As we march toward the Oscars, many in the world are saving a thought for the momentous decisions being made even now by a small group of powerful men. While public institutions don the mask of democracy, secret debates are being held behind closed doors, away from the public's prying eyes. Here, decisions based on cutthroat diplomacy, relentless arm-twisting, and last-minute dealmaking will ultimately affect the lives of millions around the world and alter the fate of nations -- a fate which now rests in the ten identical hands of five clones of Karl Malden.

This Oscar season, there's been much commentary on the lobbying efforts of various nominees to secure their coveted statuette. Hopefuls will faithfully frequent a circuit of talk-shows and industry meet 'n' greets.

Yet what these nominees fail to understand is that, contrary to what many people assume, the Oscars are not selected by six thousand-plus Academy members, who make their decisions based on arcane rationales, long-established grudges or who made nice to them at last weekend's barbecue. There are no tottering, vindictive Oscar voters contemplating, for example, whether or not they should finally give Marty an Oscar, even if Gangs of New York wasn't his best work. In fact, there are no Oscar voters at all.

Instead, as only Fametracker can reveal, the Academy Awards are picked by five clones of Karl Malden in a secret annual ceremony. This Hollywood Star Chamber convenes in a secret bunker buried deep beneath the Hollywood sign, where they start each meeting by having a large, well-muscled Samoan named Brett bang a large gong. These are the tottering, vindictive men who control the fates of the many nominees.

Here, Fametracker invites you once again to eschew the faulty prognostications of other, lesser publications, and listen in to the recent meeting of the Malden Five, at which they decided who will whoop and who will weep at this year's Oscars. And please remember: predictions contained herein are not for wagering, but for entertainment purposes only.

[GONG!]

Malden #1: Thank you, Brett. Gentlemen, as I don't need to tell you, this is a grave time. People around the world are distracted by war and the threat of war. Our task this year is more solemn than ever - we're not just crafting a frothy and fantastic industry back-slap-athon. We're crafting a frothy and fantastic industry back-slap-athon to distract a war-weary people with a cavalcade of low-cut outfits and self-congratulatory speeches. So please keep in mind, as we discuss this year's nominees, that we must put a premium on delicious eye candy. And glamour. And no political grandstanding. This in not just our job. It's our duty.

Malden #2: Amen.

Malden #3: I think this year more than ever we should honor the films that best represent what we stand for as a country. That's why I'm casting my vote for Maid in Manhattan. Number Five, call the valet to bring my car around.

1: Sit down, Number Three! Maid in Manhattan wasn't even nominated, you idiot.

3: Not even nominated, eh? And you're calling me the idiot? Looks like the "idiot" is the American people.

Malden #4: What are you talking about? They don't nominate movies for the Oscars.

3: Exactly.

1: Shut that pie hole. I can see that this year emotions are running high. So let's back into this slowly, by starting with a category no one will even remember the next morning. Best Supporting Actress, gentlemen? Now remember our directive: maximum eye candy.

Malden #5: Well, then it's got to be Kathy Bates.

1: I said eye candy, not eye candy store.

5: Hey, she can overflow my hot tub anytime. I loves me a zaftig mama.

2: Then you've got to go with Queen Latifah. You know what she used to say: ladies first!

3: Not in my bedroom.

2: But when I'm good to mama, mama be good to me.

3: No, mama snap you like dry kindling. Look in a mirror, grandpa. Queen Latifah would wear you like a brooch.

1: Can we stick to discussions of acting?

4: Well, if it's acting you're talking about, then it's got to be Meryl Streep.

3: It's true. She's like the Meryl Streep of acting.

1: Yeah, that's what America wants: And the Oscar goes to...Meryl Streep! And in other news, Michael Jordan was a good basketball player! And The Beatles were a pretty tight foursome!

5: You know, they were quite prodigious.

1: Forget Streep. How about Julianne Moore?

4: Yes, wasn't this supposed to be her coronation year?

3: I don't think she's going to get Best Actress, so let's throw her a bone in this category.

