You know, naysayers are always fixating on all the bad things about unchecked population growth, like increasing drains on natural resources, the spread of disease in densely populated areas that are underserved by public health, or that whole thing in China with all the girls no one wants. But, hello, what about the good things?! Like the fact that the growth of the human population on Earth has meant that, in order to feature a representative percentage of the most attractive humans on it, People has had to double the size of its "Most Beautiful People" issue. Last year? But fifty. This year? ONE HUNDRED, MOTHERFUCKERS! Take a few moments (twice as many moments as you needed last year) to prepare for all the pulchritude that's about to be arrayed before you. Ready? Let's do this thing.

On the cover: Ms. Angelina Jolie. Eh, she's all right. We like her a lot better now that she's decided that she's going to be a mommy and a UN goodwill ambassador and therefore needs a softer eyebrow, because in the past, we sometimes thought she was either hatching a plan to stab us in our sleep, or suffering from a migraine. The cover also promises to enlighten us about Heather Locklear's "SHOCK" as "Richie Dates Denise," and although we haven't opened the issue yet, let us state for the record that we will have to call bullshit if any of the their asses is among the chosen hundred. Also worming her way onto the cover: Carnie Wilson, who's chosen this particular week to tell us about "Her Battles With Food & Alcohol." You guys, she's not being opportunistic. She just wanted us to know! (Psst. Carn. You weighed three hundred pounds and then broadcast your gastric bypass operation on the internet. More Americans know about your battle with food than have ever heard of the Battle of Antietam.)

Page 13: What a difference a year makes. Accompanying a paparazzi shot of last year's "Beautiful" cover girl, Julia Roberts, a caption reads, "Two days after her Broadway debut in the drama Three Days of Rain, running-talking multi-tasker Julia Roberts shows she's too busy to worry about poor notices from critics." Meow! People: dishing out insults disguised as compliments, just like your mom.

Page 28: "BODY BY JAKE." A page full of pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal, exercising. We've seen subtler hints that Gyllenhaal rival Tobey Maguire may be slacking off by comparison, but...seriously, dude, get it together.

Page 66: How embarrassing! We seem to have stumbled upon Angelina Jolie as she lies sexily prostrate in bed, apparently waiting for her lover! Sorry! We thought this was the bathroom! ...But seriously, we'd hit that.

Page 70: Pitt, Jolie, their two already-born children, and the one still chilling in its mother's probably gorgeous uterus are the "World's Most Beautiful Family." And...obviously. But is it really necessary to name an entire family most beautiful? Don't we all have enough societal pressure to try to live up to the beauty presented to us by the individuals in this issue -- now we have to involve our partners and offspring in our impossible pursuit of world-class attractiveness? Apparently we do. So please tell your husband to shave and do up his pants.

Page 76: "Face analyst" Angi Ma Wong tells us what she can glean from the facial features of the stars. For instance, the broad base on his nose is how you can tell Jamie Foxx "enjoys material things." That, and the fact that he was in Stealth.

Page 87: Apparently, the "Best Smile" is the one that's joyless, vapid, and dead-eyed. Thanks, Jessica Simpson, for modelling it.

Page 89: Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington is not a fan of the scruffy beard: "What woman in her right mind wants to be stuck by a dude with a bunch of bristly hairs? I don't care how cute he is."

Page 95: Grey's Anatomy star Patrick Dempsey on his scruffy beard: "I hate shaving. It's much easier to just do a little stubble." Oooooooooh! Now Washington's complaint doesn't seem like such a non sequitur. Jealous much, Burke?

Page 98-99: Double-page Nikon ad spread featuring a naked Kate Moss. Just wanted you to know what it was when that one crank in Kansas writes in to complain that seeing a degenerate drug addict in the middle of all the beautiful people ruined the whole issue for her.

Page 110: "My whole left side is my worst feature. I always try to turn around so people don't face my left side." Ryan Seacrest is the new Barbra Streisand.

Page 130: Aw, Jenna Fischer loves her kitty. And she's not a douche about it, like Jewel and her horse.

Page 152: Carlos Beltran, no one wants to see your erect nipples.

Page 160: We understand that genetics is a complex science, but we still bet Alexa Ray Joel curses it for giving her 3% of Christie Brinkley's DNA and 97% of Billy Joel's. Goodnight, Saigon.

Page 166: So Heather Locklear did make the list. I guess we know whose side People's taking. Too bad, Denise.

Page 170: Nicole Kidman looks demented. She's got the mean eyebrows of the Angelina Jolie of yesteryear, the crazy-ass fake lips of Meg Ryan, and the flossy hair of a creepy Victorian doll. But gosh, her forehead sure is unlined. How does she do it?

Page 173: Kirstie Alley has made herself a dress out of my mother's childhood bedspread.

Page 179: Mariska Hargitay's boobs have their own Congressman.

Page 186: "Beauty At Every Age." The representative for age thirty-one? Kimora Lee Simmons. And here I thought I'd end the portfolio feeling bad about myself! Instead, I think I'll go find a mirror and admire my un-sausage-y neck.