Has it only been a year since People last anointed the world's 50 Most Beautiful People? Yes, it's true! But now that last year's subjects have been ritually maimed, disfigured, and disgraced, People can forward a whole new half-hundred batch for your ogling pleasure.

Join The Mediator, won't you, as we venture inside. Please don your protective googles. You wouldn't want your retinas to be damaged by all the searing beauty, leaving you babbling and insane.

But first, the cover, featuring Ms. Julia Roberts.

Yes, she's still beautiful. Holy cow, is she ever beautiful! Or should we say, "Holy cow, has market research at People ever determined that, apparently, Julia Roberts covers outsell everything else, because she's on the cover of this issue every. Freaking. Year."

Okay. She's hot. We get it. Is she hotter than Eva Longoria? Yes! Next question!

Brace yourself, because here we go.

Page 12: Okay, calm down, people. We'll get to your beautiful people in a moment. But first -- stars with their little kids! Look at Jude Law and his adorable moppets! No wonder he hates the paparazzi! Attention kidnappers! Get ready to clip 'n' save!

Page 39: Hey, look! Deposed Beautiful Person Andie MacDowell is starring in a TV movie called Riding the Bus With My Sister. And playing the sister...Andre the Giant! Oh, wait a second. That's not Andre the Giant. It's -- Oh, good Lord.

Pretty people...pretty people...we know they're in here somewhere...must...cleanse...brain...

Page 56: Just the tonic -- Brangelina! We told you you'd need those goggles. Has anyone else noticed that this whole breakup story has shifted, through the magic of flackery, from "Jennifer Aniston, Spurned Wife" to "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW HOT THIS COUPLE IS! WE CAN'T TEAR OUR EYES AWAY!" Well done, flacks.

Page 68: Finally, here we are: Let the Beautiful Peopling commence! Starting with...Julia Roberts, Professor Emeritus of Beautifulocity! Wow, she's just so incredibly popular with People magazine newsstand buyers...er, we mean, "beautiful!"

Page 72: Also beautiful: Angelina and Brad Pitt. Yes, we covered that.

Page 78: Yum...Orlando Bloom. Even your transcendent hotness couldn't lure people out to your good old rollicking Crusades movie. Oh, well. Why fuck the cow, when People magazine is dripping in the milk? Something like that...

Page 82: "She's so gorgeous. She looks like a piece of Mayan sculpture," says Jane Fonda of Jennifer Lopez. Funny, because she sings like a piece of Mayan sculpture, too. But seriously, these two have definite chemistry. Someone should put them in movie together!

Page 102: We're bored!

Wouldn't it be more fun if People ranked the 50 Most Beautiful in order from 1 to 50? Then each year people could rise and fall, like on the Billboard charts? Or maybe if they paired each Beautiful Person with an older star whom they're likely to look like in thirty-five years, assuming they get roughly the same amount of plastic surgery? Clive Owen, meet Burt "Stretch" Reynolds.

Anyone? No?

They put Clive Owen through Googlism, and got revelations like "clive owen is the coolest guy in the movies" and "clive owen is sexy." That's funny, because when we put him through Googlism, we got revelations like "clive owen is sharman" and "clive owen is miscast" and "clive owen is a convicted murderer who is transferred to a prison where inmates in an experimental program are encouraged to learn a trade."

Perhaps it was a different Clive Owen.

Page 106: Martha Stewart is "back and looking better than ever" after "making the best of a bad thing." Prison -- it's the new stomach stapling!

Page 127: Elizabeth Smart, we are glad you've resumed playing the harp. But for the love of all that is holy, stay away from People magazine for the rest of your natural life. These people mean you harm.

Page 143:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Miss Eva Longoria, now starring in her one-woman show, Fuck You, Marcia Cross.

Page 149: Jesse Metcalfe, also hot. Boy, that Desperate Housewives is really promising. If only someone would watch that show.

Page 151: Okay, Sandra Oh is actually hot.

Page 170: Welcome to the section titled "Beauties Around the World." In this section, we'll be taking a whirlwind tour of the globe, stopping at such exotic destinations as China, the UK, Colombia, and China. We'll show you what the world has to offer in the export market of hotness. Or, at least, those countries in the world that have sired women you're already familiar with and/or have been nominated for Oscars. Okay, there are only three of them. Sorry, but America's just too hot! No room, rest of world! Now buckle your seatbelts, because we're going on our crazy trip to China, the UK, Colombia, China, and the UK! Here we go! Wheee!

Page 179: Here's a section titled "I Feel Most Beatiful When..." headlined by Teri Hatcher. She says she feels most beautiful when...she gets fucked over in favour of Eva Longoria. Oh, wait. She misunderstood. She thought you said, "vengeful."

Wow. Well, that's it. We can't believe another year is over so soon! So much hotness in so few pages. It's great to know that not even prison, rampant catfighting, or public marital infidelity can dull the beauty of our favourite stars.

Until next year, please enjoy the 50 Most Beautiful issue, which will continue to bring you Hollywood's hottest faces, at least until Brad and Angelina reproduce, and their terrible, beautiful child devours all these hot people, and then eats our eyes.

See ya!