Only Fametracker can reveal the great secret of Oscar night: that, contrary to what many people assume, the Oscars are not selected by six thousand-plus Academy members, who make their selections based on arcane rationales and long-established grudges. You know, rationales such as, "Blankety-blank must win Best Actress because she's earned so much money for Hollywood" or "We can't give it to that guy 'cause he's won twice and he was surly last year" or "Let's give it to the American kid and stick it to those Brits." The notion that the entire voting body of the Academy would act as one consciousness, conspiring to snub this person and coronate that one like some sort of show business Borg collective is, of course, absurd.

In reality, as only Fametracker can reveal, the Academy Awards are picked by five clones of Karl Malden. This Hollywood Star Chamber convenes in a secret bunker buried deep beneath the Hollywood sign, where they start each meeting by having a large, well-muscled Samoan named Brett bang a large gong. It is they who decide who wins what, basing their selections on their own heretofore unknown arcane rationales and long-established grudges.

Here, Fametracker invites you once again to eschew the faulty prognostications of other, lesser publications, and listen in to the recent meeting of the Malden Five, at which they decided who will whoop and who will weep at this year's Oscars. And please remember: predictions contained herein are not for wagering, but for entertainment purposes only.

[GONG!]

Malden #1: Thank you, Brett. Well, gentleman, we find ourselves facing an especially tough task this year. Last year wasn't exactly a high point in cinematic history.

Malden #2: I say we vote Space Cowboys across the board and call it a night. I think my diaper needs changing.

Malden #3: Number Two! Don't be so stupid! First of all, that movie came out two years ago. Secondly, what's the point of being part of a super-secret, all-powerful Hollywood cabal if you can't turn your Oscar picks into a little post-Vanity Fair party nookie? What's a vote for Space Cowboys gonna get you? A handjob from James Garner?

Malden #4: Seriously, Number Two -- sometimes I'm sorry I ever cloned you!

2: No -- I cloned you!

4: Like hell! I cloned you!

3: I cloned both of you!

Malden #5: Mommy, Daddy -- stop fighting!

1: All right, you idiots -- that's enough! We have work to do here! Okay, let's start with the first award of the night: Best Supporting Actress.

3: Hey, here's an idea -- let's give it to the old British crone!

1, 2, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

2: Then we'd need five different statues!

1, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

4: Actually, only three of them are British, and only two are old or in any way crone-esque.

5: Way to ruin the joke, Number Four!

3: I say we give it to Marisa Tomei. Remember when we gave it to her last time? People buzzed about it for years!

2: I'd sure like to give it to Marisa Tomei... In the Bedroom!

1: Enough! Stop being so juvenile! It's already decided. We're giving it to Jennifer Connelly. [Pause] In the Bedroom!

2, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

3: Did you see that scene where she's leaning out the window and telling the construction crew to quiet down? A Beautiful Mind? More like A Beautiful 'Hind!

1, 2, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

4: Wait. That doesn't even make sense.

1: Let's move on. Best Supporting Actor. Any suggestions?

2: Well, we can strike off Ian McKellen, Ben Kingsley, and Jim Broadbent right away. When are you people going to stop coming over here and showing up our homegrown actors? Don't you have your own awards show: the Limeys? What is this, the Royal Oscar Company?

1: Agreed. So that leaves Jon Voight and Ethan Hawke.

2, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: No, seriously, Ethan Hawke was nominated.

2, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: No, he was.

2, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: No, he was.

2, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: Really.

2, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: He was.

2, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: Enough! Remember -- we had a debt to pay to Satan? For screwing up the ballots and failing to give that Oscar to Kate Hudson? Remember?

2, 3, 4, and 5: Oh yeah, that's right, you make a good point, slipped my mind, etc.

3: That Satan's got a nutty sense of humor.

1: Look, I don't like it any more than you do, but it was either Hawke or Kip Pardue from Driven. So I'm guessing the sentiment here is tilting toward Jon Voight.

4: He was great! So lifelike! He sounded just like Cosell!

3: And if we give it to him, maybe that hot daughter of his will come onstage and french her brother again!

5: Actually, she's married to Billy Bob Thornton now.

3: Hey, the more the merrier!

1: All right. Voight it is. Now, Best Actress. Well, forget Renée Zellweger. We can't be encouraging that kind of weight gain in Hollywood's fine young actresses.

3: Wait a second, I like a little meat on my bone!

1: Yes, and the name of that meat is Santo, the pool boy. That's right, Number Three -- I've seen the security tapes.

4: What about Sissy Spacek? She was so good in that movie. That scene at the end when she's arguing with her husband and then she breaks down and cries and then the pig's blood splashes all over her head and she takes her son's murderer and lifts him in the air with her mind and impales him on a fence post? Brilliant!

