She Blinded Me With Scientific Beauty! Beep Boop Beep Boop!

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I'm sorry. I can't type properly. I've been blinded by beauty.

Yes, it's that time of year. People magazine has once again graciously taken on the task of whittling down the hundreds of blindingly brilliant, gaspingly gorgeous, eye-searingly spectacular celebrities to a final, chart-topping fifty. How do they do this? Can you imagine the arguments? Benjamin Bratt! Rodrigo Santoro! Benjamin Bratt! Rodrigo Santoro! Benjamin Bratt! Rodrigo Santoro!

Then some poor unfortunate associate editor gets a letter opener to the eye. And Rodrigo Santoro, "Brazilian actor and health buff," gets page 142.

This annual culling of the perfect may seem an arduous -- and arbitrary -- task. Because, as we all know, the stars included, such as Diane Kruger, age twenty-seven, the German-born former model, are chosen solely on the merits of their physical flawlessness and not, say, by, you know, being in Troy.

This year, though, People's given us a peek into the process. These selections aren't just the ephemeral whims of overworked editors, their eyes blearied by beauty. (Imagine the poor art director, leaning over the light table, blood running down her cheeks as she screams like Belloq in the climactic scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark: "It's beautiful!" Then her head explodes.)

No, these selections are made based on the rigourous rules of science. Science, dammit! Science!

"It's about two-thirds the width of his mouth and a perfect one-third of the length of his face, and his wide cheekbones and square jaw balance the width." No, this isn't Keats, writing another ode. This is Dr. Steven Pearlman, a Manhattan plastic surgeon and president-elect of the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, or AAFPRS. And he's lovingly describing Orlando Bloom's...nose.

Oh yes. Let us see that perfect one-third, baby.

Bloom's nose is featured in a section titled "Most Wanted," which details the "most wanted" lips, eyes, nose, cheekbones of the stars. The possessor of each perfect feature is described with a snappy, verb-centric sentence; for example, of Nicole Kidman's skin: "She glows." Or Johnny Depp's cheekbones: "He smolders." Of Bloom's coveted nose: "He commands."

That's right. Orlando Bloom's nose commands. It commands you! To do what, it's not entirely clear. Assumedly, to get thee to a rhinoplasty clinic.

The rest of the fifty globe-bestingly beautiful stars are trotted out with less one-specific-feature-praising fanfare. Rather, we can simply admire the whole smoldering, glowing, commanding package.

All the familiar characters are here: the token actress of a certain age (Diane Keaton); the token sports guy (Yankee Alex Rodriguez, barely nosing out his pin-up boy teammate, Derek Jeter); the token woman still desperately trying to shed the masculine residue of an Oscar-winning role (Hilary Swank); the token divinely anointed hunk of beefcake (Jim Caviezel); the token Jennifer Aniston (Jennifer Aniston).

What is it about these people that make them so mesmerizing? So seductive? So worthy of our unadulterated adulation?

Again, we must turn to science.

Apparently, beauty is not, in fact, in the eye of the beholder, as some olden-days person wanted us to believe. (Maybe it was Caesar, or Jesus.) Beauty can be reduced to a mathematical formula -- and it's fun to try at home!

Let's listen to Dr. Francis Palmer, founder of the Beverly Hills International Center for Aesthetic Surgery and co-director of facial plastic surgery at USC School of Medicine. (And with each paragraph-hogging list of professional credentials, you can picture the poor People factchecker, phone stuck to ear as the aesthetic-surgery doctor in question reads her resume very slowly over the phone, as though speaking to someone who's developmentally delayed. "Beverly... Hills... Interna -- yes -- International... Aesthetic....")

Dr. Fisher has "devised the following point system to determine true beauty." Yay! Point systems! Thanks, Dr. Fisher!

You get 75% of the points for your cheekbones, 10% for eyes/eyebrows, 7% for lips, and 2% each for jaw, chin, and neck; sleek nose; clear skin; and "general harmony of features."

Who scores the highest among recent reality babes? Why, its newly minted millionaire Amber Brkich, with 97%. She got the million, the husband, and the general harmony of features. Oh, sweet Jim Caviezel -- explain to us why life is so unfair!

But where do we fit in? How do I compare on the percentile-scale of true beauty? It's easy to find out! Here's the formula: "To do a self-analysis, draw an imaginary line from the pupil of your eye down toward your jaw. Draw a second line from the nostrils across your cheeks. The bottom of your cheekbone should fall at or below the intersection of these lines. If it is higher, your face may appear flat and masculine."

If your cheekbone falls at or below the intersection of these lines, please take your flat and masculine face and report to your local repurposing plant, where you will be reprocessed as protein-rich feed for the beautiful.

She glows. She sparkles. He smolders. You suck.

Hey, that's not our opinion. That's science talking. Now get thee to a rhinoplasty clinic, and quickly go.