Of I Spy, it has been said that it's "lazy, slow, shallow, stupid, amateurish, unfunny, unsuspenseful, uninformed, unspeakably dull and witlessly written, directed and acted (the special effects suck, too)." And this from Peter Travers at Rolling Stone! He likes everything!

So where did it all go so terribly wrong? After all, not one, not two, not three, but four professional screenwriters toiled tirelessly on converting a groundbreaking TV show into the latest in a series of smart and sensitive Hollywood updates of classic entertainment. They got Eddie Murphy. They got Owen Wilson. They got Betty Thomas. They got Jay Scherick, the guy who wrote Serving Sara.

To try to root out how this enterprise went awry, Fametracker obtained this exclusive transcript from one of the initial brainstorming sessions by the movie's writers and producers. Perhaps here we can all find, if not answers, then, at least, peace of mind.

1: Okay, so the idea is to remake I Spy.

2: I love it. What's I Spy?

1: That old TV show with Bill Cosby and Robert Culp.

2: Of course. So who's Robert Culp?

1: That guy from The Greatest American Hero.

3: You mean the one who flew? With the hair?

1: No, the other one. The old guy.

3: I loved that guy.

4: Okay. Great. So who's Bill Cosby?

1: Remember? The Cosby Show? Fat Albert? Jell-O pudding pops? Den for Men sweaters? The ol' jism-jasm?

2 & 3 & 4 (together): Yes, yes, of course, love his work, yes, etc.

2: So the idea is to do a remake?

1: Yes.

3: Well, I don't know about you three, but I don't know anything about that original show.

1: That's not important.

2: What's the basic story?

1: They're spies. Get it? "I Spy."

3: That's it? That's pretty thin.

1: Wait. One's black. And one's white.

3: Now we're getting somewhere!

2: That, we can work with.

4: We can get a whole black-white thing going.

2: Kind of an Eddie Murphy-Nick Nolte thing.

3: Or a Danny Glover-Mel Gibson thing.

4: Or a Martin Lawrence-Tim Robbins thing.

1: Exactly!

3: This writes itself!

2: Of course, the black guy has to be sassy.

4: Why sassy?

2: Because blacks are sassy. And sassy blacks are funny. Especially when they're sassing back at some poor, befuddled white dude.

3: Ha ha! Now you're cooking!

4: How sassy should he be?

1: Very sassy.

4: Like, basketball-player sassy?

1: Sassier.

3: Rapper sassy?

1: Too sassy. Too sassy!

3: I'm sorry.

1: Turn down the sass!

3: I'm sorry.

1: I'm being sass-fried!

3: I'm sorry.

1: Thank you.

2: Well, what about the black guy in the original show?

4: You mean Fat Albert?

2: Yeah. What did he do?

3: He was in a jug band or something.

1: No, he was a tennis pro.

4: But tennis players aren't sassy.

3: Arthur Ashe wasn't sassy.

2: Andre Agassi isn't sassy.

1: Andre Agassi isn't black.

2: Exactly!

1: I like the idea of an athlete. A sassy black athlete.

4: How about a boxer?

3: Are boxers sassy?

2: Sure. Make him a sassy boxer. You know, like Muhammad Ali. Always insulting people and shit.

3: "And shit"? Now who sounds like a sassy boxer?

4: Ha! Don't punch me, sassy boxer!

1: Okay, so he's a boxer. A sassy boxer. So what about the white guy?

3: He's befuddled. Definitely befuddled.

4: Can't stand the sass.

2: No way. Black sass -- that will irritate anyone.

3: So they hate each other. Just hate each other. But then they become friends.

2: Best friends.

4: Have a big heart-to-heart.

3: Pour out their feelings.

4: Bond.

1: Too unrealistic. Who bonds with a sassy black boxer? No one will buy it.

3: So we facilitate it. Figure out a premise.

2: Like...they're hit by laughing gas! By the bad guys! They're locked in a prison cell and gassed with laughing gas by terrorists!

1: Too ridiculous.

3: Okay...they're trapped underwater in a sub that's carrying a load of truth serum...and it starts leaking! And they have to eat the truth serum to survive!

1: Too unbelievable.

4: How about...they hide in a sewer and the methane from the human shit makes them loopy.

1: Bingo.

2: I think the methane from this human shit is making me loopy.

1: No, it's perfect. But then what happens?

3: They become best friends!

1: And?

2: They thwart the bad guys!

1: And?

4: Explosions!

1: Done, done, and done. But we need a cast. Who's our black and sassy boxer?

2: Chris Tucker?

1: Too sassy.

3: Bernie Mac?

1: Too black.

2: Chris Rock?

1: He wasn't nearly sassy enough in Bad Company. That's why it flopped.

4: Will Smith?

1: Too big.

3: Eddie Griffin?

1: Too small.

3: Pootie Tang?

1: Not a real person.

3: Omar Epps?

1: Not actually sassy.

2: Omar Sharif?

1: Not actually black.

4: Ice T?

1: No thanks, I'm not thirsty.

2: Ice Cube?

1: No thanks, my tongue is neither hot nor swollen, nor do I have any contusions on my face.

3: That Wayans guy?

1: Which one?

3: Does it matter?

1: Look, we need an Eddie Murphy type. Like, Eddie Murphy from Beverly Hills Cop.

4: What about Eddie Murphy?

1: I like it! Let's lock him in before Pluto Nash and Showtime open, because after those movies hit, his asking price will go through the roof. Okay, so who's our white guy?

4: Can we get Judge Reinhold? Those two are magic together.

1: You know we can't hire Reinhold! Not since the blacklisting!

2 & 3 & 4: Yes, yes, of course, my mistake, of course, I forgot "the blacklisting," slipped my mind, etc.

2: How about Owen Wilson? You know, the guy from The Haunting?

1: Can he do befuddled?

3: Does the Pope dance in circles around a sombrero?

1: Perfect. So what have we got: A black guy. A white guy. They're spies of some sort, and loopy on methane fumes from human shit. And then: Explosions. Well, I think we're done here. [rising to leave] Just think: Pluto Nash, Showtime, and I Spy in one year. For Eddie Murphy, this is going to be like one of those annus horribiluses, only the good version of that.

4: An annus terrificus!

1: That's right. An annus terrificus.

Fin