Each season seems to have an inessential theme: ill-considered sequels no one asked for; films starring ex-American Idol contestants; or the fascinating hairstyles of Nicolas Cage.

This year, the theme is sequels that are launching themselves, with an almost admirable foolhardiness, into the world unburdened by the star that made the previous film a hit in the first place. Jim Carrey too expensive? How about this pooch? Vin Diesel priced himself out of the market? May we speak to Ice Cube, please? At least Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous still has Sandra Bullock as the star. On the other hand, it's a sequel to Miss Congeniality and also involves the phrase "armed and fabulous."

Other films are remakes or re-imaginings or just plain ripoffs of previous successes: for example, Jimmy Fallon plays Adam Sandler playing John Cusack opposite Drew Barrymore in Fever Pitch. And then there's Ashton...

But we'll let you discover each film's unique inessentiality on your own. Just remember: a few seconds of reading here will save you a many, many hours in a theater this spring.

10. Melinda and Melinda

Release Date: March 18
The Plot: The same story, told twice -- once as a comedy, once as a tragedy.
The Pitch: It's written and directed by Woody Allen, that iconic filmmaker whose movies you loved in the '70s.
Why It's Inessential: Another season, another tragically inessential film from the tragically inessential Woody Allen. Quick -- name Woody Allen's last five films. This should be easy, given that they all came out in the last six months. The answer, by the way, is Anything Else, Hollywood Ending, The Curse of the Jade Scorpion, Small Time Crooks and Sweet and Lowdown. Okay, that last one was pretty good. And, okay, it came out in 1999, five films ago. Which we guess means that if Woody Allen put out a movie once every five years like everyone else, maybe he'd still be doing okay.

9. D.E.B.S.

Release Date: March 25
The Plot: Jordana Brewster stars as the villainous nemesis of a group of teen special agents called D.E.B.S.
The Pitch: "They're crime-fighting hotties with killer bodies." No, seriously, that's the actual tagline.
Why It's Inessential: In some strange, alternate universe, this movie could well be a sharp, smart satire along the lines of Heathers. After all, the writer/director, Angela Robinson, once made a film titled Chickula: Teenage Vampire, which seems promising. D.E.B.S. has also been screened at gay film festivals, because of its lesbian-friendly message. On the other hand, they're crime-fighting hotties with killer bodies. And it stars Jordana Brewster. We're so confused. And we suspect, in our tiny hearts, that this film is more likely to be a sharp, smart satire along the lines of B.A.P.S..

8. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

Release Date: March 24
The Plot: Sandra Bullock's lovably clumsy -- but hot! -- FBI agent is back, and this time she's trying to pass not in the world of beauty pageants, but in some other inappropriately feminine occupation.
The Pitch: She's a crime-fighting hottie with a killer body. And klutzy! But hot!
Why It's Inessential: In Entertainment Weekly, director John Pasquin said he'd only agreed to do a sequel that was "significantly different" from the original. The cited example of said significant difference is the replacement of Benjamin Bratt, ex of Law & Order, with Enrique Murciano, currently on Without A Trace.

7. King's Ransom

Release Date: April 22
The Plot: Anthony Anderson plays a rich guy with a gold-digging wife, who plots his own kidnapping -- only to have it go horribly wrong!
The Pitch: (Fargo - woodchipper) x Kangaroo Jack
Why It's Inessential: To borrow a hoary joke, if you looked up the definition of "inessential" in the dictionary, you would see a photograph of Jay Mohr standing over Anthony Anderson, tied to a chair.

6. Man Of The House

Release Date: February 25
The Plot: Cranky old Texas Ranger Tommy Lee Jones is assigned to protect a houseful...of cheerleaders!
The Pitch: It's Tommy Lee Jones like you've always seen him before!
Alternate Pitch: He's a crime-fighting hothead surrounded by killer bodies.
Why It's Inessential: This film has already been spreading its inessence in theatres for a few weeks now -- but you know that, don't you? Because you, like the rest of the nation have been swept up in Man of the House fever. Sis-boom-bah? More like Sis-boom-ha-ha-ha!

5. Fever Pitch

Release Date: April 8
The Plot: Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore in a romantic comedy about a lovable, Red Sox-obsessed loser who improbably finds the girl of his dreams, despite (a) his loserness, and (b) his obsessive love of the Red Sox. Based on the non-fiction book by Nick Hornby, except in America.
The Pitch: How can we launch Jimmy Fallon the way we launched Adam Sandler? We'll remake The Wedding Singer, replacing '80s tunes with the Boston Red Sox! In a film based on the non-fiction book by Nick Hornby, except in America!
Why It's Inessential: Jimmy Fallon is not John Cusack. The Red Sox is not '80s music. Fever Pitch is not High Fidelity. Drew Barrymore is still Drew Barrymore, though we suspect she's cloned herself, all the better to appear as the love interest to every shlumpy loser in Hollywood, while actually dating rock stars.

4. XXX: State of the Union

Release Date: April 29
The Plot: Ka-boom!
The Pitch: If you liked XXX, you'll...oh, wait. We're addressing an extremely niche audience.
Why It's Inessential: "Hi, it's Vin Diesel. Look, I've been thinking about this XXX sequel. I think America's really hungry for more Vin, and so I think we should renegotiate my sala -- hello? Hello?"

3. The Son Of The Mask

Release Date: February 18
The Plot: We don't need to explain it, since we're certain you camped out three days to see it on opening night, dressed up as The Mask. Yes?
The Pitch: Fuck you, Jim Carrey!
Why It's Inessential: It replaces Jim Carrey with a baby and a dog, which makes Dumb and Dumberer seem like a reasonable idea. And yet we secretly hope that upright dads everywhere, attempting not to curse, will now, when they hit their thumbs with hammers, scream, "Son of the Mask!"

2. A Lot Like Love

Release Date: April 22
The Plot: Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet in a generically titled romantic comedy you will completely forget about days after it opens.
The Pitch: What else are you and that guy going to do on your date? Talk to each other?
Why It's Inessential: Actually, to be honest, it looks like it may well be only the second most inessential Ashton Kutcher movie of the spring. What's number one, you ask....?

1. Guess Who

Release Date: March 25
The Plot: It's a remake of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner starring Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac, with Kutcher in the Sidney Poitier role.
The Pitch: Because the phrase "with Kutcher in the Sidney Poitier role" is not one we ever expected to encounter in all of human history.
Why It's Inessential: Because it takes a humane, groundbreaking film and recasts it as a UPN sitcom. Because the phrase "a remake of Guess Who's Coming To Dinner starring Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac" sounds like something you'd read on a discarded scrap of paper in the trash can of the writer's room for Mad TV. Because at least if they done it on Mad TV, we might have been able to see Aries Spears as Bernie Mac. Because we know this movie will open at #1 and stay there for a good, long while, eventually out-earning The Pacifier.

- MFF