People magazine's special issue, "The 100 Greatest Movie Stars of Our Time," is a collector's item. It says so right on the cover: "Special Collector's Edition." Of course, this raises the question: just what kind of collection would this magazine be added to? A collection of celebrity puff-pieces? (You'd need several warehouses, each as long as a city block, just to house it.) A "stunningly obvious and unnecessary special issues" collection? Perhaps a collection of things labeled "Collector's Edition" that clearly have no future value, and little worth in the present?

But we are too unkind. Surely there are people who will squirrel this special issue away in a climate-controlled room somewhere, on a shelf next to their "Collector's Edition" first issue of Talk, and the "Special Collector's" one-off issues of Lady Di: The People's Princess. Hell, we bought the damn thing, so we shouldn't be acting so superior. Then again, we bought it for purely anthropological reasons. Essentially, we bought it so you won't have to. If you already did, then, well, you probably feel as stupid as we did for shelling out $9.99 ($15.99 in Canada -- ouch).

The premise of the 143-page book (book? Magazine? Bookazine?) is to catalogue the 100 biggest stars of our time. That's it. Usually, these kind of lists are intriguing because their rankings provide some fodder for debate. When Entertainment Weekly does their list issues, for example, they at least have the decency (and smarts) to rank the 100 best comedies/ thrillers/ DVDs/ hooks stolen for Puff Daddy singles so that we, the readers, can then take lively issue with their results.

But People could never get away with anything so controversial as actually ranking stars. So while the cover promises the "100 Greatest Movie Stars," don't expect that they'll be presented from #100 all the way to #1, like a Casey Kasem countdown. This is a glossy, perfect-bound Valentine, pure and simple: one hundred stars, in more or less random order, with huge photos and accompanying bios that consist primarily of directors and producers praising the star's generosity and talent, then a quote from the star about how lucky and/or happy and/or boring they are. (If you have ever perused even one copy of People, this style will not be alien to you.) The book doesn't list the stars alphabetically for maximum fairness, but it's just about that lame.

Because it's not as if the book is chock-a-block with surprises. This is not the top 100 emerging stars, mind you: it's the ones everyone already knows way too much about. Tom Cruise? You betcha! Julia Roberts? Of course! Harrison Ford? What do you think? People rolls the dice on a couple of youngsters (Josh Hartnett among the boys, Reese Witherspoon among the girls), but otherwise, it's the celebrity equivalent of the Fortune 500.

People does break down the stars into different categories, such as "Icons" (your Cruises, Julia Robertses, Newmans, and Fords), "Bombshells" (Michelle Pfeiffer, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Kim Basinger), "Master Class" (Meryl Streep, Pacino, Russell Crowe), "Action Heroes" (Stallone, Ahnuld, Ben Affleck), etc. For the congenitally argumentative, this provides at least some grist for debate; for example, Pacino gets to be in the hoity "Master Class" (the really-good-actors category) while DeNiro gets bumped to "The Wild Ones," reserved for Hollywood bad boys like Nicolas Cage and Johnny Depp. Meanwhile, Dustin Hoffman -- the other male member of the Method acting Holy Trinity -- gets shelved in "Role Players" (character actors) along with Kevin Spacey, Glenn Close, Kathy Bates, and -- yikes -- Michael J. Fox. (Okay, we said it was grist for debate, not red-hot controversy that will rend families apart and pit brother against brother.)

You may also wring mild interest from some of the oddball inclusions in various categories. For example, we understand that circumstances dictate that Michael J. Fox must be included in the book, but why is he in with Hoffman, Spacey, et al. in the "Role Players" category? Isn't Michael J. Fox pretty much the exact opposite of a role player? In fact, isn't every role he has ever played in his life that of Michael J. Fox? Even he says in his own puffy profile, "I'm not a chameleon actor." No, no you are not. Cute, yes; talented, sure; noble in his private life, of course. And we loved him in Teen Wolf. But he's about as far from a character actor as you can get.

