless good will towards currently famous people who are willing to almost show us their ta-tas: +3

5. She is the godmother of Frances Bean Cobain, the daughter of Courtney Love.

• For providing Frances with a level-headed, down-to-earth alternative to turn to, just in case her mom goes a bit, you know, wiggy: -2

Mate Rating » 7 out of 10

When Stars Mate: The Methodology

When you're a fully-fledged celebrity, doing nothing in your spare time but appearing on talk shows and soaking up free champagne at movie premieres, it stands to reason that the only people you ever meet are other celebrities. Hence: The All-Celebrity Hook-up, which very often makes a successful transition to The All-Celebrity Relationship.

The problem is, if you're a celebrity, the odds are that your worth, and that of your mate's, will never be evenly matched. Therefore, when you meet and fall in love with another celebrity, either your worth, or that of your mate, will necessarily go down.

When Stars Mate is a service of Fametracker for celebrities dating, or married to, other celebrities. Fametracker will use this space to determine who in current celeb/celeb pairings has gained by the relationship, who has lost, and how the balance of power could be altered.

1. He rose to improbable fame as the host of MTV's shock comedy showcase, The Tom Green Show, in which he performed stunts such as sucking milk from a cow's udder and interviewing strangers with a microphone topped with dog crap.

• For setting himself apart, in an age that will go down as the salad days of gross-out comedy, as the very personification of gross-out comedy: +5

2. He was forced to discontinue show because his newfound recognizability made his trademark stunts unworkable.

• For proving that you can become famous as an obnoxious asshole, but you can't exist as a famous, obnoxious asshole: -1

3. He directed and starred in Freddy Got Fingered, likely the single most unfavourably reviewed movie of 2001.

• Because even Johnny Knoxville knew when to get out of the game: -2

4. He was once a member of a Canadian rap group called Organized Rhyme, which had a 1992 hit called "Check the O.R." on their album Stiffenin' Against The Wall.

• For proving himself to be, indisputably, the best udder-sucking, dead-moose-humping white rapper of all time: +2

5. He often liked to joke that reports of his wedding with Barrymore were false and that the couple wasn't really married.

• It's funny because it's true!: -1

Mate Rating » 3 out of 10

Has anyone yet remarked that "I, Drew Barrymore" is an anagram for "Marry Weird Bore"? Which she did. But linguistic hijinks aside, this was essentially a union between two people who were passing each other on the escalators of fame, like shoppers at a department store: one headed for the 2nd Floor (Lingerie, Menswear, Continued Success) and the other to the basement (Housewares, Linens, the "Catching Up With..." page in your local newspaper). As such, this split won't alter either person's eventual fate: it won't help Tom Green -- whose fame dinghy was already taking on water -- and it won't hurt Drew Barrymore, who has firmly established herself as America's favourite wacky and vaguely randy and possibly slutty little sister. (In fact, tabloid rumours of her infidelities with women will only stoke her rep as the country's favourite legit Lolita, the actually-good-looking version of Amy Fisher.) Barrymore is now free to shop around for another Minute-Rice hubby, while Green can, at best, look forward to the kind of post-Barrymore career boost enjoyed by actor and bar owner Jeremy Thomas, who divorced Barrymore in 1994 after a grueling nineteen-day marriage.