Conventional wisdom has it that summer is for big-budget blockbusters, fall and winter are for prestigious Oscar bait, and spring is for dumping all the other crap that doesn't fit into either category, and religious S&M joints, if you have any. (Do you? Because the studios would really like to buy them if you do.) But this, year's spring films are going to prove that conventional wisdom...is pretty much right on the money. We realize that you may get a Milk Duds jones and decide to venture out to sample some of spring's burnoffs regardless of how bad they look -- we're only human, too -- but there's crap, and then there's crizzap. Please, heed us when we tell you what falls into the latter category and just stay home for a Law & Order rerun instead.

10. Failure To Launch

Release Date: March 10
The Plot: Matthew McConaughey is a loser who still lives with his parents, and needs Sarah Jessica Parker to inspire him to venture out on his own.
The Pitch: It's How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days meets Miami Rhapsody! ...Miami Rhapsody? That movie? Antonio Banderas? No?
Why It's Inessential: Although Sex & The City infected America with a momentary virus causing it to find Sarah Jessica Parker charmingly coltish, The Family Stone reminded us that underneath it all, she's actually brittle and unlikable. And Matthew McConaughey...well, you never know if you're getting the amiable stoner or the half-lidded, exasperatingly checked-out, regular stoner.

9.5 On A Clear Day

Release Date: April 7
The Plot: An unemployed shipbuilder tries to find meaning in his life again by setting out to swim the English Channel.
The Pitch: Everyone loves an unchallenging indie about quaint British folk doing cutely outlandish things, without trannies or the IRA or anything distasteful like that.
Why It's Inessential: Because there's a whole class of unchallenging indies about quaint British folk doing cutely outlandish things -- many starring Brenda Blethyn, like this one -- and there's no reason to watch any of them. Just add this to the pile of The Brassed Off Englishman, Ned Devine, Who Went Up A Hill And Came Down A Little Voice.

9. The Libertine

Release Date: March 10
The Plot: Johnny Depp plays "English writer/troublemaker John Wilmot, a.k.a. the Second Earl of Rochester."
The Pitch: Johnny Depp, in tights, has sex with some people, probably.
Why It's Inessential: March 10 is the release date for the plebes; it already came out in "major cities" before Christmas, and the New Yorker review already told us that Johnny Depp, tights notwithstanding, doesn't have as much sex as one might expect of a character called "The Libertine." Not to mention that, as biopics of John Wilmot, a.k.a. the Second Earl of Rochester go, this one is strictly second-rate.

8. The Sentinel

Release Date: April 21
The Plot: Michael Douglas plays a Secret Service agent suspected of plotting to assassinate the President; Kiefer Sutherland and Eva Longoria are the fellow agents charged with investigating him.
The Pitch: All the President-protecting of 24 without the real-time element that makes it so suspenseful.
Why It's Inessential: We don't recall telling Eva Longoria she could have a film career -- did you? Furthermore, we just saw the trailer, and we would like to put $5 down now on the "shocking" third-act "reveal" that Kiefer Sutherland is the real mole.

7.5. Eight Below

Release Date: February 17
The Plot: Adorable husky sled dogs are temporarily abandoned, under extenuating circumstances, in Antarctica.
The Pitch: All the canine fun of Snow Dogs, except Cuba Gooding Jr. is now Paul Walker, and the dogs don't talk.
Why It's Inessential: We understand -- kind of -- that there is a class of moviegoer that will be charmed by pictures revolving around the antics of dogs, horses, or sassy kangaroos. But if you are in that class and think this one looks kind of good, you need to have all the facts: Entertainment Weekly says that Paul Walker plays a scientist. (If asked on the junket what kind, we imagine he'd say he plays an Arcticologist.)

7. Running Scared

Release Date: February 24
The Plot: A low-level Mob functionary tasked with dumping hot guns lands in hot water when one won't stay dumped.
The Pitch: If we call it Running Scared, maybe people will think we're re-releasing the '80s movie with Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines.
Why It's Inessential: Paul Walker works double-hard this month playing a heroic, dog-loving scientician and a criminal who, though basically a loser, apparently loves performing marital cunnilingus. It's like that year that Matt Damon played both a rookie lawyer and a math genius -- but even more impressive, because neither of Matt Damon's characters went down on anyone.

6. Ask The Dust

Release Date: March 10
The Plot: Struggling novelist (Colin Farrell) gets his mojo back thanks to a fiery Latina waitress (Salma Hayek).
The Pitch: Fiery Latina waitresses: is there anything they can't do?
Why It's Inessential: Here's a question for the dust -- when was the last time you cared about anything Colin Farrell or Salma Hayek did?

5. Waist Deep

Release Date: April 28
The Plot: When an ex-con (Tyrese) tries to reform his life, his efforts are frustrated by the abduction of his son by a criminal kingpin (The Game).
The Pitch: If The Rock can be a movie star, why not The Game?
Why It's Inessential: Because it was clearly conceived as a vehicle to attach a soundtrack to. Come on, now. We do, however, salute the film's marketers for having the balls to give it a title that so obviously invites guesses as to what the characters might be "waist deep" in.

4. The Wild

Release Date: April 14
The Plot: Animated feature in which a lion from a New York City zoo escapes captivity.
The Pitch: You know how animated features tend to come in pairs, like Antz and A Bug's Life, or Monsters, Inc. and Shrek? Here's one to go with Madagascar!
Why It's Inessential: We're not interested in Kiefer Sutherland voicing a lion who busts out of a zoo to pursue a lost cub, unless he's framing said cub in a Presidential assassination plot. Wait -- not even then.

3. Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion

Release Date: February 24
The Plot: A black man plays a straight-shooting granny at the centre of a fractious family.
The Pitch: Did you like Big Momma's House but feel it didn't draw sufficient inspiration from the traditions of minstrelsy?
Why It's Inessential: You wouldn't be asking that question if you'd seen Tyler Perry -- who plays Madea in drag -- on Oprah, getting interviewed in character and out, at the same time, and having a great old laugh at all the outrageous things Madea was saying even though Madea is him. It was gross. But if that's not enough disincentive, this is a remake of a 2002 straight-to-taper that you can get at Wal-Mart, if you must.

2. Basic Instinct 2

Release Date: March 31
The Plot: Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone) is still a novelist, still kind of a whore, and still under suspicion of offing people with an icepick.
The Pitch: Catherine lives in London now!
Why It's Inessential: Look, we all remember the beaver shot, obviously; it was an iconic pop-cultural moment. And we are all for women aging gracefully and owning their sexuality. We just don't know how hot it's going to be for Sharon Stone to flash us when she's having hot flashes.

1. The Shaggy Dog

Release Date: March 10
The Plot: Remake of the live-action Disney film in which a guy periodically turns into a dog somehow.
The Pitch: Hey, has Tim Allen done anything lately?
Why It's Inessential: Because it belongs to the same class of remakes of live-action Disney films as That Darn Cat!, Herbie: Fully Loaded, and Flubber. And because, counting sequels and TV movies, this is the fourth time Disney has returned to the Shaggy well: if we don't stop them, our children are going to have to undo the damage we did with our heedless mistakes.

- WC