So, you might be thinking, this bookazine sounds like a total waste of time. Yes, yes it does. But if you read carefully and closely enough, there are nuggets of interest to be panned out of this great flowing river of puff. (The mighty Puffissippi, as it were.) You might not learn who the numero-uno movie star of our time is (though given her cover placement and first-among-"Icons" inside placement, you can guess who People thinks the top star is: ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Danny Moder). But you can learn a few things, as we did. Thirteen things, to be exact:

1. Movie fans are apparently in constant need of assurance. For example, in the matter of Tom Hanks's real-life personality. "'The man is as honest, as professional, as personal as he seems to be,' assured Gump producer Steve Tisch." Or, on Demi Moore: "'She'll come back,' assured movie exec Mike Medavoy." "Assured"? Assured whom, exactly? We the people? The anxious People magazine writer? ("Tell me she'll be back, Medavoy! Tell me!") Demi Moore herself? Or is this strange syntactical construction simply meant to imply that Tisch and Medavoy are extremely confident men -- the "assured movie exec"? Such are the sweet mysteries of People magazine prose.

2. Celebrities need multiple adjectives to capture their fabulousness. Three is usually about the right number. Sometimes four. In extreme cases, five is advisable. For example, Monster's Ball director Marc Forster on Halle Berry: "She was so open, so raw, vulnerable, committed, passionate." Or Michael Douglas on Kathleen Turner: "She's funny, sexy, vulnerable, and endlessly intriguing." Or Tisch on Hanks: "The man is as honest, as professional, as personal has he seems to be." Or Paul Thomas Anderson on Gwyneth Paltrow (who, strangely, gets stuck in with the "Master Class" -- while Hofffman's in Role Players!): "Gwyneth isn't afraid to do anything. She is totally not afraid to be unglamourous or despicable or sad or funny or stupid." Even cranky, iconoclastic celebrities will reliably let four adjectives do the work of one. Marlon "Icon" Brando on Hollywood: "I've never had any respect for Hollywood. It stands for greed, avarice, phoniness, crassness." Right, because if it just stood for greed, avarice, and phoniness, then it wouldn't be such a bad place to live, really.

3. Paul Newman, in his prime, was the hottest man of, if not all recorded history, then certainly since the invention of the photograph. Okay, you don't need this book to learn that, but if there was any doubt, please see page 17. Ay carumba.

4. Celebrities are happy... Nicole Kidman: "This is the best time of my life." Jessica Lange: "I have to say my life is great." Kevin Costner: "I'm happy about the things I've done." Angela Bassett: "My life is joyful." Jeff Bridges: "I'm having a great career."

5. Or lucky... Bruce Willis: "[I'm] just a guy. Just a very fortunate guy." Renée Zellweger: "I'm lucky to get to do what I love." Michael J. Fox: "The title of his recent memoir says it all: Lucky Man.

6. Or boring... Jodie Foster: "I finally accomplished my finest ambition, which is to be the most boring person on earth." Clint Eastwood: "It would be terrible to play me in person. I'd be boring as crap in a movie."

7. Or unnervingly ambitious. Her brother, on Catherine Zeta-Jones: "She always had this drive. When Catherine went onstage, it was like a tiger coming out in her." Demi Moore: "I'm very ambitious and very driven. I want stardom." Ben Affleck: "My fantasy is that someday I'm independently wealthy enough that I can run for Congress." Will Smith: "I want to be the standard. I want Tom Cruise to take the movies that I turn down." And, finally, Will Smith: "I absolutely believe I could be the President of the United States."

8. The secret father of Jodie Foster's children is...Giorgio Armani! Seriously! It says so right here on page 12: "A workhorse with a Yale degree, she wears her brains as easily as she does Armani." She does Armani! Now that's some juicy info! That -- oh, never mind.

