Gaze, dear Fametracker reader, on the most intimate thoughts of famed director Peter Jackson, as he details the weeks leading up to the Oscar night. But beware: 'Tis not for the weak of heart or the squeamish of gibberish. Now begin!

Dear Diary: Crikey! Finally finished! You know, they marveled at the LOTR trilogy, but this one's gonna blow their booties off! Giant ape! Jack Black! Adrien Brody! Three hours! Super criminy, this thing's gonna be a huge! And I don't just mean the monkey!

We open next week in New York. Today they showed me the sketches for the enormous inflatable ape they're going to blow up in Times Square. Walloping wallabees! It's going to be massive! The movie, that is! And the monkey! Ya got me? Har har!

Are you ready, America? You've seen dinosaurs brought back to life! You've seen men fly! You've seen entire intergalactic empires created from scratch! You've seen Gollum! But have you ever seen a giant monkey? I mean, besides Mighty Joe Young? Well, you haven't seen a giant monkey like this giant monkey. And he's fighting a dinosaur! Eventually!

Dear Diary: The opening was mad, luv! Cold fishy! By which I mean, massive! They loved it! People started leaving during the first hour to go pee because they were so overcome with excitement! Then I think some couldn't find their way back to the theater -- oh, well, their loss! And Brody! Gilkey, he was wallopin' philo!

Three hours plus was perfecto timing. I could have rolled it out to seven and they'd still have been cheering for more! Now we just wait for the weekend records to fall! Oscar, here we come!

You know, diary-o, I've been sizin' up the Oscar competito, and I think it's clear sailing on to mornin'! By which I mean, mornin' luv! By which I mean, allo -- are you the Golden Lady? In my bed? Again? And you brought sixteen o' your friends? Criminy crackers! Ripper!

Dear Diary Okay, weekend receipts a little sluggo. Studio says it's to be expected. They claim this film didn't 'ave the LOTR fanbase to pump up the opening. To which I say, true, but it's got wallopin' Pete Jackson!

Though I have to admit, at the premiere several people didn't recognize me new skinny self, and one guy gave me spare change. No matter! I'll be harving a larf when someone 'ands me an Academy Award! Or five! Or fifteen! Buddy, can you a spare an Oscar?

Dear Diary: Brody fever not sweeping nation as anticipated -- yet! In fact, Kong got thrown on the barbie a wee tassle, if you follow. By which I mean, roasted and toasted. No matter -- word of mouth will be spreading like syphilis among the Orc extras! Remember that? Har! Little touch of the syphilito, Wallace? Hee haw! Presto!

Reviews a little lukey-dukey, too. But Schwarzbaum at EW loved it. Big booster. Got to remember to send her a case of frizzled herring and back-back rumble-tumbles. She'll gobble 'em! Like she does!

Dear Diary: Okee-dookie -- reloading for bear. Kong's more of a sneaker-upper; I get it. But once the awards come in, the crowds'll be there. Bigger than Titanic, innit? Rollicky rockets! Strap 'em and snap 'em! Here we go!

Dear Diary: Minor setback -- Golden Globe noms came out today, and no nod for the Kong-man. Wait -- that can't be right...nope. Ten flippin' films and no space for the King? And what's this Capote? Is that even a word? And has it got a giant monkey? Adrien Brody? Is it three hours? Plus? I don't think so.

No matter. Kong'll topple 'em. Wait 'til the Oscars come round. Academy loves me! And Brody! Both of us! A pair of teeter-wetters, we be!

Dear Diary: Funniest thing. Read me La-La Times this wee morning, and it contained a serious misprint. Only four noms for the Kongster?! Nothing in the majors neither?! Just sound-editing and viz effects and la-di-da and some other, brother?!

Ha! La-La Times, not to be trustito. Luckily, I TiVoed the announcement this morning -- no doubt eggs on faces all round! Or, as we say back home, crop-tops on the willy butters!

Let's see -- how do you work this remote? Ah, yes -- here we be, diary-o. Roll 'em! As I say!

Okey-dokey, smokey! Right...right...right...nothing for Naomi...fair enuff...but here's Best Pictito...as expected...first nom...Capote -- what is that film? Got to get assistant to send over a screener.

Okay, something called Crash, righty-tighty, must be three hours at least.... Got something here called Munich...must have Brody in it.... Hmmm, still waiting for Kong-Dong. Brokeback Mountain...hmmm, I wonder if "brokeback" means the same thing in America as it does back home.... Okay, last but not least, good night and good luck -- why, thank you, but why don't you just read the last nominated film...what?!

Fry my nutellas!

Diary-O! It's true! No love for the Kong-Dong! But I had Brody! I had Jack Black in a funny hat! I had a giant flipping ape! Who fought a dino! Eventually!

Dear Diary:Tonight's the Oscars. Not watchin', natch. Me and Serkis are just gonna stay home and roast up some sing-dings, throw a pamper on the scooter. Couldn't care less about the Oscars, either. Never have. Let the visual arts guys have their night of hee-haws.

I'll have the last laugh when the Kong DVD comes out. Already, fans are asking for it -- one bloke approached me and said he couldn't wait for the disc so he could fast-forward through the first hour and get right to the dino fight. I said, "'Ave some patience, guv'nor." He said, "I already did -- once."

Joker! Blimey! Love to put his tenders in me clencher!

Oh -- show's startin', somehow left on the telly box. Maybe catch a wee bit.

I know -- every time they say "And the winner is..." I'll get Serkis to yell "KONG!" louder than the telly!

Serkis --- get over here! Put down your wobtob and mop up that spididdle! I've got another job for you! Criminy blitzkins! It'll be massive! And I don't just mean the ape!