2: I'd like to throw her a bone...In the Bedroom!

4: That movie was nominated last year.

2: I know, but it really worked well for the double entendres.

4: Hey, I'd like to throw her a bone...for Hours!

2: Okay, first of all, it's The Hours. Secondly, not frickin' likely, quick draw.

3: What about Catherine Zeta-Jones? She's practically Hollywood royalty, she's married to our old poker buddy Mickey D, and let me tell you -- I'd really like to see Catherine Zeta-Jones accepting that little man.

[Silence. The Maldens consider this.]

3: Or rather, I'd like to see her accepting my little man! Come on, Maldens, do I have to do all the work here?

5: Well, she is good eye candy.

1: All right, let's go with Zeta-Jones.

4: But what about Julianne Moore?

1: We can feed the public some line about "splitting the vote." They love that faux-insider crap. Okay, next up: Best Supporting Actor. John C. Reilly?

2: John C. Who-lee?

1: Right. Chris Cooper.

4: Chris Who-per?

1: You betcha. Paul Newman?

5: Paul Who-man?

1: You don't know who Paul Newman is?

5: No, I was just... How about giving it to Paul? He makes a damn fine salsa picante.

1: I'm afraid we can't do that. Because if he wins, that might spur even one person to go out and rent Road to Perdition. And I can't have that on my conscience.

3: What about Ed Harris?

2: Too loopy. Might go off on some political rant.

5: What about Christopher Walken?

1: Too double-loopy. Might start tapdancing.

3: So who?

1: Well, how about this Cooper guy?

4: He has no teeth.

1: Then again, neither do you. So let's go with Cooper. Okay, while we're on the topic of toothless gentlemen, let's discuss Best Actor. What do you say, do we give it to Nicholson?

5: I'd like to give it to Nicholson!

2: You do know we're talking about Jack Nicholson, right?

5: Oh. I thought you meant Nicolette Sheridan.

2: No, you didn't.

5: Okay.

3: Nicholson took me for $300 bucks in euchre last week. Then he pantsed me outside the steam room at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Then he left me alone with Lara Flynn Boyle at our booth at Spago. For twenty minutes! Lara Flynn Boyle! No way he gets my vote.

4: But it's a classic Nicholson role! And he shed all his classic Nicholson tics! This will be the topper to the great career of a true Hollywood giant!

3: That's what you said when we gave it to him for As Good As It Gets. And did you actually see About Schmidt?

4: No, I skipped it. I thought it was a documentary about Hogan's Heroes.

3: Trust me, if Nicholson had any more tics, he'd have Lyme disease.

1: No more discussion! We give it to Nicholson. We are strange, ageless, medically curious and vaguely Satanic Hollywood fossils who live underground, fearing the purging glare of daylight. Nicholson's the closest thing we've got to an hombre in this town! He's our peeps, gentlemen. And we've got his back. Na mean?

2, 3, and 4: Yes, that's true, good point, sho nuff, etc.

5: But Daniel Day-Lewis was so --

1: Shut it!

5: But he really was quite --

1: Shut it!

5: But if you go back and watch the --

1: Shut it!

5: He had that crazy eye --

1: Shut it!

5: Tapped it with a knife --

1: Shut it!

4: Practised for days --

1: Go ahead. Say it. Say "Daniel Day-Lewis" one more time, and I will quit the Hollywood Star Chamber, take two years off to work as an apprentice shoemaker in Tuscany, then come back here and cobble your ass, so help me Hefner. Let's move on. Unless someone wants to make a case for Adrien Brody.

2, 3, 4, and 5: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

3: I'll make a case for him -- a suitcase! And then I'll give to him, so he has something to not carry his Oscar home in, because he didn't get one! Ha!

1, 2, 4, and 5: [Silence.]

3: Didn't get one! An Oscar!

1, 2, 4, and 5: [Silence.]

3: Didn't... Hey, Number Five. Wasn't Daniel Day-Lewis so good in Gangs of New York?

