Will Robert Downey Jr. ever graduate from rehab? Career rehab, that is.

We at Fametracker were excitedly anticipating the arrival of the November 3 issue of Entertainment Weekly because we knew it would contain a favourable review of our sister site, Mighty Big TV (and there it was, on page 85, lording its 'A' grade over Salon's 'C+' -- HA!), but our excitement over reading our rave was tempered by the unfortunate image of Downey grinning mirthlessly out at us from the cover, promoting his upcoming eight-episode guest role on Ally McBeal. We're not sure when it happened that the somewhat cute Robert Downey Jr. of our youth metamorphosed into the bland-ugly schlub he is today, but it's undeniable that it's happened. With an equally dead-eyed Calista Flockhart clinging protectively to his side (Downey seems to have his thumb hooked through one of her belt loops) Downey squints out, baring his teeth in a macabre approximation of a smile. The effect is of a man trying very hard to project happiness through a fog of self-loathing.

To its credit, EW doesn't go the Jane route by treating Downey's recent incarceration as a miscarriage of justice, and is, in fact, quite frank about Downey's status as a recent parolee. Unfortunately, they give him a little too much leeway in telling his folksy takes of prison life. Downey confesses that, while he was excited to land a role on the show, he didn't get to watch it in prison: Friends was huge. As a matter of fact, you know when the show starts, 'Da na na na na' and everyone claps? I swear to God, it was just like 75 thugs going 'Da na na na na life was gonna be this way...' CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP! 'Stop the clapping, dude! I've got kitchen at 4:30!' 'Shut the f--- up!'" Oh, mercy! Allow me a moment to wipe the tears of joy from my eyes. Haven't we all been there? You know, in prison, surrounded by Schwimmer-loving convicts? Isn't it a bit unseemly that Downey's prison experience has been reduced to a cute anecdote? He also cracks wise about the irony of his playing a lawyer on Ally in light of all his real-life Method preparation in a courtroom setting: "I immediately went up into the judge's chair. Nice view. A preferable perspective."

Downey mentions his son Indio as part of his impetus for playing a "good-guy" character -- which is nice, though it's a pity his son wasn't inspiration enough for Downey to remain sober all those years, and that the vehicle for Downey's good-guy rebirth is on a show that isn't really appropriate for kids to watch (though, on the other hand, the notion of Downey's turning up on Blue's Clues is more disturbing to contemplate). And Pam Wisne, head of David E. Kelley's production company, says that when she goes out with Downey, "all kinds of people come up to him, saying, 'Now you do it this time! And good luck to you!'" Which is nice, but the article doesn't report whether passersby had the same sorts of encouraging words the last time Downey was released from prison.

Then there's the question of what good this will even do for Downey's career. While Fox executives and Ally producers promise that the show won't be as "outlandish" this year as it was in its third season, the show has lost a reported thirteen percent of its audience, and the season premiere was beaten in the ratings by both Monday Night Football and Everybody Loves Raymond. Even Ally's stars seem to have an inferiority complex about the quality of their show. Greg Germann comments, "I thought, 'That's the thing he's gonna choose? To be with us???' I really did. I couldn't believe that he would want to be with us -- not to put us down." Um, too late, dude.

Finally, there's the Flockhart factor. Sure, the issue is littered with shots of her and Downey cozied up to each other, grinning at each other (check out the shot on page 35: poor Downey's got more wrinkles than a Shar-Pei), making eyes, yada. The article's author, Dan Snierson, "pit[ies] the pairing that tries to match the white-hotness of Flockhart's fusion with Downey." Flockhart praises Downey for "rais[ing] the bar" on the cast's performances, and he calls her "the crème de la crème of actresses." So what about all those stories we keep hearing about Flockhart's on-set prickliness and her demands that no one look her in the eye? I guess they must not be true.

In conclusion: give it up, EW. Robert Downey Jr. was cast in the world's Dead Pool long before Ally McBile came calling.