Every year at Oscar™ time, commentators, pundits, office pool participants, and other members of the great unwashed all start guessing who's going to take the big prizes on the big night. Often, hoi polloi will devise complex and arcane rationales to back their selections, like, "Blankety-blank can't win because his wife gave that long political speech two years ago," or "They have to give it to so-and-so because he's so old and has never won before," or "Such-and-such is a shoo-in because the Academy loves talking-dog movies." The notion, however, that the entire voting body of the Academy™ -- over six thousand members strong -- would act as one consciousness, conspiring to snub this person and coronate that one like some sort of show business Borg collective is, of course, absurd. Especially considering the fact that the Academy Awards™ are, in reality, picked by a star chamber of five old white guys, who all wear hooded robes and meet in a room buried deep beneath the earth under the Hollywood sign, and who all may or may not be clones of Karl Malden, and who start each meeting by having a large, well-muscled Samoan bang a large gong.

So eschew the faulty prognostications of other, lesser publications. Here, Fametracker presents an exclusive transcript of the recent meeting of the Malden Five, at which they decided who will whoop and who will weep. And please remember: predictions contained herein are for entertainment purposes only.

[GONG]

Malden #1: Thank you, Brett. I hereby call this meeting to order. The only categories we have left to decide today are the big five. Let's start with a throwaway -- Best Supporting Actor. We can get this one done quick. No one will even remember who won a week later, anyway.

Malden #5: Why not go with the old guy, Farnsworth? Remember what a hoot it was when Jack Palance won?

Malden #2: Billy Crystal milked that push-ups joke for three years.

Malden #3: No. An old guy won last year. Jason Robards.

Malden #4: And Farnsworth is in Best Actor.

3: Yeah. Maybe we'll give him that.

1, 2, 4, and 5: BAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!

1: If not an old guy, than the kid. Give it to the kid. Besides, that spooky movie was a knock-out! And when he said that line, "I see dead people," that was some scary stuff!

2: With the money that flick made, the line should have been, "I see dead presidents!"

1, 3, 4, and 5: BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!!

1: "Dead presidents." That's rich. All right. The kid it is. Next up...Best Supporting Actress. Here's the choices: Catherine Keener.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Who?

1: That's what I thought. Toni Collette.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Who?

1: Samantha Morton.

2, 3, 4, and 5: My point exactly. Who?

1: Words out of my mouth. Chloë Sevigny.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Who?

1: Reading my mind. Angelina Jolie.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Who?

1: You know, Lippsy Russell. Lip Torn. Fran Lipenton.

3: Yes. Give it to Lippsy.

2: I'd like to give it to Lippsy, if you catch my meaning!

1: Malden Number Two, that's enough! All right, so it's Jolie. Let's keep it moving here: Best Actor?

5: How about Sean Penn?

3: That paparazzi-punching punk! Not on my watch!

2: I vote Denzel Washington. Nice noble role, nice noble guy.

1: What about Kevin Spacey?

4: If we wanted to give an award to a narcississtic middle-aged guy who fantasizes about sex with teenagers, we might as well give it to Malden #5!

1, 2, 3, and 4: BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

5: Who said anything about "fantasizing"!?

1, 2, 3, and 4: BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: Oh, that's rich. So it's Denzel?

2, 3, 4, and 5: Denzel.

1: All right. Best Actress. If you look at the awards up until now, it boils down to Swank vs. Bening.

3: Let's give it to Swank. She's young, she's fresh, she was great in the first fifteen minutes of that movie. Of course, that was about all I could handle.

2: I hear you. I was like, "Okay, we get it, Tomboy!"

3: Plus, she's second-generation Hollywood. It's always important to groom the next wave. You know, like with Paltrow and Sorvino....

4: Swank's not second-generation.

3: Isn't her dad Jon Voight?

1: That's Lippsy.

5: Oh. Then screw Swank. Give it to Bening. She's married to Beatty. I mean, the reason they call it a circle jerk is because you have to be in the circle to win. Am I wrong, people?

1: Understood. Bening it is. Now the big one: Best Picture. Let's start with The Green Mile.

3: Too long.

1: The Insider?

4: Too long and too flop.

1: The Sixth Sense?

5: We already threw them a bone with the kid.

1: The Cider House Rules?

2: Too many words in the title. "Cider" what? "House" who? "Rules" where? You had me and you lost me.

1: American Beauty?

4: I like it. Has the word "American" in the title, so it's got to be important. Momentous, even.

5: Plus, people seemed to go for it.

3: I guess. You know, I'm all for great cinema and everything, but I just wish that one year -- just one year -- we could vote for a movie with some totally gratuitous teenage ta-tas.

1: Number Three, I have two words for you: American. Beauty.

4: More like American Beauties!

3: Hello!

1: And goodbye. Meeting adjourned. Brett?

[GONG]