Today is not a good day to be Kevin Costner. Or Kurt Russell. Or Christian Slater, or Ice-T, or Howie Long, or Courteney Cox (formerly Courteney Cox Arquette), or anyone else associated with 3000 Miles to Graceland, a movie that has generated some of the most bile-filled reviews in recent memory. The Portland Oregonian says, "3000 Miles to Graceland shouldn't be reviewed in an arts section, but rather in that portion of the newspaper dedicated to atrocities, environmental disasters and hate crimes." The Globe and Mail says, "Remarkably bad, burdened with a tone of self-congratulatory stupidity and the rancid smell of middle-aged star vanity." The Washington Post calls it, "Vile, vicious and violent. Oh, and incoherent and stupid. A mess. A mean-spirited, completely worthless film that can never give back the two hours it seizes from you."

Neither a bulletproof premise (a gang of thieves dress as Elvis -- fat Elvis! -- and rob a casino) nor a star-studded cast (Costner! Russell! Slater! Ice-T! Lovitz! Er...Long!) could save this movie from total self-immolation. How could it have all gone wrong? To find out, Fametracker obtained this exclusive, behind-the-scenes transcript from the casting office of Warner Bros. We only hope this will shed some light on this confusing aberration.

1: All right, gentleman, what we've got here is a rare commodity. It's the kind of movie that can both make a difference and make a bundle. It's a movie about a gang of thieves who all dress as Elvis and rob a casino. Think Ocean's Eleven meets Honeymoon in Vegas.

2: Hilarious!

3: Groundbreaking!

1: You're both right. Now we need to put together the kind of cast that's really going to make this premise sing. Now, it's an ensemble film, and I'm thinking big names across the board. You know, Altmanesque. Like Short Cuts.

2: Or Ready to Wear.

3: Or St. Elmo's Fire.

1: Exactly. Star power. if I've learned one thing in my time, it's that putting together the perfect cast is like putting together a puzzle; once you assemble the right pieces, you'll make yourself one hell of a pretty picture. So let's get started. First, we need a male star to anchor it. Someone big, as in over-the-title big. But who also has several huge flops under his belt.

2: Brad Pitt?

1: Too big, not enough flops.

3: Sylvester Stallone?

1: Big enough, too many flops.

2: Bill Pullman?

1: Not big enough, not enough flops, too arty.

2: Johnny Depp?

1: Big enough, not enough flops, too skinny.

2: Bill Paxton?

1: You said him already.

3: Kevin Costner?

1: Wait a second. He's big...he flops...he's it! Now we're rolling. Okay, we need a sidekick. Someone big, but not as big as Costner. A definite B-list guy.

2: Jeff Daniels?

1: Too goofy.

3: Dennis Quaid?

1: Too puffy.

2: Puffy Combs?

1: Too Quaidy. Think, people, think!

2: Bill Campbell?

1: You said him already.

3: Kurt Russell?

1: Nice! Big, but not too big. Flops, but not too many flops. That way he's neither bigger nor has more flops than our main guy, Kevin Costner. Okay, we're getting there. We need a third guy, a kind of sidekick-to-the-sidekick -- someone who used to be big, has had a lot of flops, and disappeared for awhile due to substance-abuse problems.

3: Kirk Cameron?

1: Big enough, not enough flops, not enough substance abuse.

2: Mickey Rourke?

1: Not big enough, just enough flops, too much substance abuse.

3: Rubén Blades?

1: Not big enough, not enough flops, plays the trumpet.

2: Tito Puente?

1: Not an actor, no flops, is currently dead.

3: Tito Fuentes?

1: Giants first baseman, not an actor, can't hit a curveball.

3: Christian Slater?

1: Bingo! Okay, we're almost there. But we need to spice up the mix. To reach out that that "urban" audience. We need a black guy.

2: Bokeem Woodbine?

1: Whozzah wuzzah?

2: Bokeem Woodbine. He's black.

1: Then he's are man. Okay: let's recap. We've got the big star with lots of flops, the B-list sidekick, the sidekick's sidekick with the substance-abuse problems, and a black guy.

3: Sounds like a hit to me.

1: We're still missing something.

2: A rugby player?

1: No...

3: A soccer player?

1: No...

2: A football player?

1: Yes! Here's what I'm thinking: Howie Long.

2: Howie Long what?

1: Howie Long we gonna spend making this decision?

2 & 3: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

1: Oh, that's rich. Okay, Howie Long it is. Now we need a "really annoying discount-long-distance pitchman from a famous Hollywood family" type.

2: Does Gilbert Gottfried qualify?

1: Yes, no, and no.

3: Arsenio Hall?

1: Yes, yes, and no.

2: David Arquette?

1: Yes, yes, and yes! And let's see if we can get his wife cheap, as a two-fer. Because nothing spells hit like Arquette + Arquette. Okay, just a few more roles to cast. The talented comedian with the bad career sense who'll do anything for a buck?

2: Jon Lovitz!

1: Sold! The talented character actor with the bad career sense but the good pedigree who can be got on the cheap?

3: Kevin Pollak!

1: Bulls-eye! A long-forgotten sitcom sidekick with his own failed spin-off, the co-star of which has gone on to fame and fortune while he's disappeared into obscurity?

3: Thomas Haden Church!

1: You sunk my battleship! Gentlemen, I think we have ourselves a cast. We've got a big star with lots of flops; a B-list sidekick; a star who used to be big, has had a lot of flops, and disappeared due to substance-abuse problems; a football player; a really annoying discount-long-distance pitchman from a famous Hollywood family; a sitcom star; a talented comedian with bad career sense who'll do anything for a buck; a talented character actor who can be got on the cheap; and a long-forgotten sitcom sidekick with his own failed spin-off, the co-star of which has gone on to fame and fortune while he's disappeared into obscurity.

2: And a black guy.

1: And a black guy. Gentleman, I think we have ourselves a winner--wait a second!

3: What is it?

1 & 2 & 3: We forgot the rapper! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

1: Get Ice-T on the horn, and we've got ourselves a movie. Gentlemen, that's a "rap."

2 & 3: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Fin