The typical Vanity Fair cover subject is a well-known, pretty movie star with a product to plug. If Angel Eyes is coming out in May, you'd better believe Jennifer Lopez is going to be on the cover of the May issue, wearing nothing but her bra and panties, for good measure. Occasionally, a TV star -- like Jennifer Aniston -- sneaks under the radar and makes it onto the cover. And very rarely, yet regularly -- once a year, to be precise -- Vanity Fair plays a little practical joke by choosing as its cover subject someone who is not, by any standard one might choose, famous enough to merit that exalted position; historically, the result of this premature overexposure is to derail the cover subject's career.

Exhibit A: Matthew McConaughey. VF anointed him its It Boy around the A Time to Kill era. Moments later, he was gratefully picking up Woody Harrelson's sloppy seconds.

Exhibit B: Heath Ledger. VF put him on the cover when he'd starred in a grand total of two (no lie) American movies. One year later, his (also premature) star vehicle A Knight's Tale is trailing the shoestring-budgeted Memento in its per-screen revenues.

Exhibit C: Gretchen Mol. Period.

So let's all say a silent prayer for Josh Hartnett, whose pretty, pretty face adorns the cover of the July 2001 issue. With the above-named Exhibits A through C, VF seemed sincere, if misguided, in its elevation of middling or untested talents to the lofty cover slot. In Hartnett's case, however, the coverline sets the tone for the profile that follows: "Admit It. Two Weeks Ago You'd Never Heard of Josh Hartnett. What a Difference a Costly Summer Blockbuster Makes." From then on, the magazine's editors seem to be deliberately fucking with him, persistently drawing attention to the fact that Josh Hartnett really should not be on the cover of the magazine, and yet, somehow, is. The headline within reads, "The Making of Josh Hartnett," suggesting that he still isn't "made" in the way that, say, recent cover subjects Jude Law, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Keanu Reeves, or Julianne Moore all are.

From there, things do not improve for poor, poor Josh. The profile's author, Bruce Handy, keeps hammering at the huge expectations everyone -- director Michael Bay, producer Jerry Bruckheimer, all of Disney -- had for Pearl Harbor, which just serves to emphasize the fact that this story went to press before Harbor even opened. Handy's thesis is basically that Harbor is another Titanic and Hartnett its latter-day Leonardo DiCaprio. What we know now (and what Handy couldn't possibly have known then) is that Harbor is turning out to be a huge disappointment to everyone involved and that if Hartnett ever does turn into the next Leo, it won't be because thirteen-year-old girls are going to see Harbor nine or ten times apiece. Because that isn't happening. And it isn't going to happen. Ever. We hasten to say that we don't think that's Hartnett's fault; he isn't even on the poster, for heaven's sake. But it's like the profile jinxes the whole enterprise. "[Hartnett's] starring in a movie [Michael Bay, Jerry Bruckheimer, and Ben Affleck] hope is currently well on its way to becoming a worldwide blockbuster..." Except it's not. "[I]f all goes according to plan, by the Fourth of July, Josh Hartnett will be a product-moving, culture-bridging heartthrob on the order of Leonardo DiCaprio, or thereabouts." Except he won't.

It's fitting that his lover...er, "best friend" in the movie is played by Ben Affleck, since Hartnett comes across in the profile as the thoughtful, intelligent young actor Affleck seems to think he is, and always projects himself to be, yet isn't. You might not know Hartnett is smart or thoughtful about his job -- we didn't -- because unlike Affleck, Hartnett isn't continually giving himself a hernia from the strain of impressing upon you how clever he is. Even in his brief cameo in Handy's profile of Hartnett, Affleck really doesn't do himself any favours by allowing Handy to quote a paragraph from an email Affleck wrote him, in which -- even in an email, just about the most informal written communication in which one can engage -- Affleck is still just trying. Too. Hard: "Simply put, Josh will get very famous very quickly and runs the very real risk of becoming a sort of one-man embodiment of the Backstreet Boys to hormone-crazed 15-year-old girls from Minnetonka to Tarzana....I suspect he'll find the prospect of this (as well as that of becoming a pinup in prison cells everywhere -- which is, I'd say, the 'downside') somewhat overwhelming. It's great and heady, but a little weird to say the least." First of all, jealous much, Grandpa? He implies that all of the above happened to himself following Good Will Hunting. Um. Not. Second, the "Minnetonka to Tarzana" bit of calculatedly offhand specificity? Yeah, you're not Kevin Smith, and we all know you were sitting at your iBook for ten minutes thinking, "'Albany to Altamont'? No... 'Providence to Pasadena'? No... 'Minnetonka to Tarzana'! Le mot juste!" Third, shut up.

Once Handy gets through interviewing everyone surrounding Hartnett and gets to Hartnett himself, the actor acquits himself admirably. Handy tells us that, when Hartnett starred in the film version of The Virgin Suicides, he made a point of skipping over the screenwriter and meeting with Jeffrey Eugenides, the author of the novel on which the movie was based, in order to research his role. When he's not working, he still lives with his parents. He loves the Beats. (Well, no one's perfect.) He seems mindful of how lucky he is for the breaks he's had in his career (not least of which is missing out on getting cast on Dawson's Creek). His favourite movie scene of all time is when Carlo gets garroted in The Godfather -- scarcely a big actorly showcase for anyone involved, but integral to the film's plot and harrowing in its staging, which is what Hartnett responds to. He's even aware of his limitations as an actor, frankly admitting, "I never really understood how the movie stars would do their charismatic thing...and [everyone who worked on Harbor] definitely tried to teach me." He is generous about the colleagues on his various films. Even given the celebrity blowjobs VF customarily performs, Hartnett comes off particularly well. He just has a refreshing salt-of-the-earth quality. You know? He just seems good.

Which is why poor, poor Josh doesn't deserve to have been targeted for this year's annual Vanity Fair career assassination. Michael Bay comments, "There are so many times when people are anointed the next movie star...and they lose it." We're hoping poor Josh Hartnett proves the exception in this case.