We have to imagine that, for a magazine editor, there can't be many things more humiliating than being shown the door in one of those we've-politely-asked- you-to-resign, now-you-have- one-hour-to- collect-your-things- before-security- escorts-you-from- the-building-style firings. The only thing worse is being shown the door and then having the magazine you once helmed act like your tenure never existed.

That's exactly what's happened to Kate Betts, who was briefly the editor of Harper's Bazaar before getting the heave-ho back in May. This month's Harper's Bazaar -- the November issue and the first under new editor Glenda Bailey -- features this note from the incoming chief: "Past Bazaars have stood for a festival of fashion that is influential, imaginative, breathtakingly beautiful, and full of life. Those created by Carmel Snow and Alexey Brodovich, Liz Tilberis and Fabien Baron are legendary, representing a party to which everyone wanted to be invited." And those created by Kate Betts and her revolving design team of yes-men have been taken out and burned in a dumpster in the back alley, and will never be spoken of again.

As the editor's letter indicates, the new Bazaar is the old Bazaar, right down to the reinstated classic logo, which returns after a hiatus during Betts's stewardship. (Her trashing of the old sacrosanct logo in favour of a trendy sans-serif update was the first of many upheavals that left the higher-ups aghast.) But enough magazine gossip -- on to the celebrity gossip. To announce its return to classic, timeless elegance, Bazaar naturally chose Gwyneth Paltrow -- the reigning poster-girl of classic, timeless elegance -- to grace its cover. Strange, since the movie Paltrow's shilling this month is the Farrelly Brothers' Shallow Hal, which promises to be neither classic nor timeless, and assuredly not elegant.

Which is precisely why Gwyneth chose the film, the magazine informs us. She felt it was time to let her hair down. "I was getting sick of the way magazines perceived me as this ice princess," Paltrow explains, immediately calling to mind all those withering magazine profiles she's been victim to over the last few years, a stretch only intermittently interrupted by the occasional piece of positive coverage. She has no such fears from this piece, which is penned by a former school chum ญญ a self-described "long-time friend." The advantage of drafting an old mate to write a celebrity profile cuts both ways: the star is assured of a kid-gloves treatment and, as such, the magazine is assured of unfettered access. Everyone wins. Well, except the reader, of course, but then again, what did you think you were holding in your hands, The Economist?

Here are a few things that we learn about Gwyneth Paltrow in this article:

1. There is a side of her that is guileless and funny and open and informal, a side that only her friends see. She refers to this side as her "Jew half."

2. She has always had style and was always a fashion trendsetter. She always hated her butt. And she always knew she'd be famous. "I said this before, and it was taken the wrong way," she says, adding, "If you ask any famous person if they always knew, they will say yes. Maybe two out of a hundred would say no. I just knew." She doesn't explain how this additional clarification might help people take what she's said in the right way.

3. Cameron Diaz is the most glowy person she's ever met. "Cameron Diaz is the most glowy person I've ever met," she says.

4. She is on a macrobiotic diet. She doesn't even eat chicken.

5. She thinks Christiane Amanpour is "totally punk rock. And brilliant and sexy and so cool." She thinks that Nicole Kidman "is so smart about what she picks." And she would "definitely be a guest star on Sex and the City if they asked me."

6. What did she learn from portraying an obese woman whose inner beauty is finally recognized? "Body image is so important in our society."

7. What else did she learn? "If you go back through history there are times where perhaps the ideal body shape now would be considered sickly. I've always been a skinny person; if I was born in a different time I'd be looked down upon for being a thin person." They might even insist that you give up your macrobiotic diet. And eat chicken.

8. She is not worried that the public will think Shallow Hal mocks the plus-size population. "I was worried, because the movie is not in any way making fun of overweight people, and if people see pictures they might think that's the joke, but it's not." And if they see the trailer for the movie, they might also think that's the joke, since it is the joke in every joke that's in the trailer. Like the scene in which a skinny Gwyneth jumps into a pool -- and a huge amount of water splashes out, because in actuality, she's so fat! Or the scene in which a skinny Gwyneth leads a horse -- who's bowed in the middle from the strain of carrying her, because she's so fat! In deference to our great respect for the comedic talents of Jack Black, we have decided to reserve our judgment of this movie until we can actually see it. Perhaps, all signs to the contrary, it is a sensitive, thoughtful treatment of body-image issues. Honestly -- while we have our suspicions -- we don't know. What we do know is that when you're being interviewed for a magazine to promote this movie, and saying things like "Pulchritude is directly proportionate to your body. People think you can't be desirable if you're over a certain weight," maybe it's not the best idea to pose nude for the accompanying photos. Yet there she is, stretched out in all her lithe, black-and-white, Patrick-Demarchelier-shot glory, lying on her front in one pose and in the other coyly turning her back to give us a glimpse of that butt she's always hated. All that's missing from these photos is the serrated line along the edge with the little drawing of the scissors, all the better to encourage readers to clip them out and hold them up to the mirror as a handy point of comparison.

9. She's interested in historical preservation and environmental concerns, as well as a vague project that the writer describes as "improving the quality of life for all New Yorkers." (Perhaps this is somehow linked to Paltrow's admission that she goes through boyfriends at a pace of one every six weeks.) The writer also explains that her friends have "long been aware of her Princess Diana-esque (albeit unpublicized) visits to pediatric wards over the years." And now, as though by magic, we are aware of these unpublicized visits as well.

10. She loves a good cheese tray. "God, I love a good cheese tray," she says. "The stinkier, the better!"