Welcome to the January 24th issue of People. Please watch your step as we enter the magazine:

Page 2: The contents page reveals the issue to be the usual heady brew of celebrity chowder ("Third Watch's Eddie Cibrian is turnig up the heat as a hunky TV firefighter") and what one People sort-of fan I know derisively calls the "real people stories": "With help from some unexpected friends, Jesse Spencer survives a shark attack and vows to surf again." This is the strange world that is People. I've never known exactly why People feels the need to mix inspirational, Reader's Digest-style stories in with the pleasantly empty star fodder (I mean, besides that whole one million readers thing); perhaps it's some subliminal plot to convince us that, hey, rich or poor, famous or failure, we're all just..."People."

Page 8: Star Tracks. In which celebrities are pictured. The highlights: Lorraine Bracco at The Sopranos premiere party, flanked by her two daughters, the eldest of which, Margaux, is a dead ringer for Lorraine Bracco, and the younger, Stella, is a dead ringer for Bracco's ex, Harvey Keitel. (Strangely, Stella comes out with the better end of that bargain.) Since Bracco is famously feuding with said ex, one wonders whether there's any subliminal tension when she sees her ex's face in her daughter's. Then one turns the page.

Only to find: Céline and her husband René Angelil, apparently auditioning for supporting roles in Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. Oh, wait, they're renewing their wedding vows, Egyptian-style. There's not much to say about this event other than -- well, it's got to be one of the very few in Las Vegas's history that caused locals to pause and comment, "Okay, now that's tacky."

Page 19: A little nugget on different celebrities who won't be reprising famous roles, e.g. Jim Carrey as the Mask, George Clooney as Batman, Jake Lloyd as Anakin Skywalker, and Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. Of course, Carrey and Clooney have gone on to bigger and better things. Lloyd is too young to play Anakin in the next film. And Stone? A "source close to Stone" reveals that "There was a script [for Basic Instinct II], but it didn't appeal to her." Assumedly, her schedule's booked up with all the other hot projects she has on the table, such as Last Dance Again, Look Who's Gloria Too, and The Mighty 2: The Quickening.

Page 49: Blah blah blah normal people blah blah blah hope and healing....

Page 57: A brief stop here at the People's Choice Awards round-up to point out that Ivana Visnjic, the wife of ER's Goran Visnjic, has the biggest pair of lips ever seen on a mortal. SAT answer of tomorrow: Ivana Visnjic is to Angelina Jolie as Angelina Jolie is to Helen Hunt.

Page 63: Blah blah blah terrifying midair hijacking blah blah blah hope and healing....

Page 93: A whole page dedicated to Craig Blankenship, a man who repairs the fuzzy "hair" on old G.I. Joe dolls who have "bald spots." Bonus points awarded for use of phrase "coif medicine."

Hey, we're all just people.

Page 96: Now we come to the pay-off: the big feature story on Friends, entitled "The Buddy System." Alternately, the story could be called "EXTRA EXTRA: Friends Still Friends!" You may recall that the "the cast of Friends are actually friends in real life" story angle was a popular one when the show first aired in 1994. Well, apparently they're all still friends. Nothing has changed. That may not seem like news. In fact, it's the opposite of news. It's also a People cover story.

What do we learn in this timely update? For one, we get the insider insights of June Gable, "who plays the chain-smoking agent of Joey Tribbiani." Oh, that June Gable. She dishes the dirt on Matthew Perry's addiction to painkillers, reporting: "Courteney Cox, particularly, was like a mother to him. And everyone, all the cast, supports each other. They're just there, like rocks."

NBC ad slogan of tomorrow: Friends: "They're just there, like rocks."

The best part of the "article" is the photos of Perry, including one taken during his addiction battle (in which he resembles a skinnier -- yes, skinnier -- Lyle Lovett) and a more current photo (late-era Johnny Cash, after eating Lyle Lovett).

Page 106: Newcomer Gina Philips joins the cast of Ally McBeal. Haiku-like photo caption of the week:

"DeRossi calls Philips (with Bellows) "bubbly."'

Pages 115 through 139: A football player whose leg was amputated, a football player who had his pregnant girlfriend murdered, and Stephen King's recovery from getting blindsided by a van. (Said the driver: "He was just there, like a rock.") Read: A whole heaping helping of hope and healing.

Page 140: The final story is one about Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, who put the "age" in "engaged." Or, rather, they put the "barf" in "engabarfged."

Thank you, come again. Please return your headsets to the security guard as you exit.