3: Hold on there, partner! Aren't you forgetting Halle Berry? She was fantastic! That scene where she has sex with that racist prison guard played by Puff Daddy and then the computer hacker walks in on her while she's sunning her ta-tas in that lounge chair? Halle Berry -- more like "Hello Berries!"

5: Actually, the prison guard was played by Billy Bob Thornton.

3: Hey, the more the merrier!

2: No, no, no. You're forgetting that this is Nicole Kidman's coronation year. I've got to give my vote to her. That scene when she comes in on the swing and the corset and then her kids get scared by those ghosts and then Tom Cruise rides in on a horse and they're both Irish? Yowza! I've just got one question: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?

1: No thank you, and I'm not voting for Kidman, either. Two good performances do not add up to one great one. No, I say we go with Spacek. After all, she was the best performer.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Hmmm, yes, you make an interesting point, slipped my mind, etc.

1: Done. Now let's get this moving. I've got a seaweed wrap at four. Best Actor?

2: Well, I've got to vote for Elliot Gould. His work in In the Bedroom was really top-notch. And he's so good on Friends.

4: No, it's got to be Will Smith. What a performance!

3: Are you nuts? Since when did we start giving Oscars to smart-mouthed sitcom refugees? You want to go down in history as the clone of Karl Malden who gave an Academy Award to someone called "The Fresh Prince"? Next thing you know, Carlton will be knocking down our door looking for a statue!

1: Look, let's not dance around this all day. We all know that you-know-who is the odds-on favorite.

5: We can't give it to Crowe! After the way he behaved last year?

3: He was really good, though. Did you see that film? The accent! And the way he kept scratching his forehead! Through the whole movie! What a tic! That's an Oscar-worthy tic! And you know what sound that scratching made? If you listened real close, you could hear it: "Oscar. Oscar. Oscar."

1, 2, 4, and 5: Hmmm, yes, you make a good point, can't argue with that, you've got me there, what's that smell? etc.

1: Okay. I hate to do it, but he gets the statue, even after that surly act from last year. Looks like it's all of us who are going to have to eat Crowe! Of course, some of us have more practice at that than others!

4: Look! I was drunk! And I thought he was Billy Bob Thornton!

3: Hey, the more the merrier!

1: All right. Crowe it is. Okay, last category: Best Picture.

4: For sheer grandeur, you can't beat Lord of the Rings.

5: At three hours long? And it didn't even finish? Lord of the Rings -- more like Bored of This Thing!

4: Actually, the full title is Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

5: Oh. Okay. Uh, Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring -- more like Bored of This Thing: Fellow Sits Through This...oh, never mind.

1: No way that film is winning. Look, If I want to spend three hours watching grown men in tights prance around in the company of dwarves trying to spear each other, I'll hang out on Saturday night at Number Five's house!

2, 3, and 4: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

3: What about Moulin Rouge!?

4: That film needed a little less Fancy Boy McGregor, and a lot more of those four tramps from MTV in their underpants.

5: Better yet, those four tramps from MTV in my underpants!

1, 2, 3, and 4: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

2: How about In the Bedroom?

1: That film put me to sleep so fast, I wished I was in my bedroom! Look, I'm all for thoughtful family dramas, but if you're going to have a movie about a dangerous small-town love triangle, can't you at least have one scene of Halle Berry sunning her ta-tas? Is that too much to ask?

5: Gosford Park?

1: How about we give the statue to a movie people have seen?

3: Well, looks like it's Goodfellas. At least there was one masterful movie to celebrate last year.

1: Wrong again! That was twelve years ago, you knob! And we didn't give it the Oscar then, either! No, the Oscar goes to...A Beautiful Mind.

2, 3, 4, and 5: Uh, er, yeah, looks like that's it, hmmm, was there only five nominees? Did we miss one? etc.

3: Geez. I am not looking forward to seeing Opie up there collecting a fricking Oscar. I'd almost rather give it to the Fresh Prince.

2: Look, Opie's earned it.

1: Yes, If by "earned," you mean "churned out mediocre but profitable films, waiting for the one year in which no really good movie would rise above the rest and one of his pieces of hack work could sneak in and steal the Oscar."

2: Yes -- by that definition, he's earned it.

3: Well, if it has to be A Beautiful Mind, is there any way we can give out the Best Picture award at the start of the show this year? Otherwise, the whole thing will end on such a downer.

4: Yeah, let's end the show with the Best Supporting Actress prize! That way, we can go out with Jennifer Connelly!

5: I'd like to go out with Jennifer Connelly!

1: Number Five, your double entendre is not nearly lascivious enough.

5: Uh, I'd like to give Jennifer Connelly a pen ceremony! Pen...is, that is!

1: Better! Much better!

1, 2, 3, and 4: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: All right, that's it. We're adjourned. Until next year, gents. Brett?

[GONG!]