5: He did have that crazy eye --

3: Shut it!

1: Moving right along. Best Actress. This could be tough one. We were supposed to give it to Nicole Kidman last year. Maybe we should give it to her this year.

4: You want to give it to Nicole Kidman? Get in line!

3: Pardon my elbows, Russell Crowe!

2: Hey, Tobey Maguire! Can you hold my spot while I go grab a java?

5: Hey Nicole, looks like it's time to lay down the law! Jude Law!

1: While I take all of your points, I must now declare a moratorium on jokes about "giving it" to people.

4: Take all of our points? I bet Nicole Kidman would take all of our points!

1: Also included in the aforementioned moratorium: jokes about people "taking points." Now let's get back to the business at hand.

3: Hey, what about Diane Lane?

1: It's an honour just to be nominated.

4: Salma Hayek?

1: It's an honour just to be nominated.

3: Julianne Moore?

1: She "split the vote."

5: Look, I've got to go with Salma. She's a hot tamale! That's one actress I'd like to Frida Lay!

1: Hmmm. A reference to sex that also mentions a potato-chip company. Number Five, you are back in my good books.

2: Um, aren't we forgetting something here?

1, 3, 4, and 5: What? Forgetting? Who? Did we overlook someone? What? Where am I? etc.

2: The nose?

4: True. I did like Kidman's nose.

3: Excellent nose.

5: I concur on the subject of the nose.

1: But did you all see that film? The Hours? More like The Days! More like The Years! More like The Film That Made My Tuchis Go Numb Until I Commissioned a Vigourous Rubbing From My Laotian Pool Boy!

2: Yes, but if we give it to Kidman, everyone will talk about how "brave" she was to uglify herself for the role, and how smart we all our because we know who Virginia Woolf is, and yet we still get to march a hottie to the stage. That's the definition of a win-win, gentlemen. Plus, she gets to stick it to Tom Cruise.

4: After all those years of him sticking it to her!

3: That's not what I heard!

5: I'd like to stick it to Tom Cruise!

1: Yes, Number Five, we all know that. That's why we don't let you near the Vanity Fair after-party. For future reference, "sticking it" jokes fall under the general "give it to" moratorium. But before we hand the trophy to Kidman, let's not forget about Renée Zellweger.

3: I say we go with Zellweger. In my books, a toothless "critique" of celebrity trumps a snoozy rumination on whatever-whatever blah-blah-blah.

4: Yes, but The Hours had hot chick-on-chick action.

3: Point taken.

1: Yes, but in Chicago, there were also two hot chicks, and you wanted to see them get it on. In fact, didn't they get it on at some point? Or was that just later, in my Percodan-induced dreams?

4: I've got an idea. We give Best Supporting to Catherine Zeta-Jones. We give Best Actress to Zellweger. Then afterward everyone will want them to pose together a lot with their statues, standing next to each other, arms around each other's shoulders and all that. And then next thing you know: they start making out. I'm not saying it will happen guaranteed. But all we can do is plant the seeds.

5: I'd like to plant a few seeds - in them!

1: I like your thinking. Zellweger it is. Kidman will get hers eventually. Please be advised, before anyone speaks, that jokes about "getting hers eventually" also fall under the aforementioned moratorium. Okay, before we move on to Best Picture, let's get something out of the way right now. Do we give the directing statue to Marty?

3: Tough one. On the one hand, if we give it to him, we're guaranteed to get an emotional speech and a long standing ovation. It will make for a great story in the papers the next day. On the other hand, we'll be jeopardizing our hard-earned reputation as clueless morons. So I say we give it to Costner.

4: I say we go with Rob Marshall. I loved Chicago. And Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley are classics!

2: That's Garry Marshall.

4: Yes, but you can't argue with Big!

2: That's Penny Marshall.

4: Besides, I think we can all agree that the medium really is the message.

2: That's Marshall McLuhan.

4: I'm going to put anthrax on your Tampax!

2: That's Marshall Mathers.

