We here at Fametracker aren't just concerned with what celebrities have done, or what they're doing now, but also with what they will do -- tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and even well into next week. That's why we love celebrity predictions -- so we can plan in advance whom to cheer for, hiss, or ignore in '04, and thus not wasting our valuable catcalls.

This year, however, we've decided to damn the usual prognosticators and forward some fearless forecasts of our own. We've read the "stars," as it were -- ha ha! "stars"! -- and come up with this batch of 10 fail-safe predictions. Or, to paraphrase Montell Jordan: this is how we will do it!

Enjoy -- in advance!

Is that the patter of little feet we hear in the Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston household! That's right -- '04 will bring a baby for Jen and Brad! Either that, or a gnome, called forth by the errant practice of the black arts. If it's a gnome, we suggest that they kill it quickly. But if it's a baby -- congrats!

The coming annum will also find those lovable Olsen twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley, headed to NYU. Watch out, Gotham! But you'll never guess what the darling duo will find once they hit Manhattan! Rashes. Itchy, itchy rashes.

We see a big hit in store for funnyman Brendan Fraser, if by "big hit" you mean "relief from tedious household chores," which will now be done by robots.

2004 will also bring heartbreak for one major male star! And by one, we mean each one who is still closeted and must repeatedly appear in public on the arm of some rapacious starlet he can barely stand.

Here's an '04 shocker: gravel-voiced actor Christian Slater will make a stunning return to the A-list! He will revive his career by inventing a pair of contact lenses that not only alter the color of his eyes, but which allow his irises to spin in hypnotic concentric circles that force others to do his bidding, like that snake in The Jungle Book. Welcome back, Christian!

And which famous starlet's career will finally hit the rocks over repeated concerns about her eating habits and emaciated frame? None of them.

As the battle with rival Us Weekly heats up, we see a shake-up in the works at People In place of their traditional "Where Are They Now?" columns, we predict a new feature in which such beloved AWOL actors as, say, Lisa Bonet or Matthew Modine are kidnapped and drugged and taken to some remote part of the wilderness and then left to fend for themselves and fight their way back or die. That way, when this new column -- also titled "Where Are They Now?" -- hits the newsstands, not even the celebrity will know the answer.

Will it be jail time for beleaguered king of pop Michael Jackson? What's the verdict, crystal ball? One thing's certain -- he sure looks weird now.

It's superstardom ahoy for this young up-and-coming stud, who's known as a "ladies' man" and has been the subject of much tabloid chatter. In 2004, however, our mystery man's career will really hit the stratosphere, as he invents a cure for colitis.

On a sad note for '04, a terrible tragedy will befall America's one-time sweetheart, Britney Spears, as her career hits the skids -- oh, wait, that was 2002's prediction. Bull's-eye! So what does this year hold for the pop princess? Bionic limbs. Three of them.