Though we at Fametracker are constitutionally -- nay, genetically -- opposed to people who talk in movie theatres, we were intrigued by the following news item, posted recently at imdb.com:

"Hollywood superstar Demi Moore demonstrated her opposition to American President George W Bush at the premiere of Fahrenheit 9/11 -- by hurling insults at the screen.... One insider reports, 'She was hollering and cheering at the screen and yelling things at Bush.... Maybe she was a little hyper because she was drinking Jolt.' Other big names at the event included Leonardo DiCaprio, Chris Rock, Matthew Perry, Billy Crystal and Sharon Stone [entirely sic]."

Frankly, we never thought of Demi Moore -- whose movie career was recently resuscitated, until it wasn't -- as a Jolt-fueled proponent of daring civil disobedience. Shouting insults -- at the screen! And not caring who hears them -- not even Leo DiCaprio!

As usual, however, only Fametracker can give you this rest of the story. Our crack team of investigators compiled the following exact transcript of the evening's events from, er, earwitness reports:

Demi Moore: [unintelligible] not to put that there, Ashton!

Ashton Kutcher: Sorry, Demi.

DM: Did you just call me "Mommy"?

AK: Demi. Demi.

DM: It's De-MEE. De-MEE. Can't anybody get that right? Oh, look, the movie's starting.

AK: This is going to be awesome.

Wilmer Valderrama: I'm so excited!

DM: Zip it! [to Kutcher] Seriously, you have to stop bringing him everywhere.

AK: I didn't exactly bring him.

Billy Crystal: Shhhhhhhh!

DM: Ha! Look at Bush! What a jerk!

AK: Yeah!

DM: BUSH! YOU JERK!

AK: Demi, quiet down.

DM: What did you just say?

AK: It's just -- people are trying --

DM: I'm sorry? What? Baby say what? Baby say -- oh, look! There he is again. HA! Bush! YOU SUCK! YOU JERK!

BC: Shhhhhh!

DM: Hey, George W. Bush! What does the "W." stand for? "Jerk"?

AK: More like "work"! Ha! As in, he doesn't do any.

DM: What?

AK: Sorry.

DM: Did you say something?

AK: Sorry.

DM: Did I just miss baby's first words?

AK: Sorry.

DM: Goddamn, I -- oh, look at that! Ha! Look at that! He's swinging a golf club! More like a jerk club!

AK: Ha!

DM: JOIN THE CLUB, JERK!

Leonardo DiCaprio: [to Crystal] Boy, she's annoying.

BC: I think she's all hopped up on Jolt.

LD: So sad. You know, they call it hillbilly heroin.

Matthew Perry: [to Moore] Excuse me, but we're trying to hear the film.

DM: Go drive your car into a porch, mama's boy.

AK: What?

DM: Not you, mama's boy. Pass me another Jolt.

[sound of can opening]

DM: HA! Look at that jerk! Hey, George Bush! If you were Jamaican food, you'd be jerk chicken! If you were in one of my movies, you'd be in G.I. Jerk!

AK: Yeah! Or Jerktease!

WV: Or The Jerker!

DM: The what?

WV: You know, like The Juror.

AK: No one saw that, you idiot.

DM: What did you say?

AK: Nothing, ma'am.

DM: Did you just call me "Mum"?

AK: No. "Ma'am." Ma'am.

Sharon Stone: Please keep it down!

DM: Why don't you keep this down, beeyotch?

SS: Oh, it is on.

[sound of bone snapping]

WV: Omigod! Sharon Stone just broke my arm!

AK: Ha! Wilbur, you got Stone'd! Ha! Stone'd! Get it?!

DM: Hey Bush! If you were in one of Sharon Stone's movies, you'd be in Basic Jerk-stinct.

AK: More like Ba-sick Jerk-Stink!

DM: Yes -- Moore does like. Good one. Now pass me another Jolt.

AK: Demi, don't you think you've had enough?

DM: PASS ME A JOLT, YOU TRUCKER HAT FLOTATION DEVICE!

[sound of can opening. Sound of glugging.]

DM: WOOOHOOOO! I LOVES THE JOLT!

AK: Demi, please! Rumer's crying.

DM: Oh, yeah? Here's a rumour -- you're [unintelligible].

[sound of quiet sobbing]

WV: [to Kutcher] She didn't mean that.

[sound of bone snapping]

DM: Well, I meant that, bitch.

WV: Aaaaaggh! Omigod! My other arm! My other arm!

AK: Mommy! Please! Stop it!

DM: Did you just call me "Mommy"?

AK: No.

MP: [to Crystal] Come on. This is ridiculous. Let's catch the 10:20 show.

BC: Are you kidding? This is great material for when I host the Oscars!

Chris Rock: You know that should be my gig.

BC: Yes, I know. I know.

[Fin.]