1: Hi everyone. Welcome back. As you know, the purpose of this meeting is to come up with the Sexiest Woman Alive for '06.

2: Wait! What? Jessica Biel is dead?!

1: No, she's still alive.

2: Wait! What? So isn't she still then by definition the Sexiest Woman Alive!?

3: No.

2: I don't get it. Did we make a mistake!?

4: No -- look. Upon further consideration, it's occurred to us that there may well be a sexier woman than Jessica Biel currently alive on the planet Earth.

1: Ask yourself this: right now, given the wisdom of hindsight, would you still want to hit that?

2, 3, 4 and 5: True, you're right, possibly not, maybe blindfolded, my desire to hit that has diminished somewhat, etc.

3: Although I'd sure like to use my hindsight to look at her! If you get my meaning! I'd like to "sight" her "hind"! Quarters, that is!

1: Yes, I think we'd all like to sight her hind quarters. That's a given. But she may not still be the Sexiest Woman Alive -- she may merely be one of the Sexier Women Alive. So that means we have to start all over again.

5: Jessica Alba!

2, 3 and 4: Right, of course, done, good choice, very hittable, consensus-opinion hottest woman alive, done, what's for lunch, etc.

1: I don't know.

2: Wait! What? Everyone agrees she's the hottest woman alive!

1: Look, I'm not debating that the Sexiest Woman Alive will once again be from North America. Nor that she'll once again be a white or ethnically non-threatening twentysomething starlet. Nor that she'll once again be someone who also, by happy coincidence, is promoting a movie opening the same month as our issue. But I do find that Jessica Alba is a wee bit overexposed, which has ever so slightly affected my desire to hit that.

3: I wish she was a little more overexposed! If you get my meaning! And not just her wee bit! By which I mean, I wish her hind quarters were exposed! Overly!

1: Good point. But let's expand our thinking here. Let's really think outside the box.

3: I'd like to think inside the box! If you see where I'm coming from! By which I mean, inside her box!

1: Whose box?

3: You know -- who ever it is that we pick as the Sexiest Woman Alive. Hers is the box inside which I would like to think.

1: Gotcha. But I need fresh ideas, people! News makers!

4: How about Katie Couric? Those are some gams!

5: Eww! What is she? Like, eighty? How can you even think of hitting that? She's old enough to be your wife or life partner!

1: Yes, let's keep this conversation limited to women who came to prominence when they were below the legal age of sexual consent in most states. Also, as you know, we endured some ridicule last year for picking Jessica Biel, so we might want to go with a more obvious choice.

5: Jessica Alba!

1: I thought we already established my slightly diminished desire to hit that.

4: You know, they have pills for that now. If you're suffering from a slightly diminished desire to hit that.

1: I don't mean a generally slightly diminished desire, I mean a slightly diminished desire vis à vis Jessica Alba.

4: I'm just saying. They have pills. They advertise them in the back of our magazine.

1: Yes! I get it! But trust me, if there's one thing I don't suffer from, it's a slightly diminished generalized desire to hit that! I'm hitting that all the time! I'm hitting it morning, noon, and night! I hit that on my way to this meeting! In fact, I'm hitting that right now!

2, 3, 4 and 5: Sweet! Dude! That's impressive! We never would have guessed from the timbre of your voice that you're currently hitting that! When you are done hitting whatever it is that you're currently hitting, I wouldn't mind a chance to hit that, etc.

5: Well, if we want to go really obvious, how about Angelina Jolie?

2: Eww! Dude, what is she? Thirty? She's old enough to be your decade-and-a-half-younger mistress! Gross!

5: Still, I would tap that. Tap it like a tree.

3: Sure enough!

5: Tap it like a morse-code operator.

4: Zing!

5: Tap it like Savion Glover.

3: I'd like to Glover! If you get my meaning!

4: You'd like to put gloves on her?

3: Hell to the yes, bra! Fur-lined gloves! They'd be delightful!

4: Wow.

1: How about just as obvious, but younger.

4: Scarlett Johansson?

1: You mean the chick from Gone With The Wind? Dude, she's not even real.

2: Though I would tap that. Tara-style!

4: That's Scarlett O'Hara. I said Scarlett Johansson.

1: You mean the deadly olde-tyme disease? I don't think I would tap that. Maybe if it was, like, the Civil War, and there were only dudes around. With one leg. Then I might tap a deadly disease.

4: That's Scarlet Fever. I said Scarlett Johansson.

1: You mean the former New York Doll? The guy who sang "Hot, Hot, Hot"?

4: That's David Johansen, also known as Buster Poindexter.

3: I'd Buster Poindexter! If you --

1: Yes, we get your meaning. You would have sex with Buster Poindexter.

3: Yes, I would. In a pinch. I'm not proud of it, but I would.

4: I said Scarlett Johansson. From Lost In Translation. Also, The Island.

1: Oh, yeah! Sure! She's very tappable. And hittable. I would like to hit that, then tap it afterward. Then hit it while tapping it.

2, 3, 4 and 5: I agree! Hello! Tap it, hit it, tap it again! Etc.

1: Yeah, I'd say she's a safe choice. Not only for her extreme tappability, but also because she's just overexposed enough that, by this time next year, we'll all be suffering from a slightly diminished desire to tap that.

2, 3, 4 and 5: True, yes, agreed, I'm already feeling my desire to tap that diminish ever so slightly, does anyone have the pills? etc.

1: All right! Done! Well, fellows, let's see if America is ready for this jelly!

2, 3, 4 and 5: Wahoo!

1: And by jelly, I mean the substance that oozes from the nether regions of the Esquire editorial staff as they collectively contemplate the tapping of, and subsequent and/or concurrent hitting of, the various candidates for Sexiest Woman Alive!

4: That is some royal jelly.

3: Drink of it, and you shall surely live forever.

5: And/or the various candidates for Sexiest Man Alive! Right? Are you with me?

1, 2, 3 and 4: [silence]

5: No?

1, 2, 3 and 4: [silence]

5: Psych! Just kidding -- you fags!

1, 2, 3 and 4: Nice one, sweet, you got us, good one, you deserve to be strapped down and tapped repeatedly and forcibly by a musky man, etc.

5: Ha! And whichever one of you mentioned the strapping down and forcible tapping should come by my office this afternoon. With honey.

1: Agreed!