News of the protracted negotiations between NBC and the stars of Friends -- negotiations that ultimately netted the sextet $750,000 an episode -- dominated the headlines last spring. Which is precisely what it was intended to do, in order to distract the public's attention from the real story behind the new season of NBC's hit sitcom. Which is that the six "Friends" have each, in turn, been replaced by quasi-realistic animatronic cyborgs. This covert project was only recently confirmed, when a series of audiotapes were smuggled out of NBC and anonymously mailed to Fametracker. The tapes detail several secret liaisons between NBC entertainment president Garth Ancier and Ron Comstock, executive VP of Sales and Marketing at Forward Cybernautics, Inc. Here, Fametracker presents an exclusive excerpt from one such dramatic meeting, which took place sometime in the weeks prior to this season's Friends premiere:

[start tape]

Ancier: [inaudible] ...San Pellegrino. Can I get you something, Ron?

Comstock: No, thanks, Garth. I'm fine.

Ancier: Well, have a seat.

Comstock: Thanks.

[sound of chair being pulled out]

Comstock: Before we go over the new "Matthew Perry" model, I wanted to make sure that you're happy with the way things have been going.

Ancier: Well, Ron, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Look, you know what a lifesaver you and Forward, Inc., has been for us. When LeBlanc took his Porsche off that cliff after season two, I mean, it was DefCon 5 here at NBC. We thought we might have to cancel the whole show. Sure, Pellicano did a great cover-up job, but after a few episodes of "Joey's in Ireland traveling with Riverdance"...well, viewers are going to start to notice. But you guys really saved our bacon. And thanks to that "Joey" you sold us...well, it's hello season seven. So cheers to you, and to Forward.

Comstock: Cheers.

[glasses clinking]

Ancier: And once we replaced Matt, it just started to make sense to go all 'bots. I mean, the egos on that show were getting out of control. When Schwimmer got back that summer from filming The Pallbearer, saying "Oscar" this and "The Graduate for a new generation" that...well, I knew we had to do something. Not even the actors noticed when we brought in the "RossBot."

Comstock: Well, Schwimmer was halfway to robot already.

Ancier: [laughs] Look -- all in all, we at NBC are happy with Forward's work. When Kudrow's film career took off and we had to cut her loose with that "confidentiality" agreement, you guys stepped to the plate with the "Phoebetron." When Courteney and David disappeared on their honeymoon, you guys whipped up the "RoMonica," no questions asked, and even threw in an "Arquette 2000" free of charge.

Comstock: Don't worry about that. With those 10-10-3000 commercials, that baby's paying for itself. But Garth, just wait till you see the Chandlermatic 2000. I think we really did skinny right this time. It's identical to Perry, but...well, a little less of him! If you know what I mean!

Ancier: [laughing]

Comstock: We've got two prototypes ready. The only difference is variance in thinness. One we like to call "Lanky BootCamp," and the other one's "Sallow SlimFast." To maintain credibility, I'd suggest you go with the "SlimFast" model. Realistically, no one's going to buy that he lost all that weight over the summer in a gym.

Ancier: Yeah, I was thinking we should go that route: thin, but with a kind of no-carb, crash-diet sponginess to him.

Comstock: Consider it done.

Ancier: It's a shame, though. I hated to see Matthew go.

Comstock: What ever happened to him?

Ancier: We put him in the Celebrity Relocation Program. They're very thorough. They're the same people who handled Rob Morrow.

Comstock: Wow, that is thorough.

Ancier: Yes. But listen, Rob. There's something else I wanted to talk to you about.

Comstock: Are you having trouble with the 'bots?

Ancier: Well, the RossBot is showing a little wear and tear, as you know. I've noticed it keeps doing that weird tic with its neck. And I'm thinking it's time we upgrade the memory chip; just the two facial expressions is pretty limiting.

Comstock: That's not a problem.

Ancier: But what I'm really concerned about, Ron, is the "Rachel" and "Monica." They're just not realistic. I mean, I thought it was bad last season, but now watching them in the premiere I felt like I'm watching some sort of climactic robot face-off at the end of Terminator 2. Frankly, it was creepy. They're just to damn droid-like.

Comstock: Well, as you know, we lost the original Coxbot during the second Scream. The thing went crazy and ripped "Neve Campbell" to pieces. She was a nice model, too. No one realized that Nevetronic was a robot until they saw the wires sticking out of her shoulder sockets.

Ancier: Trust me, people knew.

Comstock: The point is, we had to whip up another Coxbot on short notice, and we just ran out of materials. The silicone flesh-padding was on back order. It's the people at RealDoll. They've got a stranglehold on supply.

Ancier: Look, Rob, I'm not going to mince my words. We've had a good relationship over the years, but I'm afraid we're going in a new direction. The advances in holography over the past few years have been astounding. Have you seen what they've done with the holograms on JAG? I mean, an entire cast -- unbelievable. And if we go with holograms for the next season of Friends, we won't have the headaches of storing the 'bots or keeping them maintained, and we won't have to worry about any repeat incidents of the ChandlerBot going out and trying to teach itself to drive.

Comstock: Look -- this is a big contract for us, Garth. We can do better...

Ancier: I'm sorry, Ron.

Comstock: Please, Garth -- don't make me -- gack -- don't -- gack --

Ancier: Don't what, Ron?

Comstock: Don't -- gack -- must -- zippft --

[sound of chair scraping]

[scuffle]

[photon robot dispersal pistol being fired]

Ancier: Damn 'bots. Nice knowing, you RonBot. [sound of intercom activation] Gloria, send maintenance up here. And while I have this pistol out, send up Elliott Gould. Also, can I get a [inaudible]

[end tape]