This year, Billy Crystal once again called off his on-again, off-again relationship with the Oscars, thus sparking a nation to wonder: who will be anointed to ferry the billion or so TV viewers through the three-hour-plus journey across the Stygian river that is the Oscar telecast? Speculators floated a handful of usual suspects (Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, Jay Leno) along with some more unlikely, if intriguing, choices (Jim Carrey, Chris Rock, Conan O'Brien) until, eventually, the ferryman's cloak was ceremoniously draped over the unprepossessing shoulders of Mr. Steve Martin.

Of course, it's quite possible that Crystal will be back again next year with his bag of heartwarmingly familiar if somewhat threadbare hosting tricks ("Oscar, Oscar! Oscar, Oscar! Everbody now!") But this year's break in the succession of the Crystal-Goldberg-Crystal hosting dynasty gave new hope to every viewer who's ever screamed at the screen after yet another Bruce Vilanch-penned groaner, "Why don't you just hire [insert one of Chris Rock/Jon Stewart/Conan O'Brien here]!" In this spirit of wishful thinking, Fametracker evaluates the field and handicaps ten Oscar-hosting hopefuls.

Robin Williams

Assets: As a multiple nominee and bona fide Oscar-winner, Williams has Academy cachet out the yin-yang. Also purported to have been, at one time in his career, a practicing comedian.

Liabilities: Average time it takes for Williams's scattershot outbursts and high-larious impressions to grate on nerves: one minute, thirty seconds. Average length of Oscar telecast: roughly three and a half hours.

Long-term Prognosis: Really, folks, it's only a matter of time. As for this year, we may never know how close we came.

Odds to Host: 2 to 1

Jay Leno

Assets: Hosts Johnny Carson's old show. Occupies Johnny Carson's old chair. Sits behind Johnny Carson's old desk. Ergo, must be something like beloved Oscar host of old, Johnny Carson.

Liabilities: Is, in reality, nothing like Johnny Carson.

Long-term Prognosis: Easy to believe that Hollywood mucketymucks approve of his relentless bootlicking. Hard to believe that Hollywood mucketymucks approve of his relentless unfunniness. So the question is: do Hollywood mucketymucks favour bootlicking over talent? Yeah, that's what we thought, too.

Odds: 5 to 2

Whoopi Goldberg

Assets: After past hosting gigs, overnight polling revealed that, while no Americans reported actual laughter, 37% responded favourably to Goldberg's "sassy blackness."

Liabilities: Thunderously unfunny.

Long-Term Prognosis: If they invite you back once, it usually means you're in for life. However, the fact that she got passed over this year doesn't bode well; she, of course, claimed scheduling conflicts -- because, you know, that center square eats up so much of your time.

Odds: 4 to 1

Jim Carrey

Assets: Appearances are consistently among funniest moments on any awards show, and his impromptu Midnight Cowboy parody using the Toy Story puppets a few years back may have been funniest thing on an Oscar telecast in the last decade.

Liabilities: Funniness of appearances often derived from bitterness over perpetual snub by said Oscars, a vein of humour not likely to sustain a three-hour hosting gig.

Long-Term Prognosis: Billy Crystal gave him a personal endorsement this year, which goes long way to upgrading his status to "Maybe," a step up from previous status of "Like hell."

Odds: 7 to 2

Rosie O'Donnell

Assets: Has experience hosting one of the Big Three award shows. Also, could actually be considered funny, assuming Whoopi Goldberg is the yardstick.

Liabilities: Best thing about her Grammy hosting was picking that fight with Whitney Houston, who was too doped up to retaliate. But if she tries that shit with Nicholson she'll get her ass whupped. Also: may throw koosh balls at the audience.

Long-Term Prognosis: Not unlikely enough for our liking. This is the one time we really wish Tom Selleck had more pull in Hollywood.

Odds: 10 to 1

Conan O'Brien

Assets: Actually funny. Also looks quite dapper in a tux.

Liabilities: His television show airs long after Karl Malden and Jack Valenti are tucked into bed.

Long-Term Prognosis: Surprisingly good. Could be simultanesouly viewed as a funnier Jay Leno and a less ornery David Letterman. One obstacle is a lack of national recognition factor, which is where a good high-profile divorce would come in handy.

Odds: 12 to 1

Chris Rock

Assets: In other hosting gigs, has evinced no fear in merciless ribbing celebrities of all stripes, to hilarious effect.

Liabilities: In other hosting gigs, has evinced no fear in merciless ribbing celebrities of all stripes, to hilarious effect.

Long-Term Prognosis: Sigh. We love to love him, baby, but our guess is that you'll see Chris Farley host the Oscars before Mr. Rock.

Odds: 50 to 1

Jon Stewart

Assets: Cachet and legitimacy rose after being named to host the Grammies.

Liabilities: Cachet and legitimacy fell after actually hosting the Grammies.

Long-Term Prognosis: As the Grammies demonstrated, self-deprecation and ironic detachment don't mix well with fuel-injected enthusiasm required of awards-show hosts.

Odds: 3 to 1 (in our dreams); 75 to 1 (after we woke up)

Craig Kilborn

Assets: Like Conan, also looks good in tux.

Liabilities: Unlike Conan, not actually funny.

Long-Term Prognosis: Got dissed by his own network for the Grammy hosting gig, and ended up hosting the TV Guide Awards. Chances will sharply improve if a race of extremely tall, superhuman smarmy bastards rises up and enslaves the Earth.

Odds: 100 to 1

Bob Hope

Assets: Hosted many successful Oscar telecasts of the past.

Liabilities: May or may not be dead.

Long-Term Prognosis: Not out of the question, if by "long-term," you mean the next twenty-four hours.

Odds: Before advent of human cloning: 100 to 1; after advent of human cloning: Even