4: Or is it? I thought it was Slim Shady. I love how he plays with our conceptions of identity.

1: Don't even mention that punk in here! He stood us up!

5: Maybe you shouldn't have told him that after he finished performing, he'd have to hug Rosie O'Donnell.

1: She needs a hug right now, okay? Look, I like Scorsese as much as any of you, which means just a little bit less than I like Kevin Costner, Barry Levinson, or Robert Redford. But Gangs of New York was a hodge-podge! What kind of gang wears homemade pajamas and carries a dead rabbit on a stick? And how did Leonardo DiCaprio return from that near-fatal goring at the hands of Bill the Butcher to unite the Irish gangs? It was like there was a reel missing in there! And how come that one gang that dressed like the baseball players with that crazy makeup didn't just come out and mop up everyone? They were bad-asses!

4: Yeah, I can't go with Scorsese. But what about Roman Polanski?

1: Look, if I wanted to give an Oscar to a creepy elfin man who seduces adolescent girls in his hot tub, I'd give it to Malden Number Five!

2, 3, and 4: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

5: I'd like to give it to Malden Number Five!

1: Yes, we know that, which is why we don't let you near the cloning laboratory. Okay, let's give it to Rob Marshall. Sorry, Marty -- you'll just have to find another massively ambitious, twenty-year-long pet project to bring to the screen against all odds. Or just ask Harvey for a gig directing Rent. Maybe you'll have better luck.

2: Look, can we speed this up? I've got a spa appointment in half an hour, and I can't miss it. These toenails aren't going to pedicure themselves.

1: All right. One last category: Best Picture. Do I hear any votes for The Pianist?

2: If I wanted to spend two hours watching a woman with one wooden finger getting it on with a naked Harvey Keitel, I'd just spend Saturday night at Malden Number Five's house!

1, 3, and 4: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

1: But this is The Pianist, not The Piano.

2: Oh. What's The Pianist about?

1: About nine inches, uncut. Boo-yah!

2: Ha! But seriously, what's The Pianist about?

1: Pleasing girls and doing twirls! Ha-cha!

2: Ho! But all kidding aside, what is the plot of the film titled The Pianist?

1: No clue. So we can eliminate that, and we can eliminate Gangs of New York, for reasons discussed earlier. Next up: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

4: They made a movie about the Twin Towers already? It's too soon!

3: Apparently, the Orcs were behind the whole thing.

4: Damn you, Orcs!

2: Let's bomb Orcistan!

1: You idiots, this movie is about a totally different pair of towers.

4: They made a movie called The Two Towers that wasn't about the World Trade Center? It's too soon!

2: Let's bomb Orcistan anyway! Who knows what weapons they may or may not be developing?!

4: Damn you, Orcs! And I also reserve animus for half-orcs.

1: Sorry, Peter Jackson, but it's not your time yet. Don't worry, we'll back up the trophy truck when the next one comes out. As for this year, it's down to Chicago and The Hours.

2: I have only one thing to say to The Hours. If I snooze, you lose.

1, 3, 4, and 5: Agreed, couldn't have put it better myself, bang on, you've really encapsulated my thinking, I was also drowsy through much of it, etc.

1: So it's Chicago, then?

3: What's not to like? It's a big, brash, brazen musical that revives a classic Hollywood genre, and comes at a time when the world needs sharp, smart, and fantastically realized entertainment more than ever!

4: But it wasn't really sharp or smart or fantastically realized. It was Richard Gere, trying to tapdance.

3: I told them they should have cast Walken. That mofo can hoof it!

1: Speaking of mofos hoofing it, let's wrap this up. So it looks like a big night for Chicago. I can see the headlines now: "Windy City Blows Over Oscar!" "Second City First In Oscar's Heart!" "Years of Frustration Over Futility Of Local Sports Teams Ameliorated Somewhat By Triumph of Movie Bearing City's Name!" I love it when we can make people feel better. Now more than ever. Until next year, gents. Brett?

[GONG!]