Britney Spears's "sexy" outfits and "outrageous" "antics" have, of course, long since been inducing yawns in the Western world. But not so in China, where Spears is set to play a number of concerts as part of her Onyx Hotel world tour.

This week, the World Entertainment News Network reported that Spears has been asked by Chinese authorities to tone down her "saucy outfits" during her shows in Beijing and Shanghai.

Oh, lazy mainstream media! Once again, Fametracker's dogged team of investigators has...er, uncovered the rest of the story. We've learned that Britney's outfits aren't the only controversial element of her salacious act that she's being forced to alter.

Here, we present a world exclusive: Fametracker's list of Twelve Other Ways In Which Britney Spears Will Tone Down Her Appearances in China:

Rather than draping near-naked body in snakes, will drape near-naked body in muu-muu

Suggestive groans to be replaced by hand-claps

Must change sexual lyrics, including such revisions as "I'm a friend 2 U" and "High-five me, baby, one more time"

Should she encounter ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake in Chinese dance club, will not settle disputes with lewd dance-off, but with rock-paper-scissors

Bob Dole not allowed to masturbate in wings during concerts

When paparazzi photograph her in Shanghai standing on her hotel balcony nursing a hangover while wearing a Von Dutch hat, Spears must hide bottle of Michelob behind demure hand fan

Has agreed to appear on cover of Chinese version of Rolling Stone wearing "dignity and a snowsuit"

Physical contact with Colin Farrell limited to affectionate noogies

During concerts, will agree not to sing "Me Against The Music," which sucks in any language

If inadvertently caught cursing at back-up dancers on a microphone she doesn't know is live, Spears must limit her tirade to words such as "dang," "fiddlesticks," and "oh, you big sillies"

When Madonna makes surprise cameo in concert, Spears will greet her with a firm handshake

Will not, under any circumstances, lure Chinese bachelors to Las Vegas and then marry them