One of the few highlights of this year's award season was Sacha Baron Cohen's hilariously irreverent Golden Globes speech, in which he talked about the "anus and testicles of [his] co-star," referring to them later as "two wrinkled Golden Globes." Sadly, Baron Cohen was not nominated for an acting Oscar, thus robbing us of the possibility that he might also animate that dreary pageant with some similarly ribald remarks.

But fear not! The praise and attention his speech received can't have been lost on other Hollywood notables. Maybe one of Oscar night's lucky winners will follow Baron Cohen's lead and lend a dash of spice to their bland list of thank-yous. Fametracker decided to imagine what that might be like. Then Fametracker wrote it down for you.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Best Actor, Blood Diamond

"Wow. What an honor. I never expected to be standing up here tonight. And this movie is especially important to me because it brings something to light that's been allowed to fester in darkness for too long. I'm speaking, of course, about Djimon Hounsou's ass crack. It made quite a showing during filming, is all I'm going to say. Often, during certain scenes, I'd be thinking about blood diamonds -- specifically of how they say that diamonds are a girl's best friend. Well, I don't know about that, but I do know that Djimon isn't a boy's best friend, because of his revolting ass crack."

Helen Mirren, Best Actress, The Queen

"Ladies and gentleman, esteemed colleagues, members of the Academy: thank you so much for this honor. This movie, The Queen, is in many ways about how we deal with tragedy -- what we do in the face of a shocking and devastating loss. Well, I also had to face something shocking and devastating during filming: James Cromwell's nuts. And as I took a deep whiff of that decrepit and wrinkled scrotal bag, I learned something about what it means to keep a stiff upper lip. And I thought to myself, 'Boy, this movie isn't quite what I thought it would be.' But I think this award proves that it wasn't quite what anyone thought it would be. So thank you."

Clint Eastwood, Best Director, Letters From Iwo Jima

"First off, thank you. As many of you know, this was a personal film for me -- almost as personal as the odors wafting out of Ken Watanabe's pits. Boy, war really does stink! But seriously -- Ken needs a good deodorant. If anyone can recommend one. I'm just kidding, Ken. Deodorant won't help you with the problem you have. You need to see a doctor. It's bad. But back to this award, which means so much, in part because in creating this movie I've heard first-hand so many of the stories of the men who suffered and died to give us the freedom we enjoy. Not as many men, though, as have suffered from Ken's deadly pits. Pits of doom, we called them on the set. Wow. I can still smell them."

Abigail Breslin, Best Supporting Actress, Little Miss Sunshine

"The name of our movie is Little Miss Sunshine, and I'd like all of you to know that with this award tonight, you've let some sunshine into the life of this little miss. Which is the best thing I could hope for, because Mr. Alan Arkin has stinky breath. Boy, Grandpa, you're not dead yet! But your breath is! Smells like doo-doo!"

Aldo Signoretti, Best Makeup, Apocalypto

"Mel Gibson came to us with a vision -- a powerful vision of the past that spoke directly to the times of the present. And I, along with my co-makeup designer, Vittorio Sodano, felt we could mold that vision out of makeup and bring it to life. At least, Vittorio did. I was too busy worrying about Vittorio's notoriously deadly farts. Makeup can hide blemishes, conceal scars, and even make us into different people, but it can't conceal the worst-smelling farts, which are the kind that Vittorio makes. Trust me, I know. And if he's had meat that day, it's even worse. He just can't digest it. Once he lets one rip, I don't want to 'make up'. I want to puke."