The July 2001 issue of Esquire offers up "Ten Men: Inspiring Profiles of Extraordinary Lives." Now, we could focus on the profile of Josef Penninger, the Toronto-based scientist whose work with "knockout mice" may revolutionize the way we think about genes, but, alas, this is Fametracker, not Sciencetracker. We could also peruse the profile of Charlton Heston, now entering his third century as the president of the NRA (which, when he was elected, was known as the NMBA, or National Musket and Blunderbuss Association, but changed its name after a legal wrangle with NAMBLA). But, again, this is Fametracker, not Wingnuttracker. (Though there is, admittedly, some overlap.) (Martin Lawrence.)

And so we shall focus on three of the ten men: Jon Stewart, Mark Burnett, and Pearl Harbor director Michael Bay.

Here's what you need to know about Jon Stewart: He's very funny. Well, you know that already, but this issue offers even more incontrovertible proof. Here, Esquire jumps on the now teeteringly overfull "The Daily Show is the smartest thing in the world of comedy ever" bandwagon, and we're not going to say it isn't, because it probably is -- just like The Onion was the smartest thing in the world of comedy ever a year ago, and The Simpsons a few years before that, and, before that, Family Ties.

In addition to this not-very-new revelation, however, Esquire makes the very smart choice of allowing the very funny Jon Stewart to annotate the article about him, which was very smart because the article about him was not very smart. And as such, it doesn't make for a great article, but does make for a great foundation on which Jon Stewart can build him some comedy. And since Jon Stewart has already done a stellar job of making fun of how un-smart the article about him is, we won't do the same here. Also, it's somewhat difficult to replicate just how funny his annotations are, since you don't have the source material in front of you, but suffice to say that the annotations include the phrases "Conrad Bain with a superfluous nipple" and "Times Roman is the most dignified font" and "Jewey Jew a piece of Jew on my Jew?" and "I still have it up my ass."

Here's what you need to know about Mark Burnett: If you produce the most successful show in the world of reality TV ever, magazines will come to you and ask you to share What You've Learned, and you'll tell them things like, "If you believe in something, go with it," and "You can't take yourself too seriously," and "Some people are frightened of failing. Some people are frightened of succeeding." And the magazine will reverently publish these koans, without comment, even though none of them are one-tenth as profound as "Jewey Jew a piece of Jew on my Jew?"

Here's what you need to know about Michael Bay: Well, since you've likely already given him three hours of your life, you won't want to give him forty minutes more by reading this piece. So we're going to condense the Inspiring Profile about the Extraordinary Life of Michael Bay down to its essential elements:

Whether Michael Bay wears his collar up: He does.

Whether Michael Bay avoids parking in the handicapped spot: He does not.

What Michael Bay tells himself when his movies get bad reviews: "It's like, sometimes, it's like, not everyone has to like my movies! Okay? I don't care if they don't like my movies!"

What Michael Bay says to critics who gave Armageddon a bad review: "It's like, dude, wake up!"

What Michael Bay remembers about the time his dog, Grace, ate a handful of rocks: "She was in the hospital. I mean, it was a lot of rocks. She had enemas and all that stuff to get them out ­- it was so funny."

What Michael Bay said when he was called by a veterinarian who was in the middle of an operation to remove foreign objects from the intestines of Bay's other dog, Mason: "Well, what does it look like? Does it look like pool equipment?"

What Michael Bay said when, as a young man, he worked as an underling on Raiders of the Lost Ark: "Wow, this movie is really going to suck."

What Michael Bay remembers about his dying father's last days: "It's sad because, you know, he said, 'One thing I want to live to see is your movie.'"