Every year, the networks trot out a raft of new shows, hoping that a few of them, maybe, can gain toeholds as "appointment TV." The sad fact is that most of them won't. Here, we present our list of the ten shows least likely to win over the hearts and minds of the TV-watching public:

10. The Brotherhood of Poland, New Hampshire

Premiere Date: September 24
The Premise: Three fat, balding brothers who used to be good hockey players go to seed in in the sticks.
The Pitch: All the folksy, small-town charm of Northern Exposure, plus the insultingly sensationalistic plotlines you've come to expect from David E. Kelley.
Why It's Inessential: Series star Randy Quaid informs us, "There's every reason in the world why this show should flop." He probably said some other things after that, but that was our cue to stop paying attention. Guaranteed flop? Got it. Besides which, the show may boast a Quaid, a Penn, and a Cusack...but they're none of the Quaids, Penns, or Cusacks you like.

9. Cold Case

Premiere Date: September 28
The Premise: A jaded yet elfin cop solves long-unsolved murders.
The Pitch: It's a cop show, except about crimes that people stopped caring about a long time ago.
Why It's Inessential: We were totally with Jerry Bruckheimer as a cop-show producer when his only scripted show on the air was C.S.I. Then came Without a Trace, which was also fine. But Cold Case looks, feels, and smells exactly like both of them, and thus reads as a cynical bid to achieve cop-show-producing parity with Dick "Law and Order" Wolf -- and there are really only so many headlines to go around from which plotlines can be ripped. Furthermore, C.S.I. has William Petersen and Without a Trace has Anthony LaPaglia -- towering acting talents, the both of them. And Cold Case has...Kathryn Morris? That cutesy little FBI agent from The Contender? She's gravitas-impaired, so...pass.

8. Coupling

Premiere Date: September 25
The Premise: Six New York singletons fool around with each other, a lot.
The Pitch: It's a ripoff of that British show that rips off Friends.
Why It's Inessential: Someone once said that the U.S. and the U.K. are two countries divided by a common language. This is particularly true in the case of Coupling; all of the charm of the British version apparently resided in the stars' lovely accents. Coupling is meant to be the methadone that helps us kick the heroin that is Friends, but as long as Friends is airing in syndication several times daily, let's just stay junkies.

7. Two And A Half Men

Premiere Date: September 22
The Premise: A froglike man-child (Jon Cryer) and his actual child (some kid) move in with the frog's defiantly single brother (Charlie Sheen) when his marriage breaks up.
The Pitch: You loved them in their respective failed sitcom vehicles; now love them together in their new shared sitcom vehicle that is sure to be a giant hit!
Why It's Inessential: We appreciate the fact that, despite his recent marriage and public insistences that he's a born-again Christian, Charlie Sheen isn't trying terribly hard to erase our collective memory of his bad-boy image. Not that there's that much bad-boy cred in starring opposite some kid in a CBS Monday-night sitcom, but still -- at least he's playing the single guy and not the inept, annoying father. However, our respect for Sheen's choices aside, there's just no reason for this show to exist. If you really need a Jon Cryer fix, rent Pretty in Pink. But you don't. Because no one has ever needed a Jon Cryer fix, including his mom.

6. Steve Harvey's Big Time

Premiere Date: September 11
The Premise: Steve Harvey is your MC on a tour through America's human freaks.
The Pitch: The "Stupid Human Tricks" segment on The Late Show with David Letterman is great, but it would be even better if it went on longer and made you cringe more.
Why It's Inessential: Because we get our fill of human freaks on Fear Factor and The Bachelor.

5. Hope & Faith

Premiere Date: September 26
The Premise: A diva-ish soap-opera star (Kelly Ripa) gets killed off her show and moves in with her sister (Faith Ford) and her family.
The Pitch: "It's about time Faith Ford had another failed sitcom, isn't it? Stick her in that one with Kelly Ripa. They're both blonde."
Why It's Inessential: The show is called Hope & Faith. And one of the lead actors is actually named Faith. But she plays Hope. That's just adding a needless layer of complication to the whole doomed affair. And you know a show is going to be excruciating if Faith Ford is the less annoying high-maintenance blonde on it.

4. Whoopi

Premiere Date: September 9
The Premise: Whoopi Goldberg and a multiculti supporting cast run a hotel.
The Pitch: The Oscars come but once a year! We need our Whoopi year-round!
Why It's Inessential: We really don't need Whoopi year-round. Even the thirty-second promos for this show are enough to make you want to claw your eyes out. Certainly, there are subtle comic points to be made about racial stereotypes -- be they directed at African-Americans, those of Middle Eastern descent, or white people who put on exaggerated "ghetto" affectations -- but America has long since given up expecting Whoopi Goldberg to make comic points, subtle or otherwise.

3. Becker

Premiere Date: October 8
The Premise: A curmudgeonly doctor makes life difficult for everyone around him.
The Pitch: Sure, we've cancelled it, but now that it's lasted long enough to get syndicated, why not just leave it on?
Why It's Inessential: You've been ignoring it for five seasons. There's no reason to stop now.

2. Navy NCIS

Premiere Date: September 23
The Premise: An elite division of the U.S. Navy investigates crimes.
The Pitch: It's C.S.I. meets JAG!
Why It's Inessential: The producers are very anxious to differentiate it from C.S.I. and play up its similarities to JAG, with the military action and all. Sooooo, it's not like the #1 drama on TV, and very like that boring crewcut show your grandma likes.

1. The Mullets

Premiere Date: September 11
The Premise: Loutish hicks have outdated haircuts and behave in socially unacceptable ways.
The Pitch: People with bad haircuts are inferior to us! Let's mock them!
Why It's Inessential: Because if we ever want to watch a show about people with funny haircuts, there's already Meet the Press.

- WC