9. When in doubt, quote Dustin Hoffman.... Hoffman on Warren Beatty: "He's been famous longer than he's been alive." Hoffman on Susan Sarandon: "She's a sensual being, and she will be for the rest of her life." Hoffman on Brad Pitt: "Next to that kid, we all look like onions." If you believe People, Hoffman is the Dorothy Parker of Hollywood. And for this they exile him to Role Players! With Michael J. Fox! (Honorable mention goes to Steve Martin, who says Kathleen Turner has "a behind you'd like to eat lunch off.")

10. ...because most other Hollywood people say dumb things. Okay, again, you're not going to learn this from this magazine, but it will certainly be confirmed. To whit: "'All of a sudden you're like a trunk going through an airport, covered in stickers,' Kim Basinger once groused about how celebs get pigeonholed. 'I've spent my life pulling off those stickers.'" Yes, and we quite enjoyed watching you pull off your stickers in 9 1/2 Weeks. Or Jerry Bruckheimer on Josh Hartnett: "When he walks into a room, you know he's there." Especially if, like Bruckheimer, you possess the heightened senses of El Lobo! Or this, from thespian/innovative games-theoretician Johnny Depp, on the birth of his infant daughter: "I looked at her and instantly everything came into sharp focus. Everything else is just Parcheesi." Yes, Johnny, yes it is. Everything else is just Parcheesi.

11. Halle Berry may well have the best publicist in Hollywood. Okay, we know she was the first black actress to win a Best Actress Oscar and all, and by all accounts she was quite good in Monster's Ball, a movie that a very small percentage of Americans will ever see. But, Holy Moses, does People ever love Halle Berry. Not only does she get on the cover, and get to be the lead profile in the "Bombshells" category, but there's also a gratuitous, inside cover, Halle-Berry-naked- on-strawberries shot. (Boy, some photographer really earned his fee on that one. Berry -- get it?) Was it just this time last year that Berry was best known for (a) baring her breasts in Swordfish and (b) illegally fleeing the scene of an accident? Halle Berry, wherever you are, give your publicist a raise. Give your publicist two raises. And thank your stars that this issue went to press before your husband checked himself into a clinic for sex addiction. Meanwhile, we could point out that People's obsession with Berry might be interpreted as slightly racist, or at least opportunistic. ("Finally, a black woman we can put on the cover! Urban demographic, here we come! And the best part is, she's not even that black!") Instead, however, we'll try to follow the next thing we've learned....

12. If you can't say something nice, then say the not-nice thing, but in a nice way. Of course, any list of the 100 greatest stars is going to include tyrants, divas, and celebs who are famously cagey about their famous secrets. So, if you're People, how do you address these issues? To paraphrase the old joke: very euphemistically. For example, you describe Kevin Spacey as "a fiercely private bachelor." Of Cher, you write that she keeps "confounding us with her latest guy or plastic surgery." (Yes, that's it -- we're confounded.) Russell Crowe exhibits "a pugnaciousness." Of Julia Roberts, you say that "[h]er growing fame enflamed the tabloids, which tagged Roberts as a commitment-phobe for her ricochet romances." Damn you, tabloids -- and don't shoot the messenger!

And what of the Hollywood equivalent of one-hit wonders -- stars like Bo Derek, Christopher Reeve, and Macauley Culkin, who briefly shone in one famous part, then disappeared? You dub them "Star Bursts," and add, "With celestial casting, this cluster entered the film firmament." Why, it's not like their careers tanked, it's more like they went to heaven! We are now looking forward to our next trip to Los Angeles, when we can sit in a seedy Valley dive and listen to the guy at the bar say, "You know, I was a Star Burst once."

13. Through it all, however, there are rare moments of unvarnished clarity. Quoth Adam Sandler: "I'm not particularly smart. I'm not particularly talented. I'm not particularly good-looking. And yet I am a multi-millionaire." Yes, Adam Sandler, yes you are. And everything else, as it has been famously said, is just Parcheesi.