Last year at this time, Fametracker finally revealed the great secret of Oscar night: contrary to what many assume, the Oscars are not selected by six thousand-plus Academy members based on arcane rationales and long-established grudges, such as, "Blankety-blank must win Best Actor because he's had a great career and he's ill" or "We'll give it to so-and-so because she's Hollywood royalty and we want to promote her fledgling career" or "The winner is Marisa Tomei -- whoops, I read the wrong name! Oh well, too late now." The notion that the entire voting body of the Academy would act as one consciousness, conspiring to snub this person and coronate that one like some sort of show business Borg collective is, of course, absurd.

In reality, as Fametracker revealed last year, the Academy Awards are determined by five clones of Karl Malden. This Hollywood Star Chamber convenes in a secret enclave buried deep beneath the Hollywood sign, where they start each meeting by having a large, well-muscled Samoan named Brett bang a large gong. It is they who decide who wins what, basing their selections on arcane rationales and long-established grudges.

Here, Fametracker invites you once again to eschew the faulty prognostications of other, lesser publications, and listen in to the recent meeting of the Malden Five, at which they decided who will whoop and who will weep at this years Oscars. And please remember: predictions contained herein are for entertainment purposes only.

[GONG!]

Malden #1: Thank you, Brett. I hereby call this meeting to order. All right, let's start with an easy one -- Best Supporting Actor. I think we can all agree on Mr. Mumbles.

Malden #2: You mean Benicio Del Toro.

1: Do you see another Mr. Mumbles on the nominees list?

Malden #4: Wait a second, Del Toro actually deserves the Oscar. Aren't we supposed to give it to a strange, out-of-left-field nominee?

1: You're thinking of Best Supporting Actress. This is Best Supporting Actor -- the category where we give it to the person who actually deserves it. Or an old guy. Or a kid. So barring any write-in votes for Jason Robards or that lad from Billy Elliott, I say we go with Del Toro.

2: Seconded.

1: Done. Now, while we're on the subject, what about Best Supporting Actress?

Malden #5: Who's the most out-of-left-field choice?

2: Well, nobody saw Pollock, so Marcia Gay Harden might work.

Malden #3: Marcia Gay Who-den?

2: Exactly my point.

1: No, no, no. She was actually good in that movie. And, frankly, so were Judi Dench, Frances McDormand, and Julie Walters in theirs. Was there no way to nominate Kim Basinger this year?

4: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Aren't you all forgetting something?

2: What?

4: Our sworn deal with the Dark Lord Beelzebub to promote and uplift the career of Kate Hudson in any and all ways possible?

1, 2, 3, and 5: [General agreement] Oh yeah, of course, slipped my mind, etc.

1: So Kate Hudson it is. All right, what about Best Actress? Who will it be? The woman who's earned billions for Hollywood over the last decade and who has finally, finally delivered a performance that can at least semi-legitimately be considered for an Oscar? Or one of the other four deadbeats?

2: Here's an idea -- what about Laura Linney?

1, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

3: Oh, that's rich. Or what about -- Ellen Burstyn?

1, 2, 3, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

5: Good one, Karl Malden #3. Or what about -- Joan Allen?

1, 2, 3, and 4: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: A zinger! Hey -- what about...Juliette Binoche!

4: I thought that's who we're supposed to pick.

1: I said Juliette, not Julia, you idiot!

4: Oh.

2, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

4: So, it's Julia Roberts, right?

1: Does the Pope have a pimpled ass? Let's move on. Best actor -- this one's a bit more of a toss-up. What about Tom Hanks?

3: He's got two already. Besides, that movie was a snore. Cast Away? More like Snuck Away -- which is what I did somewhere around hour #2.

1: Point taken. Ed Harris?

3: Another snoozefest. Pollock? More like Polyps, as in what I had on my ass after that marathon.

1: Message received. Okay, Geoffrey Rush?

4: "Look at me! I'm writing with my own poo!" This is the goddamned Academy Awards, for crying out loud! We don't go in for that kind of infantile behaviour. Of course, if you can jump around like a chimp on a trampoline, then you've got my attention.

1: Agreed. Javier Bardem?

2: No thanks, I'm full.

1: All right, Russell Crowe it is. Okay, one last category: Best Picture.

3: How about Chocolat?

1: Yeah, maybe, if they'd spelled the name right. Next!

2: What about Erin Brockovich?

1: Not my cup of tea, though I enjoyed the porn spin-off, Wearin' Not-a-stitch. Next!

4: We could go with Traffic.

1: Look, If I want to spend three hours watching people snorting coke up their noses and having sex with drug-addled crack whores, I'll hang out on Saturday night at Malden #5's house!

2, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: Okay, you all know how I feel about this: when you have a movie that recreates all the intrigue, the gore, the splendour, and the decadence of the greatest blood-sport known to mankind -- a sport in which the powerful prosper and the weak are destroyed, all for the amusement of the masses -- well, you should reward that kind of movie.

2: They rereleased The Player?

3: No, you fool! He's talking about Gladiator. I second that emotion. It's got everything a great movie needs. Pomp and pageantry!

4: Valour and victory!

5: Repressed homosexuality acted out through armed conflict!

1: All right, it's unanimous. Gladiator it is. Until next year, gents. Brett?

[GONG!]