1: Well, we've got a big task ahead of us, gentlemen: we've got to find the sexiest woman living on the planet Earth. That's a lot of women. Of course, most are dogs. But still, we've got millions to go through.

2: Before we start, are we narrowing our scope too much? Should we be including sexy dead women, too?

3: Such as...?

2: Natalie Wood was pretty hot.

1: But do you mean hot now or hot when she was alive?

2: I don't know. I haven't seen her recently.

4: Catherine the Great.

1: Let's just stick to women who are alive. That's going to be complicated enough. Do we have the reports in from our global operatives?

5: Yes, they've been coming in this week.

1: So let's narrow this search. How's Japan looking?

5: Not sexy.

1: Africa?

5: Not really doing it for us.

1: Continental Europe?

5: A couple chicks were okay, but no one was totally special.

1: How about Eurasia?

5: Nope.

1: Canada? Australia? The Netherlands?

5: I think we're safe to focus within the United States.

1: Tell me about it! But it's good that we sent out over ten thousand international operatives to scour the globe, just in case. Even so, within America, that's still a lot of living women, many of whom are presumably sexy. In fact, I saw one in the elevator the other day.

2: I know her! I'd totally tap that!

4: Did tap it.

1: Nice! Bring in the photos tomorrow. But there's no way she's the sexiest woman alive.

3: Well, we've run the numbers and I have this computer analysis which reveals that, not surprisingly, there's a 96.5 percent probability that our sexiest woman alive is someone already famous.

2: Sure. The sexy rises to the top, right?

1: Hell, yes. Still, that's a lot of women. There's got to be dozens of sexy chicks on The WB alone. Like what's her name, on that one show?

5: I'd totally tap that.

4: Tapped it. Tapped out, bro.

1: Sweet! Bring the video on Monday.

3: The more surprising statistic, however, is that there's an 86% probability that the sexiest woman alive is also appearing in a movie being released the same month as our issue.

1: Bingo! Now we're talking. What a happy coincidence! So we just have to figure out who has movies coming out that month.

4: Well, we've got Charlize Theron in North Country. She's pretty hot.

2: Sexiest alive, though? I don't even think she's sexier than Angelina Jolie. Or what's her name from that one show.

4: I interviewed Jolie. She totally wanted me to tap that.

2: Did you?

4: No way, bro. Ethics.

3: Wait. Are there any chicks in Doom?

5: Is is possible -- and I'm just blue-skying here -- but is it at all possible that The Rock is the sexiest woman alive?

1: I like the approach, but not the result. Who else do we have?

2: What about Elizabethtown? That's a big deal movie. Cameron Crowe directing. And it stars that hot, willowy, dewy-lipped blonde.

3: Orlando Bloom?

2: No, the other one. Kirsten Dunst.

1, 3, 4 and 5: Hmmm, yes, her, Dunst, we see.

4: But is she really sexy, per se?

1: Well, I would, maybe, you know, "do it" with her. I think.

3: She's cute. You know. In her way.

5: Yeah, if we were stuck somewhere...you know, in a car. That wouldn't start. It's wintertime.You know. We have to make love to generate heat to survive, then...yeah, I'd tap that. I think.

2: Sure.

5: We're alone in the car, right? It's not, like, a whole bunch of people?

1: This is a bit of a dilemma. I think Elizabethtown is our film, but I'm not feeling the Dunst vibe. I got to say, she leaves me a little cold.

2, 3, 4 and 5: Wow! Yes! Me too! I'm glad you said it! Totally! Not sure why!

4: I'll tell you what, though. I'd totally tap Judy Greer!

1, 2, 3 and 5: Yeah! Sure! Tap it! All right!

1: I don't know, guys. This is a lot of pressure. I don't think we're getting it quite right. Maybe we should go back over Japan one more time.

3: Wait. What's, like, the sexiest thing you can think of? What totally drives you wild?

1, 2, 4 and 5: Young chicks, young hot chicks, barely legal chicks, young totally hot illegal-to-have-sex-with-in-most-states chicks...

3: Exactly! That's got to be our approach. Remember how hot it was to watch those young hot Olsen twins all those years, when they were all hot and young, so they had that forbidden fruit vibe to them, so you knew you couldn't even tap that legally for, like, eight years...? I mean, two years?

1, 2, 4 and 5: Two years, sure, sixteen, hot, ten too young, sure...

1: I see where you're going! To find our sexiest woman alive, we have to look backwards. The question isn't who's the sexiest woman alive now, but was the sexiest girl alive a few years ago?

3: I got your answer right here! Dakota Fanning, bitches! Yee-haw!

4: No, you idiot. She's our Sexiest Woman Alive in 2013. Oh, imagine the pent-up frustration...sexy!

1: Well, let's narrow this down. What else is sexy?

5: Virgin chicks. Totally. Young hot virginy chicks who don't want to give it up, plus it's totally illegal.

1: Exactly. So who was that, like, about five years ago?

4: I got it! That chick from that Christian show!

2: Yes! The one who took off her clothes in that magazine when she was only, like, seventeen! Hot!

3: She's totally virginy plus hot, plus she's old enough now that we can trumpet our total hot lust for her that we've been harboring since she was a kid and not get in trouble!

1: Gentlemen, I think we've found our sexiest woman alive.

3: Orlando Bloom?

1: No: Jessica What's Her Name.

4: Hot young virginy former teen star who's in a movie this month. I think that covers it.

2: Call off the Japanese operatives.

1: Gentlemen, it was a difficult task we set for ourselves -- to find the Sexiest Woman Alive. But we did it. And I think once again we've established to our readers that we are a bastion of maturity, integrity, and sophistication.

5: And totally hot formerly virginy chicks in movies this month. One-stop shopping, bro!

3: Plus, it would be totally hot if you could kind of see her nipple in one of the photos.

1, 2, 4 and 5: Oh, totally! Nip slip!

5: In fact, will you all excuse me?