Traditionally, fall is the season that's back-loaded with prestige: big-name directors, epic projects, star-jammed casts. And this year offers its share of intriguing films, from Martin Scorsese's The Departed to Robert De Niro's The Good Shepherd.

Which is nice, because just like a cobblestone road, there's a lot of shit in among those bricks. Usually, we have trouble cobbling together ten bad-looking films in the fall. (Summer: easy. Fall: hard.) This year, pretentious dribble from Darren Aronofsky and Robin Williams playing Jon Stewart (say whaa?) didn't even make the list! (They're in the top fifteen, for sure.)

Instead, we've got Wilmer Valderrama in Fast Food Nation ("No, McDonald's -- yo mamma); Elijah Wood somewhere in the orbit of Bobby Kennedy; and another Rocky movie. No, seriously. They made another one. Really. No, it's not a cartoon.

So empty your bellies and ready your bibs, because this is an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord of inessentiality. Sidle up and chow down.

10. The Return

Release Date: November 17
The Plot: Sarah Michelle Gellar stars in a spooky thriller about a woman haunted by murder. (PS Totally not like The Grudge.)
The Pitch: If you loved her in The Grudge, you'll love her in The Return!(PS Totally not like The Grudge.)
Why It's Inessential: "Hi, Studio? It's me, Sarah Michelle. Yeah, I'm going to have to pass on The Grudge 2, because I'd really like to branch out in other directions and I don't want to get pigeonholed. I'd hate for people to think I'm only about young women haunted by little girls, when I'm also about less-young women haunted by past murders. So, sorry. But maybe you can get another chick from TV. Trust me, there's lots of us. Thanks."

9. Haven

Release Date: September 15
The Plot: It's rough and tumble action and high-paced romance with your favorite action hero...er, Orlando Bloom.
The Pitch: "This fall, action has a new name. And that name is Orlando."
Why It's Inessential: Just yesterday, he was prancing about in pointy ears in one of the most lucrative film franchises in history. Then he was prancing about with rounded ears in that Cameron Crowe movie no one saw. Now he's a one-line mention in Entertainment Weekly's "Also Playing" section. Oh, Kate Bosworth. Apparently, you only eat fame.

8. Employee Of The Month

Release Date: October 6
The Plot: Hilarity-magnets Dax Shepard and Dane Cook battle it out as two loser employees at a big-box store.
The Pitch: Whoa, dude -- can you say "counter-programming"? When everyone else is out watching Marie Antoinette or The Departed, why not get stoned and catch this yuk-fest?
Why It's Inessential: Or better yet, just get stoned.

7. Fast Food Nation

Release Date: October 20
The Plot: Wilmer Valderrama stars in a fictionalized tale of an immigrant family caught in the grinding gears of slaughterhouses and the fast-food industry.
The Pitch: It's Wilmer Valderrama as you've never seen him before -- covered in viscera.
Why It's Inessential: A Fast Food Nation film? Great! A fictionalized version? Okay! Starring Wilmer Valderrama? No thanks!

6.5. Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause

Release Date: November 3
The Plot: Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Clause, back to collect another check.
The Pitch: Ho ho ho? More like ha ha ha!
Why It's Inessential: If we keep celebrating Christmas, they'll keep releasing this crap. But speaking of the season of miracles, this isn't even the least essential Christmas-themed movie of the year...

6. Deck The Halls

Release Date: November 22
The Plot: Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito star as neighbors battling over Christmas decorations.
The Pitch: The most promising comedy combo since Billy Baldwin and Cindy Crawford.
Why It's Inessential: Standard-issue dueling-neighbor Christmas film x (Danny DeVito + Matthew Broderick) = reason suicides go up at Christmastime.

5. The Black Dahlia

Release Date: September 15
The Plot: Josh Hartnett and Hilary Swank star in the deep-noir tale of Hollywood's most notorious murder.
The Pitch: It's Hilary Swank as you've never seen her before -- playing a woman.
Why It's Inessential: What could be better than a '40s-era noir film starring a guy who looks like a boy and a woman who looks like a man? How about all that, plus hackmaster general Brian DePalma! Sold? We thought so!

4. A Good Year

Release Dates: November 10
The Plot: Russell Crowe plays a workaholic banker who inherits a vineyard in Provence.
The Pitch: It's Under The Tuscan Sun...for dudes!
Why It's Inessential: You mean, besides the fact that the pitch is "It's Under the Tuscan Sun for dudes"? Well, we certainly can't imagine anyone better to play a carefree wine-maker than cuddly, easy-to-relate-to Russell Crowe. Which is great, because there's nothing we love more than a Quit the Rat Race and Rediscover What Really Matters movie from those notoriously well-balanced, non-workaholic, perfectly centered folks in Hollywood.

3. The Wicker Man

Release Date: September 1
The Plot: Apparently, it involves Nicolas Cage as a former cop...or firefighter...who can't save a little girl...who then goes to an island...where they burn up a big, wicker man...or something...with Ellen Burstyn. Or maybe he's stranded at Burning Man.
The Pitch: "From the director of Nurse Betty and the star of Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood comes the scariest movie of the season...."
Why It's Inessential: Because Ellen Burstyn is not scary. Because Neil LaBute hasn't made a good movie since his first one. Because Nicolas Cage's hair still doesn't look real.

2. Bobby

Release Date: November 22
The Plot: The life and death of the second most glamorous Kennedy. Wait -- hold that. Third most. Actually, fourth most. In the top ten, for sure.
The Pitch: "Relive the night that Bobby didn't."
Why It's Inessential: No, it's not just because the supporting cast (Lindsay Lohan, Demi Moore, Sharon Stone, Heather Graham) sounds like the answer to a trivia question on a game show called What the Fuck?!? It's because the director is...wait for it...we shit you not...girl, you know it's true...Emilio Estevez. Sweet.

1.5. Rocky Balboa

Release Date: December 22
The Plot: Rocky's back for one last fight.
The Pitch: Watch a sixty-year-old dude pretend to beat up an actual boxer.
Why It's Inessential: Doesn't "another Rocky sequel" sound like a joke about inessentiality? Wasn't the whole idea of another Rocky film, and Rocky being really old and still fighting, a staple of Jay Leno monologues in, like, 1989? Don't you expect that if you Googled the word "inessential," this film's IMDb listing would come up? Another Rocky film is so intrinsically inessential that it's impossible to imagine a more inessential film. Or, at least, it was until a few weeks ago...

1. Apocalypto

Release Date: December 8
The Plot: Love and intrigue among 15th-century Mayans. In the language of 15th-century Mayans.
The Pitch: "If you liked The Passion Of The Christ, you'll...have pretty much no reason to see this. We can't think of any, anyway, except an unhealthy fealty to Mel Gibson."
Why It's Inessential: If you thought Tom Cruise's publicity tour for War Of The Worlds was "unorthodox," check out this, sugar tits. At least we'll finally find out what the Yucatec Maya word is for "global Zionist conspiracy."